alone again

I knew it. My last confidante in the world of multiple loss is gone. I’m so happy for her, granted, but it leaves me here alone. And I’m just not seeing anyone else like me – many losses (even the other girls all have other children) no kids. Stress sucks. But we ALL make it for ourselves – jobs, hobbies, whatever. The shit that comes at ya from outside your sphere and rocks your entire world – NO ONE I know can understand that. Yes, we all have stress, but I have on top of all the stress we all make, this extra stuff that threatens to tip over this tiny boat I’m on. I didn’t create it. Yes I know I waited to have kids, but I have had this genetic defect since birth, and George and I never got pregnant despite months of very casual unprotected sex. We both knew it then too, we even talked about it, but we just chalked it up to ‘luck’. So it’s not like I CREATED infertility or recurrent miscarriage. Or even the ensuing depression.

oh yeah

auntie arrived, with a vengance, the wicked bitch, brought all her tools, backache, cramps and the worst mood I’ve had in a year.

where the hell am I?

and where did I go wrong? the thing that plagues me right now is the thought that if life is not random and fate is predetermined then what am I doing here and why? And if indeed, as I believe, I control the path by the choices I make, how the hell have i fucked up so badly?? If they’re genuinely MY choices, and not fate, preordained path, then I have the power to change things. yet my life is perpetually on hold, I’m paralyzed in so many areas of my life. I don’t feel hope, the doc can’t give me any, and all I feel is if I give up I’ve let myself (and Geo) down, and if I don’t give up I might as well get used to anger, grief and frustration (not to mention a much lighter bank account). we could, conceivably, drain our bank account in less than a year. That’s a couple hundred grand. To buy myself more miscarriages, fun! I tried retail therapy, it worked for like five minutes, until I had to buy the baby gift and nearly threw up in the baby section. I grabbed gift card and ran for accessories. I’ve sucked down 400 calories of hershey kisses today. And the thing of it all is I feel very much alone in this process. My last solace, Michelle, comrade at arms, had her baby, and though it was delightful to see the look of peace on her face, she looks like all my other friends now, suffused with joy in their children, the silent words behind saying “yes, but I have children of my own now”.

paging psychotherapist Sewzine

So I went in the other room, after being totally depressed, and picked out an outfit. New (to me) Kate Hepburn inspired menswear pants (taupe pinstripe), sienna crossover cami (sewzine), brown windowpane plaid jacket, pink scarf with ribbon weaving (I knitted), beaded necklace (pink, my own design). Chic! And I love that Sewzine top – sexy yet covered up enough for work because it fits ME. Smashing. I feel 1000% better all because of that top (well the whole outfit, but that top). I should make more. very soon. I’m so inspired I think I’ll go crochet!

paging Dr. Google.

so Dr. google didn’t yield any clues except a gaggle of women on a health board bemoaning how their homocysteine levels are low, and they STILL m/c’d with homo-MTHFR mutations. hmmm. but Dr. MD seems to think they cannot offer me anything and ’since you didn’t want to go to Chicago’. uhm, no, I didn’t say I would NOT go, but honestly it’s not my first choice. it’s FOUR HOURS AWAY. duh. so I’m on these vitamins (forever). fine. May be pregnant, but my temps cratered, I’m in a crabby mood and I’m spotting for the second time this cycle. Again, may be pregnant (what are my temps doing?). Of course, some stupid site has to offer hope (! could be an estrogen surge, hold on one more day!) Oh sure,yippee. I’m down to two POAS sticks. My uterus is enlarged (f*ing uterus is even in on the sham). Hello areolas too, but you know that temp drop of more than one whole degree, just shot the whole damn scenario. So now I wait. I have a normal LP right now, two more days, abnormal LP. I’m weepy, cranky, craving water and salt and gee, doesn’t that sound like Auntie’s coming? Which makes me very angry, yes I probably do not need to be pg right now, but to give me HOPE and then nothing? What makes one BD 4 day before work and another 3 day before not? Do the sperm at 4 days say “hey, look, man,if we just hang out another day….” whereas the sperm at 3 days are just like “f- this dude, I’m leaving” Maybe it’s the procrastinating sperm that are the trick…it’s definitely more his style anyway.

deeply happy a prayer has been answered

I’ve prayed that Michelle would give birth to a live baby, and, Saturday, she did. 4 lbs 10oz, Meghan Grace, who looks mostly, right now, small and red. I’m so happy for them, it’s unbelievable. They both looked like they exhaled for the first time in months, but certainly in years too. And poor little Meghan will never get a good night’s sleep with her mother poking her every ten minutes to see if she’s alive
As for me, Auntie is absent, but my temps plummeted today, and the doc said my homocysteine levels were low and they don’t know, what, if anything they can offer me as to hope at this point. They just didn’t see anything indicative of a problem. They said “you need to establish how much is enough” and to think about going to Chicago if we have another loss. I have tested negative twice in the past week.

