broken pieces

everything in my life is in shambles, or about to be. I’m sitting here staring at broken pieces. wondering how the hell they go back together, trying to patch the ones that are still halfway intact. I’m tired, I wish I could just lay down and sleep forever. honestly, is any of this worth it?

mood: : somber

Sue starts chemo Monday. She said she knew too that failed IVFs meant increased risk for breast cancer (even then). I browsed Christine Jonson’s site today, and realized I have a bunch of great knits I bought for maternity that would be delightful in most of the patterns I have from her collection. I should just sew them. to hell with maternity. there’s life to be lived right now. It does feel like admission of failure, though. I remember the woman at the counter at Vogue giving me a funny look when she asked how far along I was. And I said “four weeks” knowing full well the unspoken words between us are “aren’t you jumping the gun?” but I was confident that it would not happen again. after all it rarely does.

The tree died, the one they planted the day I miscarried the first time. they took it out last week, none of us even noticed. they replaced it with another tree. Will this one die in February?

i think of the reality. Reality is even if it works in November or December, and sticks, that means September of next year. That’s a long time. If it fails, then we’re behind another 3 or 4 months, I’ll be 37 then.

more things

21) when I get up in the morning I wear whatever color the Weather Channel chicks are wearing (most days)
22) I wanted to be a meterologist when i was young
23) I wanted to be an astronaut, and when i discovered my handwriting pointed to ‘artist’ I tried to change it, thinking I could change my personality
24) if given a chance, i’d go up into space in a minute
25) I loved florida, and lived there for six years
26) I hated the traffic and the new york attitude
27) one of my best friends is the most un-new york, new-yorker I’ve ever met
28) My favorite smell is of warm, salt water air
29) my favorite color is aqua. Jcrew calls it ‘pool’
30) One of my favorite places in the whole world is a secluded beach on Great Guana Cay in the Bahamas’ Abaco chain

More things

11) I have been pregnant twice
12) I’ve yet to have a baby
13) My husband and I have been together since November of 1988, that’s almost half of my life.
14) I’m afraid of heights
15) I don’t like swimming pools as much as oceans or lakes. The drains scare me.
16) I own a collection of Madame Alexander dolls
17) My birth mother died when I was 3. I lived with my grandmother til I was 5, almost 6.
18) I’m very spiritual
19) I believe the things others had pass a part of their spirit on to us, so that’s why I own a lot of vintage clothes and jewelry
20) I used to write short stories

inspired by sue

Sue put in top 100 things about her. I don’t have room for 100, but here it goes.
1) I love to sew, and be creative with my hands – knitting, batik, sewing, woodworking
2) My favorite flower is the hibiscus
3) My first ‘catalog’ was the anni collection, drawn when I was 12
4) I’ve loved fashion since 7th grade French class when i had to buy a fashion magazine in French
5) my favorite designer is Georgio Armani
6) I was a geek in school, but I knew I’d be ‘hip’ when I got older
7) I love butterflies, dragonflies and picking up pennies for luck
when i got pregnant the first time in 2004, I had a dream the night of conception, that I was picking up curved pennies on Durand and Albert streets, they had the letter P written on them. When I woke, the first thought I had was “pregnant pennies”.
9) I have been a dancer my whole life
10) one of my favorite books is “a very young dancer” a picture/day in the life book I had when I was a girl.

where am i

mood ? uncertain

I have zero clue where I’m going. In anything. I’m stagnant, my work is consuming but I’m rarely inspired by it. My hobbies are distant and unfocused. I can’t bike, I can’t sail, I can barely sew, and I knit sporadically. I felt really bad yesterday (owing to the despondent post). I came home, took my zoloft early, had a big plate of pasta (hello serotonin!) and felt better an hour later. funny how that timing really seems to work. But I still really don’t give a f– about anything really. I know this is temporary. I thought about suicide last night (before the zoloft + pasta combo). I don’t know, I don’t feel like I did last month where I knew I wanted to go on, but I don’t feel like January where I knew I did not. I guess that is where I am, not sure if I should be here or not. I know there’s a high coming, the pendulum swings the other way too. I am just not sure what that is.

