Ode to an Old Car

Oh the places you’ve been!

My Ford Explorer is 15 years old. Today, I donated it to St Vincent Catholic Charity, who is placing it with a family with a mom, dad, and two kids. I’m very happy to see it go to someone who can use it. But rather than focus on why it’s going, I’m focusing on where we went and how much we loved our truck.

The most memorable event was in 2007, when I labored in the back seat on the way to Sparrow Hospital, leaned against it in the driveway during a contraction, and again at the hospital, en route to the birth of our miracle baby girl, now 5. The truck was 10.

Slightly less exciting but ever memorable, I can still see the reflection of a tiny puppy’s face in the passenger window, driving home at sunset on a late December afternoon, 12 pounds of furball that grew up to be 50lb Zuzu. The dog hair won’t ever be fully out of the truck, it’s embedded so deeply, just like the dog, in our hearts. The truck was 2 1/2.

Scuba diving in the Great Lakes – 95 feet down, 37 degrees, gloomy green-gray dark, on a shipwreck. Dive tanks in the back. Exhilirating. Mountain biking in the Keewenaw Peninsula, Tahquamenon Falls, Pictured Rocks, too many lighthouses to count. A winter cross country ski trip (one of many) where an exhausted Zuzu, then just a year old, bounded through belly-deep snow 11 km on a frigid winter day, then curled up in her spot behind the driver’s seat and fell to sleep before we even started the truck for the drive home.

Towing sailboats to more regattas than I can even remember – even to a North American Championship in Lake Erie in 2003. It was our only car for five years, and our main traveling vehicle for 10. Gas was 89 cents a gallon when we bought it in 1997.

It’s been forever that I have owned a Ford, and 20 years since I have owned an Explorer, a green one (first a cute two door Sport in Florida, and then our trusty 4, now 3working-door XLT). The roof rack got ripped off twice when we forgot bikes were on the roof. Our dog moved to the way back when we had our second child, but eventually regained her single-seat spot behind the driver’s seat, after we moved the carseats next to each other.

Cars say so much about us. When it was new, it said “sporty and practical” which perfectly defined us. When it got older, it said “frugal”  and “utilitarian” and then “cheapskate” which also perfectly defined us then, too.

All cleaned up and ready for delivery to the charity, we briefly both thought, from a distance, she cleans up well. But up close, you can see the rust, and yes, that back door still doesn’t open.  It’s time to go.

What we took out of it was memorable. A DeLorme Atlas and Gazetteer so worn, and old there are entire new highways not on it (M-6 for one). In the days before Google Maps and even last Labor Day, when we went cross country on dirt roads, with no mobile coverage, avoiding the traffic, the DeLorme Gazetteer was it. We have a newer one, it went, with the leaflets from state parks,  pathway systems,  brewpubs or lighthouses, into a briefcase bag into the Outback, ready for the next adventure. At least a dozen baby socks (our son hates socks, even in winter, removes them while in his carseat.) A window smasher in the front driver’s door pocket, I never drive anywhere without it in case I go off a bridge into water.

We replaced her with a smaller but still sporty and practical Subaru Outback. His and Hers Subarus in the garage now. I think the new one also says “more eco-friendly” for an era of $3.89 or even $4.89 gas.  What memories will we make here? Pass this one on to our daughter when she turns 16? Hard to know. But one thing is for sure, I will miss having a green Ford Explorer, even just a little.

Mom of the Year!

Not!

Tonight I admit defeat. Six loads of wash to fold, rooms full of clutter, a disaster of a desk. Last night, I felt so confident, sewing a nursing hoodie, getting kids to bed on time. Today? Not so much!  Of course it was a long day – work followed by the Breastfeeding Coalition dinner meeting (with children!)

The work to be done seems endless, and I am tired. But mostly I’m ungrounded a bit. I need to do some exercises to get myself zeroed in on what is working and ditch the rest. That list that Meg Meeker outlines, the one you write, then toss, then focus on the real three things that you are supposed to be working on. Like my kids. I think I’ll go up and sing more lullabyes to my daughter.

Funny: Nursing C in the Ergo. I sneeze. He pops off and says “bessyoo” Indeed.

all in good time

I’m open to change. Change is good. That’s all, just putting that out there for the Universe to hear.

I’m doing some exercises this week that will help me be a happier mother and hopefully spill over in to the rest of my life, too. But opening myself up to change is really good for that.