What I want is hope. What I have is uncertainty. What I need is peace.

pretty good

So they found it. MTHFR homozygous mutation. Thanks mom AND dad. but the best news is, this is highly correlational to early onset breast cancer. Turns out, with massive amounts of folic acid, baby aspirin, b6 and b12 I may be able to actually prevent (hopefully) or at least reverse or slow (probably) the onset.
AND also serious preg complications – not to mention recurrent miscarriage. In some ways I have to thank the babies for solving a lot of things that weigh heavily on my mind every day for my whole life.
I’m in a chipper mood despite what I’m sure is a hairline fractured leg (slammed into corner of wall on Wednesday with wet snowy inappropriate footwear). I finished a web presentation for a project we’d be SO good at and have a decent shot of getting and despite working on a Sunday, I’m in fine spirits about doing so. I made a very fun vintage hankie camisole.
But i am scared. I believe I’m pregnant again, and they didn’t diagnose this (and get me on the vitamins) til about four days after ovulation. My temps are up, my bbs have hurt from day 1, I had a sneaky suspicion the night we BD (no, let’s rephrase that, I knew what I was doing and knew what was going to happen, but it felt right to do it). I don’t know if the vitamin regimin will help this time. Can’t imagine a fourth, but might have to.

wine ;

or maybe whine. actually I’ve been relatively good. when i dwell on the uncertainty of the future it drives me batty and I get depressed. When I live for today (leather pants! red suede wedges!) I’m better. Dr.Acu checked in today. Nice of her to do that, she tracked me down and wanted to know how I was. I’ll be back for Acupuncture in a week. I needed a break, but I think my body needs the acu. Also not sure what m/c is doing, b/c I’m having what I’m pretty sure is an annovulatory cycle. Got my hair cut. Hate how my stylist gets the bad & ugly parts of my discussion. I had no intention of divulging the latest loss til Dr. Acu caught me with my hair wet and in mid-cut. I must figure out how to make the new cell phone show me the numbers. I was focused a lot on the handbag biz in the past few days. Solace amidst uncertainty.

It’s not my place to worry right now. It will not be my situation to solve. Dr. MD needs to figure it out and Dr. Acu can probably help.

100 things

I only got to 30 before so here it goes:
31. I started sailing when I was 10
32. I’ve been racing since I was 14
33. I started sewing when I was 10
34. 10 was a very good age. That would have been 1979
35. I had a dream that my teddy bear came alive and got mad at me because I did not dust him often enough.
36. my age now
37. I used to bite my nails, until I was in high school.
38. I didn’t really come into my own until junior year, when I won the 1st place for the business plan
39. by the time I was a senior, I’d written two business plans that won awards in competition and knew what my path in life would be
40. I still consult the Life List from time to time
41. I met my husband nineteen years ago, and 18 years ago this month (november) we started dating.

feeling alone

well its been a week now. I feel pretty much alone right now. No one mentions it (not even me). I’m still in sort of disbelief yet – maybe it didn’t happen? my uterus is still hanging around. I know that takes a while to contract. My cousin and I have started up an e-mail conversation after almost 15 years of barely connecting at all except for Christmas cards. Her daughter is about 10 now, and her son probably 8 or so. Hard to believe. And along with that it’s hard for ME to believe that we’ve been at this silly game for over two years now. Seems forever, and yet no time at all. G mentioned the other day about San Fran and MacWorld and we both agreed that it was a billion lifetimes ago we lived there and did those things. There’s a part of me that is so glad we did – we really savored life and lived it 110% then. And in part there are very many aspects of it that I’d go back to. In fact the thing I’ve thought of most is leaving this place, leaving this life and going somewhere else. Of course the grass is always greener over there. and I know all too well the lure of paradise, but maybe there’s somewhere with a better economy, a chance for me to relax and maybe not work so hard, get preggo, keep a baby for once, and live a quieter life. I don’t know, usually I love it here, but right now there doesn’t seem to be as much good in my world.