what we focus on…

…grows

So if we focus on a problem, we see….more problems. If we focus on good outcomes, on ease, on abundance, we get that.

Let’s see – focusing on a new business. Making my own money (and more of it). Doing my creative projects. Volunteering. Spending time with my children. Rebalancing.

So let’s do this one just for fun, shall we?

In the morning of my ‘new upcoming life’, I get up, have decided today we are all going to the library for a special event before day care/preschool/work. Get ourselves all dressed up in appropriately cute clothing (or as my 3yo said this morn, ‘mama are these shoes appopiate?’) (the shoes, they were not). This means mama is probably in something I sewed myself, some dynamo of an outfit that makes me feel capable, productive and stylish.

My children, same. Except maybe it doesn’t match quite the way I would. But that’s OK, to each her own creativity.

Then, we head off to the library/event/whatever. We go to day care/preschool, and mama goes to her office (yes, I still have the office, where other nice companies share the other suites). I help a half dozen clients realize their business goals. I contact four or five who need to and then I write a helpful tip on the blog (or social media). I take fifteen minutes to focus ON my business, not IN it, and I head home early to work on some creative project for the side businesses. Hubby takes the kids home. We do something fun (play in the park, a craft night, game night, language night) and then go to bed. I spend quiet time working on a project and chilling with hubby after everyone’s asleep.

This is a pretty good day. I’m efficient, I make money, I spend time in my value areas of my life and I have balance.

in another life

This isn’t a WWYLLLI post, but I’ll post it under that category anyway, since it fits. It’s really a longing for something I don’t have and maybe did want.

Today I’m sitting on the big exercise ball bouncing my six week old son (wrapped up in a carrier on my chest) and looking at a sewing pattern. In the instructions for this cap-sleeved, A-line nursing dress or tunic, I’m reading “includes a special section for alterations for use in pregnancy” and I have a longing moment for more children that is almost palpable. I can’t tell my husband this. Truly that time is over. I’ll be 41 in two months. We have a 4 bedroom house that’s full (especially if I work from home). But I think of another life – in which I chose to have children – and was able to – at, say 30, and had, say 3 or 4 children (!) The life of a crafty, fashionista, stay-at-home-and-homeschool mother. Maybe part time designer (yes, probably), definitely craftista business owner. Having more children. I know, I know, I can barely care for myself right now, let alone a third or fourth child.

And I should not be thinking this at all. That’s why it’s here, to just get the thoughts out there, to just express them so they don’t haunt me. Yes, I was warned, by friends, by my grandmother Aimee (my grandmother Ann said “never have children, they’ll make you miserable”), by my cousins. But, you know I have made my own choices and have been glad of them.

There are lots of reasons why this doesn’t work – for instance, travel to Europe would probably be out. The bike trip across France would be out. Montessori, scratch that. Heck, even affording college (and retirement) would be challenging. And I do love to work. I love my clients.

So how do I carve out sort of this life right now. First off, I can’t work full time again. Not right now. This has slowly been the dynamic that’s been changing in my life. God said, okay, I’ll give you another child. And then he said, okay, I’ll make it easy, your partners want to leave the business. I’ll give you a sucky year that you’ll reconsider your work life. And then he is saying “okay, now it’s time, I’ve shown you this path, it’s time for you to take heed of these things I’m sending and do them”. So I take this morning’s feelings, the strong, overpowering feelings that my life must change and I must try to do them in some form or another.

I need to start articulating what that looks like so I may manifest it in my life. But it’s still fuzzy around the edges a bit, and I have to work on that vision a bit more.

looking back

I spent a few minutes looking back at the posts I wrote just before and just after finding out I was pregnant with Christian, and am amazed this process happened! I mean, what are the odds! It’s really been a joyful experience (colicky, cranky 1 month old, nonwithstanding).  From pregnancy to the babymoon at home with newborn, it’s been such a journey.

I think I’m ready to just be a mama and not be an expectant mama anymore. I’ve finally gotten him quiet and secure in the Ergo (infant insert) and now I’m off to see about that pile of laundry I’ve been slowly poking at for about two hours. We slept in today so I don’t need a nap, but I do need to get some things done. Laundry, for one. Prepping a pattern, for two.

