finding meaning

struggling to find meaning yet. I’m not happy, by any stretch. I do have warm shearling slippers (that’s one good thing) and a wonderful dog. George is my rock. But he doesn’t get it. and he doesn’t see the roads rising up to meet us, both going in 180 degree directions from one another. Watched Garden State, and in one moment Natalie Portman’s character says something “that’s life even if it hurts” and it hit me, yes, that’s life, and it hurts. That’s life.

My coral jacket came out OK. Pretty well, actually. I had trouble again with the facing, but I think it’ll be great once I get the buttonholes in (have to wait for my machine to be serviced). I’ll work on a few other jackets (Loes Hinse) tomorrow, easier patterns, to feel more complete about the whole week off thing. It’s the only thing keeping me going, right now.

if I could

I so would do it tonight. yes, on christmas. But unfortunately, I’m too chicken, maybe even too excited about learning what is next in life. But that’s how bad it feels right now. I have to get over it (like in the next ten seconds) since I have to walk in the other room and be fine. So what other happy thoughts? let’s see, not my health, since my health and I are on odd terms now. jeez can’t think of a single thing.

My christmas letter – the one I’ll never send

Dear friends & family: 2004 has been a terrible year and we’re so glad to see it go. George’s work with the consulting firm yielded ZERO clients and work in the latter third of 2003 and ALL of 2004, so he finally left after a year without a paycheck in August and has been unemployed since. I bought a new building with my business partners after four months of agonizing negotiations with the seller, two banks and two deals that nearly fell through. In February 21st, my grandmother Ann lost her battle with alzheimers, I was there with her 2 days before her death. In April, my grandmother “D” was diagnosed with cancer and fell down a spiral of heart attack, strokes, clinical depression before dying on Sept 2nd.

In September, after 12 months trying to conceive, we succeeded, only to lose the baby at 9 weeks on 11.3.04 (election day for the rest of you). We’re avoiding all of you at the holidays because if one more person asks if we’ll ever have kids I will smack them hard. And I don’t think that’s appropriate at holiday gatherings.

Business was slow this year for us, but better than the previous year, and we’re not alone. Most of our area friends’ businesses report exactly the same thing. Now, I know GWB promised us a good economy and for HIM there IS 100% unemployment, but for the rest of us, it sucks. In addition, we lost our health insurance when George left his job. Since some Republicans in the Michigan Senate killed a bill by Debbie Stabenow that would have provided a plan for businesses here in MI to obtain health care for less than 2 people in a group. Despite having my miscarriage at home, I still incurred more than $600 worth of med bills for tests and bloodwork. And, because of my condition (hormonal) I will be unlikely to sustain a pregnancy until I have insurance to help me overcome my issue. If it’s even covered.

So you can see, while we are grateful for our health and our love at this time of year, we just want THIS year to end.

unhealthy surfing? bok choy again

so I bid on 3 maternity patterns on e-bay today. This, after two days of sore throat, the bok choy cravings, and tomato cravings. I haven’t had the salsa with a spoon from a jar yet. My temp is looking triphasic and I’m worried. If it hovers in the triphasic range tomorrow, I’ll test (11dpo). If it goes down I’ll presume they are just AF cravings. But the patterns, I’m still getting. They’re nice ones. I’ll use ‘em or if not I’ll give them to a friend who is pg now. is this unhealthy? Am I recovering. I thought a lot about Steve today as I walked Zuzu. I can’t believe he’s gone – it seems like just a year or so that the four of us went skiing up in Manistee. He lost his fight, and this time of year it makes me sad to remember everyone that’s not here. It was snowing, fluffy flakes, as we turned on Orchard by the Pump House.

I’m off to sewing, that’s the positive news. I’m a bit sad today, but not overwhelming (dammit, I’m hungry AGAIN, just an hour after I ate the cheez & crackers and bok choy). That would be truly unbelievable, but it’s not impossible, it was within 4 days.

new identity

I was just watching a spy thriller. Where the spy has an unlimited number of fake passports, cash and skills. You know, to escape. Disappear. Vanish. The problem is, I cling to relics, old jewelry, sentiments, the past. So I cannot vanish. Because I’d just start over with a new life, a new identity, but the same old story. And if i did leave, what am I leaving behind? I’m leaving behind everything that troubles me. Conception, miscarriage, responsibilities, work. Only I don’t have unlimited number of aliases, cash or anything else.

