mood :)
Not bad right now. last night in yoga I had mental images during one pose that were of gray sinews, all close up like under a microscope. And shadowy, fleeting glimpses of two children in a field – not their faces, but their bodies, running. The same field we walked through with Juan in the healing visualization some months ago. I’m not sure if it was sinews at all but tissue, but it felt like it was sinews. Probably all the exertion in that pose. Eerie. I know suzanne always talks about the emotional aspects (and I struggled physically and emotionally), but that one was positive for a change.
My back hurts all over, but in a good way. the yoga was good for me.
I’m trying to visualize a positive outcome – Gisela and Christian as living, breathing children, imagining them swelling my belly, huge, with stretch marks (hey I figure I cut myself twice, why not the ultimate reminder of pregnancy – stretch marks). Taking them in for their visit to the doctor, a real, live experience, not just ‘live birth’ stat on a CDC web page. We know this is important, and job or not we’re doing it. I hope they’re born on George’s 40th birthday. Which means conceived in December and full term.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)yesterday
yesterday I realized we should have moved to Raleigh in 1999. I’m no further ahead financially than I was then (by some standards, less). Yes, I have a larger business, a building, but I’d have had those things in raleigh too. But here’s why: it would be vastly easier to weather this current recession there. and further, Lansing’s such a f-ed up town with the dependence on the auto industry that it’s crazy. I see no good news here, and wonder if I made a big mistake. And maybe if I’d have moved there, with george’s job, that I’d have taken some time off, maybe the baby thing would have worked itself out easier, me under a lot less stress. I hate to second guess myself, but I have had this nagging feeling for a long time. Granted you can’t undo what you did – we’re here. I formed Tria, I signed and spent and committed. I’m here, can’t go back now. Now what??
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)mood: >: mad and bitter
I only write when I’m angry. not totally true of course. Today’s both angry and sad. Last night I watched the docudrama about flight 93 and at a couple of moments, I almost burst out sobbing (I was crying anyway) saying “i cannot watch this” but I held it in. Today George’s job looks like it’s only for next 30 days and I realized that ‘pop’ of a thread breaking – it felt physical. I know what comes next (or doesn’t). I had been thinking about this for days now, what is the ‘end moment’ and where do I draw the line. I’m not sure the line hasn’t been drawn for us now. Sales are down 23%. Who’s fucking fault is that anyway. MINE. It’s about the percentage of distraction I’ve had over the past year. Distraction! i call it a distraction. I’m cancelling the rest of my doc appts (except the genetics, because I love to self-flagellate on this stuff). I feel angry, betrayed, I cannot even stomach friends with children let alone friends with babies. I’m beginning to slip again, that bitter, hateful part is clawing out and I can’t do anything about it. A friend sent pics of her beautiful kid today and I just wanted to scream. Everything I want and nothing I’ll ever have and it’s not my fucking fault. I don’t want to see your beautiful kid, your one-month-trying-for-pregnancy result, go away and leave me to my misery. I hate this bitter and angry person that comes out. But she won’t stay in today.
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