A few changes I would like to see in (my) Catholic Church

No, I’m not talking about adding women priests or dethroning the Pope or any such other stuff. I spent the weekend in Chicago and with it, Easter Sunday at my MIL’s evangelical “Vineyard” Church (which is flourishing as a brand, they have one in my town too.) Vineyard, which takes up residence in a underused and unusual spaces (like an office park, or strip mall in my town) and setting up shop has some noteworthy things going for it.

This particular Vineyard church is in a renovated former stereo microphone company behind a strip mall. This forgotten piece of industrial space has been renovated into a large church. And Vineyard Evanston gets many things very right.

Upon walking in, they have greeters saying hello to everyone. I was said hello to at least three or four times. I can’t remember – even in the crush of attending mass just before the opening hymn ended someone doing that at our church. Their long hall opens into several areas, including a computerized child-check-in to nursery and Sunday school. No kid leaves without the parent’s ticket (and even my hubby was turned away because the ticket said my name).

Then you open into a room that looks like a conference center lobby. Complete with small tables, chairs, a welcome area, and a free, yes FREE coffee and bagel bar. Just like a Fairfield Inn, the Vineyard welcomes it’s guests with coffee and free breakfast. Even better the chairs in the worship area have cupholders. Cupholders!

I dunno, but I think the college student contingent at our progressive Catholic church would go gaga over free coffee and bagels. We have plenty of room downstairs to set up this same cafe style atmosphere, and lo, it’s right down the hall from the nursery!

I didn’t care for the rock and roll style music score, but I liked the big screens that flashed the bible verses and the readings that were being referred to during the homily (sermon?) Also parents saw their parent ticket number appear on the board so they knew they were needed in the nursery.

I love our light-filled, soaring church. The music is inspiring to the point of sometimes giving me the shivers of joy. And I love the Catholic Mass. But I think that we assume everyone knows the liturgy, and it’s some secret club if you’re not up on it. Why not post it on the big screen? Or heck, print up a guide in the pews? How hard would it be to have the church ladies make up a coffee service and get bagels? I could see it becoming – like Vineyard is – a place to not just come and go fast, but a place to linger. A place that was unbelievably welcoming.

At one point in the service they asked everyone who was new to raise their hand and they distributed a CD of their choir (band)’s music, a couple of mints, a pen and a card for the guest to fill out to find out more about the church. That’s a great idea!

I think our church could use a lot of these things – granted the 10 am is as full as it can be (and it’s the only Mass to have the nursery which is why it’s probably busy), but what about our college-student-heavy noon and 5pm masses? I think a little coffee and a lot of welcome goes a long way.

To my miracle daughter, on her 5th birthday

Peanut, on this night, five years ago, you were born. At 12:03 am. The previous evening, a soft and gentle spring evening, sun shining, birds singing, warm, I walked (waddled), heavy with pregnancy at 35 and a half weeks along, far too early to have a baby, but so far longer than they ever thought I could stay pregnant. My neighbor and dog park friend and I met on the walk. As Roosevelt and Zuzu bumped noses, my neighbor asked “Aren’t you in labor?” and I said “Not yet!” Famous last words. About 45 minutes later, it started.

As you were born – in a thunderstorm, I’m told – though I wasn’t paying attention – and they handed you to me and I said, over and over “I can’t believe I have a baby! I can’t believe I finally have a baby!”, you became the child that healed my grief, healed my loss and made me, finally, a mother.

In the quiet nursery, warm and heavy with that delicious baby smell, I nursed you. In a quiet alcove, in a rocker, your tiny red cheeks, your little fists balled up and tucked in next to me, I felt, for the first time in a long, long time, at peace.

You’ll never know how much I love you – until you have your own children and know that powerful love that a mother has for her child. I know I’m not always the best, most patient mama, but I love you, I love you, I love you more than time and life itself. I will love you forever, past the bounds of this earth, past the time of this life.

I want for you what every mother wants for her child – to keep you safe from harm, to send you off confident in to the world (let’s start with Kindergarten!) and that you will live your life happy, find love, have babies and live to a ripe old age where you will say you had a great life. It’s amazing to me that I carried you in my belly. I remember your tiny foot pushing up so far I could see it’s small shape outside my sweater. And here you are, independent, capable and yet still my baby girl.

You are five, a magical age, and I want to live five with you. Take me by the hand, draw me rainbows, let’s play in the rain, have picnics in the living room and make forts out of blankets. teach me again how to look at the world with wonder, let me leave the impatient work world behind on our weekends.