It’s been everything I wanted from the beginning – joyful, full term, happy pregnancy. A beautiful, intense, fast birth with the gentle nurturing of baby following, just like I wanted him to have. Coming home after just a day and a half. Settling in to a quiet routine just the two of us (during the day and at night at least). Now I’m able to get out – and am doing a little bit each day to see friends, schedule appointments and run errands. I’m getting ready to sew again.

Looking ahead? Not quite ready for that today….

Saying good bye to maternity

I am packing up all the maternity things I borrowed. I’m pretty much back into my larger clothes now, and I have enough of my own maternity if needed to suffice for a few more weeks. It’s sad to see it go. I know I won’t do this again. Friends think otherwise, (and truth be told, I have not packed up my own things yet) but I am fairly sure it would be foolish to try. There are many reasons – besides being on the downhill slope to 41 – that we should stick with two kids. College expense. Being outnumbered. The sheer difficulty of having multiple children. Labor and delivery.

sprucing up

I am going to work on some small projects – fixing our comforter and making some matching shams, pillows for outdoor chairs (maybe even slipcovers, too), napkins, digging out some things we already have like candles and other outdoor decor. It’s time to use up the things I have and be creative with the stuff I already own.

Along with that, relishing my last weeks of full time maternity leave (part time leave is still going thru September at least).

Work life

Here’s how I envision my new work life: I’ll be back semi-solo again. That’s OK. I plan to use more technology and start using changes as a profit center. This is both an estimating communication item and a technology item (online time tracking for all staff.) I intend to take the work I can handle – even if it’s not entirely full time. I’ll devote 20% to marketing and selling. I’ll get involved in the groups that matter for my business. I’ll run the incubator, providing us with income and continuing to advance our commitment to entrepreneurs.

I’ll bolster my education monthly with webinars, seminars and books. I’ll ramp up some speaking engagements in the 2nd half of 2011. I’m going to make more money. A lot more money. In fact, if I’m not making money, I’m slowing down my work life – it’ll be working to make money or not working to be with my kids.

I work to fund their educations, a nice vacation or two each year, a few extras for myself, and to save money for our retirement and financial future.

I see myself succeeding, still probably at the office until we fill that space, with three entrepreneur firms sharing our office. I see my business thriving, and providing me with the means to accomplish my goals. I see myself being active in the business community, learning and growing. I visualize successfully transitioning back to working motherhood, with an emphasis on motherhood. Taking time for my children is priority. Volunteering and being involved is important. Surrounding myself with people who accelerate my life and for whom I can provide acceleration to, and provide inspiration are critical.

New motherhood

I’m doing a much better job this time of just sitting and marveling at this new life we’ve created. That I nurtured, and gave birth to just a little over a week ago. It seems I could sit for hours in the rocker, in front of the window, just holding and nursing our baby. This is good. I have no agenda. I get one thing done a day (today it was the peri herbs and the dishes and cleaning out a bag full of stuff from work.) I daydream. I plan, I think. But mostly I look at you, my son, and marvel at the miracle of new life.

You’re a good sleeper too, what a good boy! Mama is very happy about this. Yes, you cluster feed twice a day, and no, I don’t mind it at all. I know what to expect and this time has been blissful.

and we welcome our son….

Sunday’s post was prophetic. Sunday evening at 10pm, I was working through one of the weekend’s contractions (not too hard but needing to concentrate) on E’s bedroom floor, hands & knees when I felt a big POP and a very strong contraction. So strong I was sure I would not be able to crawl out of her room to the office where G. was watching the Canadian Grand Prix on the computer. I called for him twice and then felt my amniotic fluid leaking.

Contractions started right up about 3 minutes apart, and G. got E. over to the neighbors in time to load the car. I labored downstairs, over a beach towel, and he loaded me in the well-toweled back seat of the Subaru.

They continued about 3 minutes apart til we got to the hospital. Then, in OB triage, when the nurses were asking me for my ID and to sign stuff (my purse was, alas, at home), I was on my hands & knees in the door way and G. was saying “we don’t have time for all this”. They got me into a triage room, the resident checked and said “she’s complete!” and all of sudden, there was this flurry of people and activity: “She’s complete!” They wheeled me down right in the bed, asking “are you feeling pushy?” and I was not at that moment.

