aargh!
mood: >| mad as hell. okay so i get preggo unexpectedly. but then I miscarry at 18dpo, WTF?
Hell, it’s getting shorter and shorter – 6w1d, 5w5d, 4w2d, what, I’m down to not even ovulating next one? I’m just mad with ths one, it seems like god’s saying “ha ha, tried again”. I remind myself he may very well be answering a prayer – a healthy baby only. there are times when I believe the former and times when I believe the latter. I said a whole rosary friday, sobbing, on my knees (yes even the sore one, bring it on, i’m good for the pain), knowing all the while it was over already. and then saturday, there it was.
so we’re up to only IVF and PGD that’s it. I don’t know what to think. buy lower cut pants so it’s easier to inject myself subQ four times a day? thank god for belly fat I guess. my legs are too muscular to inject there. I mean if it’ll work, I swear as i sit here I will trade a baby for breast cancer. ah bargaining with the devil are we? nice to know that’s what it’s up to. I hate, hate, hate the latest friend who says she’s 14 weeks as of friday. well not hate, bitter, jealous, angry. it’s not her fault god gave her an easier life than mine. there’s a part of me that wants a third scar on my arm. for the latest one. I should do something positive like a tattoo, but I want to do something violent to match my emotions.