I hope you’ll let me show you how to create, how to dance, how to draw, how to stand strong and, as you have already done for me, how to love.

What price?

It’s 9:09pm. I worked til 5:15pm (stopping at the bank, back to my office for my laptop), picked up kids, drove to the post office, drove almost home, realized I had forgotten to send an ad for a client to a magazine (on deadline). Called hubby, drove 20 min to his office, waited 10 minutes, traded cars (and kids), drove to my office, posted ad, locked up, drove home. Ate dinner at 7:15pm, bathed toddler, put him down to bed (nursing to sleep!) at 8pm, tucked him in bed with his sister at 830pm, kissed her goodnight. Did the dishes (not done, but the first load is in) washed a load of laundry, folded clean cloth diapers, put them away, and will fold another load before taking all the laundry from last week  upstairs. Tomorrow, we have a babysitter coming so we can work from 6-9pm on Billing Wednesday – billing for my small business.

Whew. Last night I did much the same, only I also did a 1 – 1/2 hour webinar for some sewing software. Tonight I even considered making cappucino and sewing the upcycled man’s sweater to capelet with faux fur collar! But discretion is the better part of valor, and I feel a cold coming on (both kids have been sick). I took vitamins, am drinking some tea and resting now.

I wonder what drives me – and so many other working mothers – like this. Granted, many of them are not on five (FIVE) boards of directors of various charity and community organizations, most of them do not sew their own clothes, or their children’s. Comparison steals joy, and I’m not going to go there – even though that’s probably what’s driving me.

The very long version of this post – I am getting there – is at what price is all of this worth it? I make less now than I did ten years ago – though admittedly much more than I did two years ago. I work my tail off. Clients pay slowly. We try to bill them as little as we can, out of consideration of their businesses, too.

Could we live on less? Much less? Work much less? Spend more time with my kids? I think there’s this idea that I have to grow, grow, grow this business, when maybe that is not the answer. Yes, I have staff, but they can do more, and I could do less!

My goals are always the same

They don’t change much, because they really are part of who I am. So here it goes for 2012:

Love our stuff: We have a lot of great stuff – from pizza and Italian breads cookbook and pizza pan, to a set of small ashtrays that are perfect for sushi, to fancy china, to a closetful of clothes, scarves and jewelry. Some help might be an app to help me manage my closet ideas (love the apps), and combining the love our friends category and love our stuff to have love our stuff with friends!

• Clean out – basement, closets
• Revisit – closets & cupboards first
• Repurpose – reuse- recycle – donate

Love our friends & family: Call at least three friends per month for a play date – from group playdates to coffee and kids to moms night in. Visit our cousins, including a trip to TX in the spring and CA next fall. Of course there will be a wedding, and we should make a weekend of it! See the neighbors, and invite them over. Part of this is  a clean house, and we can see the Love Our Home section for that.

Celebrate our faith & give back: We love to volunteer, but we often forget how much we do, so a regular ‘accounting’ in the journal of all the wonderful things we are doing for others is really helpful. Faith deepens with more regular attendance at mass. Maybe even a blog-study?

Be Healthy: From vitamins for all of us, to walking Zuzu every day, to getting enough sleep, we all need to be healthier. We do a good job. We can do better – Meatless Mondays, Fish Fridays and at least one Salad Saturday from time to time.

• Garden
• Run – 3- 5Ks and mini sprint Tri, plus regular weekly runs
• Bike – Trainers in the winter, once per week in the nice weather – get a ‘girls’ riding group going  – through friendships & ATHENA WIN
• Sail – get a sitter and sail the lightning. come out to sail on Wednesdays with Christian
• Gratitude prayers and journal (for the kids, daily prayers, for me, journaling)

Have fun! From date night to kid crafts, we need to all have more fun. So I profess  Fun Fridays at our house where we enjoy games, crafts, drawing, plays and other such fun as a family. We also need to cultivate a loving home – and that, for me starts with ditching impatience in favor of savoring the moment.

• Sew, knit, needlepoint, sketch, create.
• Museum, skate, swim, ski, sail, bike

Home love: Enhance our space with love and creativity.

• Garden – create new garden spots for more growing
• Creatively create outdoor spaces and furniture for relaxing with our littles
• Plant flowers/harvest flowers & greenery every week for our home.
• Keep it clean. Work to have no dishes and maintain Housecleaning Monday every week, with Kid Toy Pickup nightly.

