in another life
This isn’t a WWYLLLI post, but I’ll post it under that category anyway, since it fits. It’s really a longing for something I don’t have and maybe did want.
Today I’m sitting on the big exercise ball bouncing my six week old son (wrapped up in a carrier on my chest) and looking at a sewing pattern. In the instructions for this cap-sleeved, A-line nursing dress or tunic, I’m reading “includes a special section for alterations for use in pregnancy” and I have a longing moment for more children that is almost palpable. I can’t tell my husband this. Truly that time is over. I’ll be 41 in two months. We have a 4 bedroom house that’s full (especially if I work from home). But I think of another life – in which I chose to have children – and was able to – at, say 30, and had, say 3 or 4 children (!) The life of a crafty, fashionista, stay-at-home-and-homeschool mother. Maybe part time designer (yes, probably), definitely craftista business owner. Having more children. I know, I know, I can barely care for myself right now, let alone a third or fourth child.
And I should not be thinking this at all. That’s why it’s here, to just get the thoughts out there, to just express them so they don’t haunt me. Yes, I was warned, by friends, by my grandmother Aimee (my grandmother Ann said “never have children, they’ll make you miserable”), by my cousins. But, you know I have made my own choices and have been glad of them.
There are lots of reasons why this doesn’t work – for instance, travel to Europe would probably be out. The bike trip across France would be out. Montessori, scratch that. Heck, even affording college (and retirement) would be challenging. And I do love to work. I love my clients.
So how do I carve out sort of this life right now. First off, I can’t work full time again. Not right now. This has slowly been the dynamic that’s been changing in my life. God said, okay, I’ll give you another child. And then he said, okay, I’ll make it easy, your partners want to leave the business. I’ll give you a sucky year that you’ll reconsider your work life. And then he is saying “okay, now it’s time, I’ve shown you this path, it’s time for you to take heed of these things I’m sending and do them”. So I take this morning’s feelings, the strong, overpowering feelings that my life must change and I must try to do them in some form or another.
I need to start articulating what that looks like so I may manifest it in my life. But it’s still fuzzy around the edges a bit, and I have to work on that vision a bit more.
Filed under The Nursing Fashionista, wwyllli | Comment (0)The exercises
So why’d I do those fantasy exercises? To see that the grass may not be greener. And to understand that there are some green patches over here. First off, I DO get 2 months off a year. Granted, not contiguously (a month is pushing it). I do have a lot of creativity and helping others in my current life.
And as I read them again, I see new insights into what I was thinking. But I think for the moment, the status quo is fine. I need to get this life healthy before I start changing things.
Filed under wwyllli | Comment (0)What would your life look like if…
You decided to stay at home and be a SAHM
I would only do this if we had to move for G’s job though. I don’t think I could do it with his current salary. And I’m doing this at the end of a long and challenging weekend, so my thoughts are colored by that experience.
My day might look like this: Get up lateish, go do some mom-kid thing like story time or swim lessons or play at the park. Have lunch at home, have a nap (mama sews or cleans the house). Go back for playtime. At about 4pm, start fixing dinner. Have to develop some kid happy things to do while THAT happens.
My wardrobe would be: upscale mom – basically same as now, but fewer fancy heels. In fact, I’d probably never wear high heels again. boo. But my feet and back would thank me.
My salary would be: none, unless I combined this with launch handbag business for real, then I could support my sewing habit (maybe)
My work hours would be: Zero.
This fits in my value category of helping others: Only the one that really counts: Peanut.
This fits in my value category of being with my family by: I’d be home.
This fits my value category of creativity: Low. I’d be giving up all my creative outlets – except sewing, knitting and crafting.
My feeling about this scenario: semi accurate, I have a lot of friends and family who chose this option!
I could homeschool, which is appealing only slightly. But then once she went to school, honestly, what am I doing then? I’d be bored silly. I dislike housework generally. I get batty without a lot of volunteer work (which would probably take up my time). And I’d start a side business that would turn into something full time. Frankly I’ve built (and rebuilt) many businesses so far and I’m just not sure I want to start yet another venture.
I’m not sure a full time SAHM is my gig. I fantasize about part time work (I do work 35 hours a week now, but that doesn’t quite count), and that might be as close as I come. UNLESS G. gets a job out of state, and then all bets are off, and I could certainly choose this life in that case. But how would I do, leaving my work, my worklife, my career?
Filed under wwyllli | Comment (0)What would your life look like if…
You launched your handbag business for real.
I have had this handbag business on the side since, well 2005. It was supposed to be the ‘consolation prize’ for not having the baby and enduring a miscarriage and near suicide. But it ended up being an albatross. At first I said I’d sew them for others, but I don’t like, that, so I thought I’d sell patterns. A better deal.
I have to finish tweaking and post the third pattern, a messenger bag. I think if I launched it for real, I’d need real pattern sheets, a foldover insert in a ziploc bag (printed in color), real illustrations along with photos, and some well-sewn samples.
It would take some work, but I could do it in a matter of months, I think.
My day might look like this: Same as now, with sewing on the weekends.
My wardrobe would be: upscale working mom – basically same as now, better looking handbags!
