horrorscope

You are coming to a critical point in your emotional cycle when your heart is feeling heavy. You may be feeling pinned down by a huge weight, and slowly sucked into the quicksand beneath you. Grab a branch and pull yourself out. Rise above the current situation with the help of a lofty perspective.

Okaaaay. so sucked even more into quicksand or is this just late? Cuz it feels like I’ve already been IN quicksand for some time. And pinned down? oh sure. heart feeling heavy? well since I’ll find out the bad/good/whatever news on or about Gisela’s due date that should be right on target. I should just STOP belaboring this, i think.

Thank god Deepika came thru on the 20 top patterns for 2005 issue, because there’s nothing like sewing (fashion) to distract me. Oh look, shiny new things over here! Forget all about the dull, icky, painful, suffocating things over there. And not having a single friend to help out really makes me sad. I feel like I’m standing on the tundra with that funky circular camera, where the world moves, but I don’t. the wind is blowing, there is no life and I’m standing there, freezing. alone. stuck. I hate stuck. I’ve been stuck for three years.

resentment

A friend asked me if my shopping were a source of resentment between DH and I. I think we’ve both felt resentment, anger, and bitterness in this process. Some of it we articulate (loudly), others quietly, at the end of a long month, sadly, wishing we’d never foisted this upon the other. But yes, we do feel resentment. I’m sure he feels anger that I am being shallow and shortsighted, spending like there’s no tomorrow. I feel justified in a sick sort of way.I am occasionally shocked that we are still together – even that we still love each other as much as we do, really, so resentment, yeah, definitely a feeling we both have felt. I don’t know what he thinks, and sometimes I don’t really care. I feel triumphant – just you try to stop me, and then guilty. How does this help me? I hate feeling like I do. When we were both trying very hard to produce the specimin for the SDIa, I wanted to just scream out loud, this is so fucking ridiculous. And then sad. That it comes down to this. Angry at him, angry at myself. both of us feeling betrayed. Horns honking on the traffic below, sirens from the hospital, the nurse fifty feet away (or less). We are not the only couple to go through this, that room exists for a reason, the magazines current issues, the cups stacked six deep in the cabinet. But that it comes down to this. doctors, nurses, surgery, anesthesia. for what? I never wanted it like this. I’ll never get the birth center, I know this. and even if I pass this hurdle, as M says, we both know I might not get what I want in the end.

distractions

I removed the blog and posted a journal page instead. Needs editing. Annies formals is definitely not dead, and if I have anything to say about the next three weeks, most definitely alive. This weekend? sketch the patterns. next week? draft ‘em. This is one of those things from Column B that needs to come to column A. Something that infuses the rest of my life with purpose and hope. I have so much to be happy for (yes, yes, I know, I hate this too, but just listen) George, Zuzu, my family, friends, my work which is going great, my sewing, new classes, annie’s formals. Yes, there’s a BIG THING out there that is not good, and will cause me great pain and frustration in the coming months, but as long as it remains in Chicago I’m able to cleave off that part of my personality for a little while. just dive around it for now.

aaargh

damn freaking left fielders.

i hate left fielders.

oh it could have (still may be) something simple like donor sperm or donor egg, but NO, have to compound it with a uterine adhesion! at least it makes me wish it were heparin injections daily. this is my lemon, my life, i have to live it or quit, and might as well not bitch about it (to anyone else). have some candy little girl, you’ll forget all about that broken dream.

paging dr. google

a uterine adhesion is scar tissue, and in many cases it can cause scanty periods and causes and is caused by recurrent miscarriage. it can sometimes be corrected surgically with the insertion of a balloon for up to 10 days following. But in many moderate cases it cannot fully heal and a woman can’t carry her own child. But mine is ‘good sized’ (too bad she didn’t use more clinical terms like mild or moderate. I’ll take it as moderate. and hope for the best. I’m not entirely sure it’s a D&C either, though I think there will be D and probably C, I would not be surprised if there’s some laproscopy involved too. i downloaded too many journal articles to read right now.