silent butterflies

mood: >| angry
okay so is it just me? Is sorry a hard word to say? ten seconds! But no, hubby thinks that it’s best if everyone ignores it for the weekend, and my friends (many, not all) think it’s great if no one brings it up I won’t be upset. Hello? Anyone? Anyone at all? I just lost my second and third children last week. Maybe my last children. If my grandmother had died on the 14th I’d have gotten ’sorry’. If my dog had died on the 14th I’d have gotten sorry. But my children are gone and I get….silence.
Maybe that’s what this is, silence. The butterflies have hit my face dozens of times in the past few weeks, the white ones especially. I’ve lived my whole life without being touched by a butterfly and I’ve had at least a dozen in the past few weeks. I dreamed that I was picking up pennies and (not sure about who/what this represents) but the building owner/mafia lord broke my fingers for picking up the pennies. What does that symbolize? Why am I having the dreams they’re smashing zuzu’s paws too. Why am I staying around in that bad situation, still looking for pennnies when I know I should get out. Is this a message? I show up at the fabric store as it’s closing and have to make a rapid fire choice about a major decision. What are these nightmares again?

even shoes don’t make me happy

I can feel the hormones dropping. i do not want to go to the family reunion this weekend. After the usual question (do you have?) will come (will you have?) and how do I answer those? Yes, i have two, they’re dead. Or, no I have none (will you?) well funny enough, you should ask, because guess what I was doing a week ago. And having to take another day off for an event that gives me no social energy return on my expenditure, but sucks the life outta me for an entire weekend, is not my idea of fun. i can stop whining any time because I have to go. And I’d better not be pissy about it, I guess.

I’m not angry much, I’m just merely bewildered at a universe that rewards goodness with badness. You know I thought after my childhood, I’d paid for it all and was destined to an easier road (of my own choosing). And I’ve done so much good. Maybe it’s being selfish that I’m paying for and this is supposed to be my punishment for that. Regret, guilt and even a bit of blame. Blame for the pain, the exhaustion and the realization that I’ve taken this on myself. Joy is fleeting. maybe not even joy. Comfort is fleeting. I can’t concentrate, I have trouble sleeping, and I’m beginning to grab for the weeds on the side of the embankment, hoping to break my fall. As that song goes, it’s not the fall that hurts, it’s when you hit the ground. And I’m definitely falling.

tiny reminders

So the surgery is over, went well. Today I went into the sewing room and sewed my white twill pants. After lunch I went in to think about knitting projects, moved some yarn and found the baby hat yarn. Then it hit me. no baby. no hat. again. That was hard. it was the first time in at least a week I’ve thought of ‘baby’ not just ’surgery’. I’m angry right now. WHY. There has to be a reason, an answer. And this has to be over. But what if it’s not? what if there will be more? I can’t count on there not being more at this point (it’s more likely than not). Part of me still in pain (physical) and the emotional pain is just beginning to trickle back in now. I just want to retreat, not be around anyone. not sure about tomorrow. george wants to go and I should but I don’t know.

the final hours

it’s just like travel, you get to the point of no return, when things you wanted to get done are not going to and you just don’t care. I’m just about ready to leave for the consult/labs/stuff at the doc’s office. then i have my ‘don’t eat after midnight’ and ‘don’t eat tomorrow’ and ‘be there at 6am’. they told me to take a shower, which I found interesting. Maybe they have had smelly surgery patients?? it’ll be needed to wake up at 5am that’s for sure.

and I never got my tax return from McLate and associates, so I should probably just kiss that goodbye and get my files back from them. I’ll have to include 2003’s return I guess. no more headache (well at least not the migraine, it’s the dull stress headache that’s like a headband).