My salary would be: same at work, but add on the additional revenue from the bags
My work hours would be: Longer
This fits in my value category of helping others: by helping others have cool accessories. Okay I admit this is a stretch, but look, a great bag makes ME feel good, surely I’m not alone, or Prada would not be a multimillionaire.
This fits in my value category of being with my family by: I’d be home to sew.
This fits my value category of creativity: high, I’d have to design and sew new bags regularly.
My feeling about this scenario: semi accurate, and I have some help from my friend Christine. So I think I could do this if I put my mind to it.
But there’s a nagging feeling that it’s more work than it’s worth right now. Still it would be a great marketing exercise, for work, a lovely case study, and I’d have a lot of great bags.
Filed under Everyday Life, wwyllli | Comment (0)What would your life look like if…
You launched your handbag business for real.
I have had this handbag business on the side since, well 2005. It was supposed to be the ‘consolation prize’ for not having the baby and enduring a miscarriage and near suicide. But it ended up being an albatross. At first I said I’d sew them for others, but I don’t like, that, so I thought I’d sell patterns. A better deal.
I have to finish tweaking and post the third pattern, a messenger bag. I think if I launched it for real, I’d need real pattern sheets, a foldover insert in a ziploc bag (printed in color), real illustrations along with photos, and some well-sewn samples.
It would take some work, but I could do it in a matter of months, I think.
My day might look like this: Same as now, with sewing on the weekends.
My wardrobe would be: upscale working mom – basically same as now, better looking handbags!
My salary would be: same at work, but add on the additional revenue from the bags
My work hours would be: Longer
This fits in my value category of helping others: by helping others have cool accessories. Okay I admit this is a stretch, but look, a great bag makes ME feel good, surely I’m not alone, or Prada would not be a multimillionaire.
This fits in my value category of being with my family by: I’d be home to sew.
This fits my value category of creativity: high, I’d have to design and sew new bags regularly.
My feeling about this scenario: semi accurate, and I have some help from my friend Christine. So I think I could do this if I put my mind to it.
But there’s a nagging feeling that it’s more work than it’s worth right now. Still it would be a great marketing exercise, for work, a lovely case study, and I’d have a lot of great bags.
Filed under wwyllli | Comment (0)What would your life look like if…
You had another baby:
I’d have to go to Chicago for six to ten months, every week. I’d have to get help at home. If I conceived and had multiples, I’d have to think carefully about returning to my current work, given the financial scenario.
But once I settled down, to one or two new babies, I would love nursing more babies, seeing them grow, watching Peanut interact with them.
My day might look like this: get up (lateish, like I do now), prep everyone for day care, work 30 hours at my job (I’d have to take a cut in work hours/days just to manage, I think), come home, nurse the babies, eat dinner, play, and then go to bed.
I would only have time for sewing after they all went to bed (!)
My wardrobe would be: upscale working mom – basically same as now, more comfortable shoes for sure.
My salary would be: less. Can I afford less?
My work hours would be: flexible, shorter than they are now
This fits in my value category of helping others: by raising new humans!
This fits in my value category of being with my family by: expanding the love to more children
This fits my value category of creativity: moderate. childrearing does take creativity, but it’s not the sort I’m nurturing in my work life.
My feeling about this scenario: reasonably accurate, many of my friends are second moms. They tell me they have less time for themselves, but clearly it must be rewarding because a lot of them do it! It would be a LONG, EXPENSIVE and potentially emotionally devastating road, if I were to lose more pregnancies. It would involve some risk, given my 40ish age, and it would involve weaning Peanut which I’m not sure either of us want to do.
But the overriding feeling is that I would very much like more children. I can’t say exactly why, I just do.
Filed under Everyday Life, wwyllli | Comment (0)what would your life look like if…
You were a college professor.
I’d work long hours during the semester. But I’d be able to take sabbatical time, up to a few months a year, and legitimately go teach overseas and get paid and have a good trip.
I’d have to go back and get a phD in some discipline (probably fine art and design) which would be immensely challenging from an emotional and time perspective. Intellectually, I’m sure I’m cut out for it, I love research and I happen to like learning a lot.
But once I had my classes kind of set, I’d have more free time to do research projects and then, I think I’d be able to explore some of the creativity that I have felt I’ve been lacking at work these past few years.
My day might look like this: get up (lateish, like I do now), prep for class, take daughter to school (it’ll take some time to get that PhD after all), go to class, teach, hold office hours. get coffee with an interesting colleague, plan my next guest teaching session with Italian university, do some research in my field. pick up daughter from school. Go home, do more research on my field work.
My wardrobe would be: slightly more eclectic, being an arty prof. but more comfortable shoes for sure.
My salary would be: damn straight a helluva lot more than I’m making NOW!
My work hours would be: flexible, but longer than they are now.
This fits in my value category of helping others: by teaching others.
This fits in my value category of being with my family by: offering me flexible work hours and a couple months of a year
This fits my value category of creativity: high, it would be a very creative journey through a PhD and practical daily research.
My feeling about this scenario: reasonably accurate, many of my friends are in academia. And this is very appealing as I crawl up to 40, to reinvent myself. It is, however, not compatible with some of the other scenarios coming up.
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