Let’s define…

mild discomfort. First off, while it’s pretty dang easy to insert a 16inch catheter when you’re ovulating, the same cannot be said for nonovulatory cervixes. And then, ah yes, ‘you’ll feel some cramping when I inject the saline’ ‘you can watch on the monitor’. Yippee, never mind I’m having to concentrate on breathing thru the pain. But all in all, it was not as bad as, say, the D&C, but that’s ok, because that is NEXT week. I looked at the labels on the drawers as I waited. Standard stuff. 20cc syringes, 16 inch cath, 18 inch cath, 22 inch cath, tentaculum, dilators, curettes. Tentaculum? Dilators! Curettes! Yes, indeed, it’ll be an in-office (complete with visiting anesthesiologist) D&C. I have a uterine adhesion. What is that you ask? Dunno, but it covers 1/4 of my uterus, the whole top and uhm, let’s see, is that a side? top and front would be about it, though the ultrasound makes it deceptively sideways. As Jem handed me the pad and the towels and I got up I didn’t realize how much blood there would be, and I looked down to see blood on the floor, on my legs and thought, oh crap. dressy pants. Anyway, I cleaned it up and decided that I am making lemonade. This is what I’m given, I can do with it what I please. they’re great there, efficient, pleasant, as unpainful as it can be, and lo and behold NO STIRRUPS. Yes, they’re now ‘knee supports’. The color doppler was interesting, there was definitely some activity going on there. normal activity thank god. I stopped at Jcrew and bought two pants, two sweaters, two hats, in candy colors. Have a sucker, little girl, you’ll forget ALL about the pain.

loading up the iPod

getting ready to roll. sounds like a song.
loading up the iPod
getting ready to roll
my heart’s not in it anymore
but i guess I’ll go

I’m all about the lyrics lately. first, the issues, issues, i’ve got subscriptions song and now the infertility blues (actually that IS a song, from the new musical – no I am not kidding.)

Packed, did a trusty gray cashmere tneck with gray cashmere trousers, black sides with stitched cutouts. turquoise and blue scarf belt (matches handbag.) I really don’t want to go, to start any of this anymore. i merely want answers and closure. mostly closure.

Zuzu

haven’t been online in days and days. Zuzu got hit by a car a week ago. Got out at the office while I was at a meeting (now, how did no one see a 55 lb dog slide out the door?), and took her to MSU. I was really fine until they asked me to sign the papers that said they could take her limb if they needed to and that she might die in surgery. Then, I just panicked, held it together til I got in the car and at home and sobbed. My baby! I made all sorts of promises with God on this one – no babies, i won’t ask for babies, just save my dog. So in some ways I’m just like ‘whatever’ when it comes to the RPL stuff this weekend. Yeah I’m going. I need to answer this question lest I be haunted by it 10 years from now. But my baby, my Zuzu, she’ll hopefully be fine. Mom is here, thank god. taking care of Zu, cleaning my kitchen, organizing my drawers, cleaning my cabinets, making soup. have pedi with M today. She was AWOL offline and felt bad, she knows it’s different, but she wants me to call her. She said that Zu’s accident would pull up a bunch of grief for me, I hadn’t thought of that, but that’s exactly it. I’m not sliding back that far, but I’m not exactly merry sunshine either. Painted my office, working on art. It helps. Need to sew purses, scarves and cut-out unfinished projects. My solace. My baby is fine. When they sent her home with instructions to leash walk I thought they were insane – none of her legs worked. But now, she’s pretty damn mobile, the little bugger. And demanding.

spring!

tomorrow, sunny and 50 degrees! that calls for the spring coat, peep toe heels and a long walk with the dog (maybe not in the peep toe heels though). thank god, I hope the nice weather continues thru feb so we can get back & forth to chicago with minimal fuss. Last night went well despite pregnant friend. It didn’t bother me, in that detached sort of way, about her nursery. A boy, sailing stuff everywhere. It should have, but I was very emotionally not engaged that way. thank god. The creativity and scarves/wraps classes have started up for second semester. the pants class starts in a week. Both of these things should keep my mind off the panic of the testing and the results. I might even have to bring sewing machine with me to chicago if I stay for extensive period of time (four days so far, maybe five, though i think I’ll do two round trips if it’s five or more). Today, even the realization that the worst case scenario is pretty bad, I’m doing OK. I have on the Village Clothier wrap – the salmon and sage pashmina-feeling wrap. Very cozy. I’m wearing it scarf-like over my ‘picadilly’ tee shirt, tan pinstripe pants and my ultra fave, wear once a week denim blazer. I loved buying this wrap, a day of hair, shopping with mom at the boutiques (if you can call them that) in Oscoda, it was really a treat. I love walking out of stores with shopping bags – and not the plastic kind either. The journaling helps a great deal, especially being able to do it everywhere. I was able to sleep last night, all night, so I think that’s why I feel so good today. No nightmares either.

sooo much better at work

I should just stay at work. I’m fine. Energized after networking breakfast, renewed my Annies Formals domain (hello, do something here!) work is going along swimmingly. But my nights are haunted by nightmares – when I sleep at all. The waking nights are consumed by worry. Even the dog picked up on it and came for a top-of-bed cuddle (unusual) in the middle of the night. I’m home for lunch, a peaceful, if chilly, respite from the day.