best in show
so therapy was today. of course i never remember what it was 2 weeks ago that was *really* my issue. i am recovering. the hound group is coming in (westminster kennel club). a friend is getting rid of her dogs b/c their family dynamics are changing. i am shocked. i love my dog with intensity. she’s my heart, my confidante, my pup. always there for me, following me around. therapist says ‘use your dog to help you get out of this’.
my sewing has been good for me – funnel neck leopard top, coral jacket. both great items. both great successes.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)weird dreams
I continue to make progress, but I spent $165 on one month of Zoloft and Ambien (one week) today so it’s an expensive endeavour. George says “that’s two bucks a day” to which I replied, “worth every stinkin’ penny so I don’t kill myself”. And he agreed.
I had two bizarre dreams last night that I think I’m working out my issues. One, I was undergoing a gyno exam OUTSIDE in a park, and clients were somehow present and made a comment that yes, indeed, I did have hair on my lower belly, to support a diagnosis of PCOS. I ran around the rest of the day thinking, I’m so humiliated, I’ll never live this down, they all know of my scary problems! That dream was followed by one in which I was on a dive charter and all of my scuba gear was stolen. It’s very expensive, and I knew it would ruin my trip, i couldn’t afford any more and I was so destraught. I kept saying “I was checking all the time to see that it was there, and it was, and now it’s GONE!” I was banging around in the lower part of the boat and making a huge ruckus over it too, wailing.
I woke up after both of these realizing, quite clearly, that this process I’m undergoing makes me feel powerless and shameful, and that my fertility has been stolen right from under me and there’s nothing I can do about it. In some ways, i think my brain is conditioning me to the eventual decision to not be able to have children. And then, finally, I dreamt that my face was scarred (it is, acne) and I looked absolutely horrible and George was shocked. I keep expressing to him that I’m so sorry this has happened to us, and that I’ll never be able to give us what we desire and now even my looks have been stolen from me.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)another on
jesus christ, another one. My SIL. i got out an xacto knife, dull .poked some small holes in my palm. just shaking to the core right now, i’m surprised i can type. george is not answering his phone. i don’t want to call jen 9right now (bedtime for the kids). this will surely kill me.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)obits
a friend sent an obit for our old realtor, Amy Brown, today, who died over the weekend in a swimming accident in Cancun (on vacation no less). that totally creeped me out, reading that. how close everyone I know came to reading my obit. i don’t know if anyone except me really knows. seconds. it actually is making me a bit ill. or maybe that’s the green tea again. last night though was hard, i had a few crying episodes, and felt that same despair again, it was actually a bit scary. i feel anger at my lack of ability to be myself – enthusiastic, happy, normal, full of energy. i am mad that this has sucked the life out of me, and resentful that i’m losing some of the best months i have to build my business, enjoy my hobbies and feel the boundless energy that i’ve always had. in some ways i almost don’t want to continue the process of having children, b/c i fear that it’s more months and years of the same thing. and just when i do succeed then i’ll be tired, throwing up and glad about it. i wish i could snap out of it. i try, i signed up for nyc details which usually is the boundless energy part of me stimulated, but it has been hard to even muster enthusiasm for posting, let alone even considering to go in to the sewing room to actually TRY something.
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