But soon, a few contractions later, I was. I struggled to get in the right position, which seemed to be hands & knees but up, on the back of the lifted bed. I tried turning around to the standard classic push position, but G. could see, and I could feel this wasn’t working. The resident asked me to lay on my back (!!) but we knew better. So G. got me back facing the back of the bed. I was, as usual, howling, not pushing, but once I got the hang of the contraction (wait until it starts to peak THEN start pushing) it went smoother. I could FEEL his body moving down in me. Then, the pain just got intense, wouldn’t let up even in between contractions (which were a not-very-comfortable two and a half minutes apart). It was so, so hard. I was crying “why won’t he come out? what’s wrong?” But soon, I could feel his head crowning (let’s not discuss the messy, except to say labor is messy, and the staff knows how to handle it). And then, last push, very painful but I knew he was coming out. A pop, a slip and he was out!

They were great – they got me turned over and the bedding cleaned up a bit and laid him on my chest, let him nurse while still connected to the cord. Eventually the cord stopped pulsing and they let me cut it. My son! You’re on your own now (sorta!)

We got everything we wanted – two hours of bonding and nursing, weighing and measuring and such at the end. All his baby care in the room, not the nursery. It was delightful!

Both OBs stopped by, cheered for me having birthed without anesthesia, commended me on a good birthing position (Drs. both said that most of their natural patients birth in that position).

It was, amazing. Intense, fast, incredibly painful, but amazing. And now, looking a lot like E. as a newborn, is sleeping in a bouncy seat next to me. My son. Our son. We did it!

Christian Robert Siegle

7lbs 12 oz. 11:57pm 6/13/10

We did it, my boy, 39 weeks exactly, a beautiful pregnancy that you gave to me. It was my gift to nurture you and I am sad it’s over, but I’m ready to move on, and YOU are the prize. I don’t think anyone but a mother or father can understand a parent’s love. I am blown away how I can love TWO children this much.

Wee bit emotional today

I’m a wee bit emotional. I know this beautiful time is coming to an end, and realistically, I should not be having another baby at 42 or 44 years old. So this is it. And we’d have two, a daughter, a son, a family that fits us. Oh, but this is SO wonderful. I must take many moments today to just simply relish in this child in my womb. I’m watching babywearing instructional DVDs, buying nursing patterns, thinking about maternity leave and relishing the joy that is this time. But it’s a little bittersweet. Last time I thought it might have to be the end, but in my heart, I knew I’d have another. This time? my heart tells me this should be the last. But I’m not closing the door! (silly, silly girl). My family is now home from their jaunt to get milk and eggs, so I’ve got to go.

Waiting for baby

Boy, this is at once amazing and crazy.  A year ago, almost, G. lost his job. And we thought we’d never get this house. But I had a vision of the future – and  it involved me, pregnant, at this house, walking down the deck stairs to a burgeoning garden. Indeed, I did just that, tonight, on a hot night, to clip lettuce leaves for our dinner salad. I’m waiting. I’m both sad pregnancy is ending, and glad a new phase is beginning. Glad to be starting my motherhood life again with a newborn. But still, sad. Pregnancy is such a special time in life. It’s been so joyful (yes, the first few months were hard, but the rest have been beautiful). I don’t know how long I have – I think maybe the better part of several days. I don’t think it will be this weekend – and he may surprise all of us and go to our due date, next Sunday, Father’s Day.

Yes, not everything is done (not even close!) but neither does it seem urgent. I mainly want to get the laundry put away tomorrow, and move my computer downstairs for the summer. Organize my nursing tops (the ones that I have that my friend M. has not borrowed.) Wait for baby. I have contractions on and off but they are not regularly spaced yet, so I think my body is just getting ready, but not yet there. Definitely more these last few days than earlier in the week. It’ll be soon but not THAT soon, I think.

It has been SUCH a lovely journey, this pregnancy. I have so loved it and have felt so blessed to have done this again. A son is on the way. We are so incredibly fortunate, for all that we have and all that we can do.