on vacation

mood decent. day 2. yesterday I just wanted to knit and sleep. today I’m knitting as well, and also walking the beach, but I’m still tired. Bought tons of good stuff at the farmer’s market and went to Ben Franklin. fun. Monday, I’m going local to get my hair cut.

had a good cry, can return some shoes now

Mood: hopeful.
I went to Hoping last night. Two new girls – both s/b at about 25-28 weeks. They had photos. It was sad. So it helps to get the tears out and really feel that cathartic release a bit. I don’t feel the need for more shoes now (funny how that works). I did sign up for leathers & suedes class, but sewing is totally justified, and something I need to do.

This weekend, vacation #1. Then the TdRA, which will be a great event for us. work has calmed down to the extent that the rest of it doesn’t NEED to get done today (clients slid off their deadlines). I brought three projects, the knit version of my crossover cami, and the fabric to cut two jackets which I’ll sew on the 2nd half of vacation. Plus my knitting, which I hope to make great progress on two projects at least. In other words, i sound and feel a whole lot better after the big sobfest last night. We tossed around a ball of yarn to make a web, then dropped it on the floor and looked at the mess we were left with in our lives after our babies died.

miserable

I feel like crap today. Tired, no, exhausted. So in the past three days, owing to how bad I feel and not wanting to let myself feel that bad, I’ve bought $300 worth of ’stuff’. No doubt, stuff I do not need. Two pretty pieces of fabric (faux furs), five pairs of shoes, and one handbag. Yeah, me the woman who is out of room for storing shoes bought five. Haven’t worn two, haven’t received 3 yet. Why? because I’m miserable and I refuse to take the time to just have a serious, gut-wrenching sob over it. We argued over the stupid router, and he ended up coming in to use the freaking ethernet cable. I did sail, two races, it was nice, but I was tired, making stupid ‘tired’ mistakes in the boat.

Last night SnB. Best one in years I think. Fun, real, candid, and heartwarming. Sheila and I are still dancing around each other, but that’s OK. Time will heal. Sue posted in her blog about responsibility – to whom? I mean I have a business, so there’s much more there than a job, but I’m working at breakneck speed to get ready for vacation (four days, then the bike ride weekend, which isn’t vacation, but I’ll bring knitting for the evening – thank god we rented the camper). Then five days to work at breakneck speed to take 7 days off (three for the dal mac, camping). The sewing room is still a blasted disaster, and I’m no closer, emotionally, to fixing it than I was six months ago. I can’t let go of ‘nursery’.

mood: somber

today’s a hard day (good in many ways, work is very good). But I cannot help but think about our news yesterday. I really don’t know if we should go on, don’t know how much more I can take (how deep my reserve goes). I do know that taking a few months off to get at least my life back will be helpful for me. For both of us. I keep thinking about what my father said “you’re somebody’s baby too, and we want you to be healthy for a long time”. In otherwords is the risk worth it.

vacation will be great for me, I have sewing projects (which are always good for me), knitting, the beach, farmer’s markets, the dog playing in the water. this weekend, five days off, in 2 weeks, a full 10 days off.

The doctor and the nurse asked what the blue band that said ‘babies’ was (saving babies). I should have another for Gisela’s loss too. boy it hurts to put her name here. Should I? Would I have another daughter, and name her Gisela?

another post

okay so I read Sue’s blog, and not that Sue makes me feel less bad about my situation, but that knowing she’s been thru more than I, and still has to fight off cancer, it’s heartening. She’s worried about losing her hair, I’m worried about losing my ability to have a child (or maybe I already lost it). I was doing OK til today, because miscarriage is not the same as daughter, in the same way that abortion is not the same as baby.

I bought some yummy fake furs at the fabric store, which made me feel happy. For about two minutes. Okay so they will make me feel happy later. The girl at the counter said “did you see that ermine in pink too?” and I said “I’m not really into pink right now”. Yeah, right, the woman who owns pink purses, pink shoes, pink shirts, and hell’s bells, pink PANTS. it cost like I don’t know forty bucks or soe for the white fur. and I also bought a teal blue purse, and silver flats (both el cheapies, payless). Fun. for a minute or two. snuck ‘em in the sewing room while DH was on the phone.

it’s a girl!

or, rather, it was. Trisomy 10.
I was OK til I got to the elevator. A miscarriage….a daughter. ballet shoes and cap sleeve leotards, pink streamers on bikes, brownies, girl scouts, camping with her dad. pigtails, barbie dolls, party dresses and prom dresses. rock star posters on the wall. big phone bills, boys standing at the door. pink halter tops and ponchos with pom poms. a girl. Gisela Ann, you even had a name. We cannot give you this name, so maybe you’ll have a sister, someday, or maybe your name will vanish into thin air. just like you.

better

better. spent the weekend up north. haven’t taken but one zoloft in the past 3 days, so I think I’m going every other day til this one is gone then that’s it. feel like I’m climbing out a bit. I was sad last night leaving the park, after Joie and her owner were there. Steve’s neighbors. i thought about Robbie and how he must miss Steve (and how it must be for Lisa, who found love later in life, and then had it taken away). And how Steve was missing the park and the soft summer evening with the dogs. I mean I know that the afterlife is endless. i thought about my dad’s dream of seeing the fire pit thousands of years later, at the bottom of the Lake Huron ravine. the concept seemed endless, which I suppose it is. I copied 2:5 of the Song of Solomon for Karyn and Ed last night in their card. John did nothing for me, but I read the song of solomon in it’s entirety.