things no one tells you
so how exactly do you deal with this? the limbo land of waiting. if I could, I’d rip it out myself, but i can’t and I know that’s a dangerous thought. how on earth can I be creative? devoted? hell, I’d settle for the ability to focus for five whole minutes. instead i stumble around in the dark. friends are avoiding me like the plague, uncertain of what to say, afraid of saying the wrong thing so not saying anything at all which is worse. i feel very alone, in a place where no one but me can follow, and it’s closing in on me. i recall that suffocating feeling and it’s back. i wonder (rationally) if my hcg levels are dropping or maybe that it’s retiming my zoloft (not likely) for later in the day. just BE OVER.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)tired
i’m quite tired these days. i might need to move the zoloft (trying it). Going to bed at 8pm or earlier most nights. still no m/c. i know a pregnancy that’s dead can’t stick around forever. but the question is will I bump into the D&C before it happens on it’s own. Going to make some tea in an hour.
this is sucking yet more time and energy and devotion from the rest of my life for an even longer time. maybe this is my curse. i cannot figure out why my body won’t let go, i think i’m telling it to go it’s OK. but maybe not forcefully enough. had a scary mental thought I grabbed a knife and cut my belly open.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)struggling
I’m struggling to stay focused today. didn’t sleep well last night. I think this is beginning to wear on me. I called Rosemary to see what they want me to do, of course no call back (she’s probably waiting for Dr. Sauer to get in). So I’m waiting on what to do about my waiting.
I’ve been OK otherwise, it’s hard to get anything done at all. my entire life feels on hold. Today I’m wearing the Ron Jon Surf Shop dress. It reminds me of a time when it was just the two of us, self contained, fun. I think I knew those were fun times even then. I cannot seem to get started on anything, it is as if my life is stalled. Again.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)should catch you up
okay, just realized I’d been posting in my hand journal.
a week ago thursday we found out this pgcy isn’t viable. Except I haven’t m/c’d yet. Waiting. I’m not sure how long I’ll wait, and what if this is viable and they just got it wrong? I can’t hope for that, but honestly, I’m not having any signs whatsoever.
We’ll see. I’m OK about it now.
A.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)long hot summer
it’s a hot summer day. thank god summer is here, and it’s a hot one. don’t mind the heat really because we have a/c as needed.
The pools are popping up on lawns all over the neighborhood. Feel bad for the students who have no a/c.
tomorrow, my favorite summer dress, the long fitted column of wheat colored linen/rayon from Ron Jon Surf Shop in Cocoa Beach. It reminds me both of that summer trip, that heady heat of Florida, the smell of the beach, and of a self-contained fun time, when it was just the two of us, and all that we needed was a destination and a sense of adventure. I wonder if we’ll ever feel that way again.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)twins!
The news I am getting at some research sites is that my twins, if they are, won’t be officially confirmed til 12 – 14 weeks. Disappearing twin syndrome is pretty common up until then (the second baby gets reabsorbed or is born still when the other twin is born alive). Anecdotally, on the twin forums many people seeing multiple sacs do have multiple babies, though it seems higher order sacs usually results in fewer babies.
So, if I can ‘not officially know’ until 12-14 wks, that gives me clearance to go to the birth center, and get in their program. The ironic thing is we have the money – just it’s not as liquid as it could be. So I don’t qualify for any sort of ‘assistance’ yet, I can’t get health insurance that covers it. And our Michigan legislature is working on a bill that would give callers the precise time of the movie starting at your local theater, instead of the time the ‘commercials’ start. You know, because health care isn’t a big deal.
On the news today the reporter said in subsaharan Africa women have to pay a months’ wage to give birth in a hospital. So George and I did some rough, quick math, and here in the United States, it’s 3+ months wages for the same thing.
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