Savor: Photograph and scrapbook everything. These days are going so fast and saving and archiving them to photos is important. Create a digital backup and archive at the office, as well.

Create: Learn new stuff.

Business: (just a bit, the marketing plan is taking the place of this)

• Deliver ROI
• Be passionate
• Expect value and deliver more
• Follow the plan for my business that I tell my clients to
• Learn CSS well
•  Become an expert in several areas – small business digital marketing and entrepreneur web site consulting.

adhering to my core values

So last night was billing Wednesday. I don’t particularly like this night because it forces me to look at what we are not making and last night was no exception. I had emailed clients earlier in the day following up on long overdue bills. One, a good client of ours, called back and renegotiated several bills. A few were legit; the sites still had intermittent errors we could not track down. I struggle with this. If we were employees, they wouldn’t withhold pay if we couldn’t solve the problem (and we can, they just don’t want us to try right now). In other client’s cases, their fixes took longer than they should have. And we lost money. I just had about had it, and blew up at G. who busts his tail to keep up with the books despite working full time elsewhere. I said I was ready to quit the business, that I was not happy with aspects of our marriage and I felt that my stress was affecting it. If I removed the business stress we could work out the rest. He reminded me that I have employees, three mortgages – and even a day care provider – who count on me. So I’m in jail. With the door open.

I feel like George Bailey – he gives to his customers, never taking an extra dime for himself. He gets to the end of HIS rope and friends come to his aid. But I don’t expect my friends to come to my aid (nor should they). Like George, I drive a crappy, rusty old car. And then today, I realized I need to look at my core values. What I am about is delivering real, honest and amazingly devoted service to my clients. I’d do it if I were independently wealthy.

I don’t need a car (well, I do, it’s a safety thing right now, broken windshield, doors that don’t open,etc.) but I do need to look at what I’d do if money were not the issue. That is my core value. Maybe I need to carefully edit my clients, and work less or work smarter. (oddly enough writing that gave me a pain in my chest and made it hard to breathe…) There are amazing bright spots, the things we do for our not-for-profit clients, the clients who love us back.

I don’t need a lot of stuff. And  I  deserve to get paid my value and the value of my employees. And I will go above and beyond for you. I expect nothing less in return.

Spring cleaning?

So, the day after Christmas and we are spring cleaning? It was / is a gorgeous 44 degrees and sunny – in late December – so we took advantage of it and spent three hours cleaning the windows inside and out. Tonight, we have our usual housecleaning Monday. In between, laundry folding & putting away. I’m taking a break, I am tired, and probably needed more of a day to rest from being sick than anything. Didn’t get it. My kids are both recovering from colds too, so the whole fam is cranky. It feels good to put clean sheets, fold and put away laundry, clean out clothes that are too big and get ready, really ready to embrace the winter season with bright shiny windows.

This entire week promises nice weather, so we’re taking advantage of it where we can.

If you forget your lunch…

…Don’t come to my office. It’s a gray, rainy November day, the kind you just do not want to brave even in the car (worse would be snow, weatherguy says that’s coming soon). So I went up to our freezer (we have a full size kitchen) and found one link of a two-pack of Eckrich polish Kielbasa (the big packs, and yes, I ate the whole thing, I’m sure it was 3 servings), 6″ of a frozen garlic bread (I had one of the halves), two clementines and one mini coconut milk ice cream bar. Lunch of champions, indeed! I feel all jittery from the nitrites and all slothlike from the transfats (I exaggerate.)

I had *just* bought four lean cuisines to keep at work for just this occasion. But they are still at home in my freezer there. I usually have soup too, but we ended up with only the cream soups left (can’t have dairy) so I’m soupless, to boot. But NEXT time I forget my lunch, unless those Lean Cuisines come here soon, I’ll be eating croutons and coffee beans with ketchup, so I’d really better plan ahead.

This morning I started out at a 7:30am board meeting for a not-for-profit business women’s group. Hubby called me to ask what was the plan for the dog. Plan? I Have no plan! I would have to go home (and I could have rectified the lunch situation then) But I grumbled and resigned myself. She has to come with me, she’s 13, she can’t stay home alone without crossing all four of her legs at some point. And then I emerged from my meeting after 9am and there was a doggie in my car! By chance I’d just mentioned to hubby “well I can’t take her to (office name)” and he remembered, and dropped her off. Taking the kids to day care too, what a nice guy!

The weird scrounged lunch is over, I’m back to work in a minute. Hope you’re eating better than I am at this lunch hour!