Maybe what i need is to travel, to forget about this life, this time, this problem. Problem is there’s no money. Oh maybe there is, you know, if you don’t do the things you do every day and save every penny, the things I swear after every trip I’ll NEVER covet again. When, sitting at the top of the Spanish Steps (the locals sit at the bottom; I sat at the top), I don’t want new shoes, I want more Rome. Much more Rome, years of Rome, the chance to do things over in my life. To vanish.

that’s what I covet now, the ability to shed the past, something I cannot do. I used to be good at it. New college, new friends, new job, new city, new state, new clothes, new life. New job, new city, new house, and then somewhere (1997 I think it was) I became the same.

reality holiday letter

so the wsj has an article about the ‘reality holiday letter’ and titles it ‘dear friends, 2004 was a nightmare…’. Just what i was thinking a few weeks back. Hell no thanks.

Today not a good day, last night, not a good night.

faith vs action

I was reading an article on confidence, and how athletes and business success can teach us what separates the winners from losers (mindset, goals, failure and years and years of things that play into it). It touched on the fact that this loss has shaken me most because it was not caused by inaction, lack of preparation, laziness or anything else that failure usually comes from.

which therein is my problem. I am not a person who lives by the rule ‘let go and let God’. I believe our actions shape our life, and that the things we do or do not make us the people we are. so the hardest thing for me in this journey is that it is beyond my actions. I’m not merely talking about unforseen events, because I know life is like that. Even if I do have children, and they throw my life for a loop, I’d never send them out without a coat, or without their homework done, or without good words to help them thru their day. Fortune favors the well prepared.

except now. Today is a decent day. Wearing my new jacket (confidence booster) that I made myself! it looks good and I feel good in it.

not over it yet

the rule of thumb is if you don’t cry in your car on a trip alone, you’re over it. Guess I’m not over it yet!

The sewing session at Christine’s was great. It was my early after the m/c solace that first week, and it ended on a high note. I was focused, detailed and attentive. None of the things I’ve been able to manage anywhere else in my life since Nov3.

Tonight I feel like I’m crawling back into my own life. Getting organized. Making plans for the future. The next jacket I cut won’t be a big size, it’ll be me, size small, very fitted. This is a harbinger of my current mind set. But I bought a vivid coral pink. It’s a good color, tropical, very not winter. But I’ll make it in the winter and wear it with jeans.

AnnS.

the hordes of the depressed and miserable

My fertility board website is ripe with newbies. Those coming in with m/c’s last week or the week before. It’s the circus for the hormonally challenged. Multiple m/c’s in signature files are the norm, not the exception. So tonight isn’t good. The day was OK. Busy, distracting. I’m not feeling suicidal today. Depressed, yes, but not ready to hang it all up. Life could be worse.

So as i was doing things that no doubt post-partum I will never do much of again (four hours of sewing in a row!) I was thinking, do I even really want this? Then what’s the point of the second third of my life then, if I don’t. Or, as a book so kindly put it, if the average age of a woman is 78 at her death, that means 35 is ‘midlife’ (as in having a ‘midlife pregnancy’). So okay, midlife.

I could stomp around and say I’m mad for waiting (my own fault, guilt, guilt, guilt), but truth is I was never thirty one, or thirty two, or hell, thirty three. I was young. Those ages seemed, well, young. Now, today, in the mirror I noticed the big lines on my neck, the ones that on an old woman look like they could swallow up her necklace. THOSE lines. And my eyes? Granted, i don’t look forty, but my body is saying ‘hey stupid, you waited too long’. No one to blame but me.

George said tonight “now that you’re drinking again and making up for lost time, we’re going thru more beer”. Right, and I intend to drink myself silly in December before going semi cold turkey in January. Ever hopeful it will be the month. What if it takes another year. And ends the same way? Can I do this til I’m 38? or 40?

frustration

aargh! spent the morning researching luteal phase defect and miscarriage. They are 100% linked, so any pregnancy I have subsequent to this one will likely end in m/c. Until, either, clomid or prescription progesterone, neither of which I can afford. So too is risk of breast cancer. Hmm. do you think all of this is related?

So this bring me to the bigger question, what is my dream? is it motherhood (now?) or will I end up in two years saying ‘jeez, this did not solve it either’ (likely).

Oh I have a few ideas, cheapo preg test strips, testing at 8dpo every cycle, using a higher dose progesterone cream (imagine if every cycle were a pregnant one, as the research suggests, only to end in m/c early on). I’d be a one-person fertility research clinic.

But bizarrely enough the only cycle I have had without wacky temps is the pregnant one. So what gives?

The clinicity of this day helps. research leads to answers, answers lead to options. options lead to success. I’m crazy.