Monday

R sent gorgeous photos of her kayaking trip. Paradise! Oh I do miss it down there, especially this time of year. I liked spring and fall too. Friend J. IS having parent overload issues – no wonder she lashed out last week. I take it with what it was, and that is making me feel comfortable, less guilty. As R. said, we all color our comments with our own particular rose colored glasses. And if they’re mud colored about an issue, well that’s what you’d get. I feel bad for poking the parent overload bear with J, because from her latest email she just sounds weary of it. OTOH, I had an enjoyable weekend. Spent saturday with L and baby, which was actually very nice. Baby slept on my lap (so did the cat) for 3 hours 45 minutes, with 15 to nurse. Spent sunday morning and late PM tweaking pants patterns, and midday talking to R and a few hours at L’s house. I’m feeling like I’m moving very fast in the recovery, but still have major issues left to go. Panic attacks yesterday need to be diffused. Not sleeping early mornings needs to be diffused. G. goes away for three days (we prolly could have caught this cycle, but with all the stress, it’s better we wait). I’m pretty sure O occured early this AM. I’m thinking of R’s trip and her photos, really spectacular. Kayak to remote tiny islands, camp, eat. kayak again. If I can get over panic attacks, things will be great. I feel that I’m better able to handle things now than I’ve ever been before. That’s the real sign that you can pick up and sludge through the tough stuff.

80%

I keep reading that to remind myself that IVIg will be successful. My rate is only 70% (due to the DOR problem). but still, if we get a good egg, we have such a good chance for success – 80%. So I still waffle on the bathing suit dilemma. Ah who cares, I have lots of fun suits, I even have a one piece that I like. Save my money for a maternity suit. You know I looked at these, and I think that I could make a swim top. A halter top with extra fabric in front would work fine, shelf bra inside (maybe the cowl halter?). Make some bottoms from the pattern draft I’ll have to use for panties anyway. Or use my regular bottoms if they fit. Seriously, I need one suit. See THIS is positive. It’ll be a success. eventually we have a great doctor, a real understanding of the problem, a solution or two. Still the thought of another pregnancy fills me with terror. I have only known grief. Will I know it again? Or will I have joy. It still makes me angry that friends have no idea what I’m going through – that the decision to try again is incredible. It’s like asking to face the grief and loss all over again. But there’s that renewed hope each time. I’ll be panicked when I get the pregnancy test (even just reading about it has left my heart pounding and my breathing shallow), so I’m going to clearly have to learn to calm that down right away. I’m not pregnant, no chance of it this cycle, and I’m already panicked. In many ways I think I need to mix up my friends with those with loss. Because this pregnancy won’t be like any of my friends (save M, who knows more loss and grief than I by far). Yes, they worried – everyone worries – but it’s worry that in that vague sort of way “it could be me”. For me, it’s not worry that it might be me, it’s worry that it HAS BEEN me, and will BE me again. I mean, if you’ve only known loss, what makes you believe that THIS time will be any different. I’m set to stopping drinking at this O so I can prepare for the next O. It’ll be tough. But if I’m to do this right, I’m to do this right. I think at the first u/s where we do hear a heartbeat, I will cry – never cried (at least not with doctors or nurses present) at the losses. I was detatched, numb, disbelief. But if I hear it? thump-thump-thump, 140bpm, and see the flashing lights, will it be real?

sun day

is it spring yet? nope, G. is ice boating today. No snow, and Zu’s not up for skiing anyway, yet. Zu just went outside to sniff. Licked her nose and put it up in the air to pick up good smells. I loaded up my cargo of vitamins this morning. It takes me three minutes to load a weeks worth. And that’s not even the chinese herbs! Crazy. last night had to spackle the blemishes with the sulfur and clay mask. It seemed to help, the open ones are less inflamed. The cyst ones haven’t moved a bit. THAT is definitely changed since November. I’m pleased with my day yesterday. I started the Laura (and Debbie variations), wrote instructions for the big basic tote (the first project). Lots more work to do, but it’s doable. a piece of wax fell off a batik I forgot i had on top of my desk (it is time to clean the desk). batik. aah yes. not today, today we had other artist plans, but soon. before spring. I think the paper batiks don’t require the same chemical bath as the others, so it may be safe for me. I think it’s just dye and wax. So that’s my art piece this year. The mindset change has really helped me a lot. The trick is getting thru the middle of this month intact. not just intact, either, but thriving, ready to start the next phase. The rule of thumb is if you’re ready to start another phase of IF treatments, then you’re not yet ready to resolve.

it’s the darn swimsuit

debate again. the espadrilles, fine. they’ll be great. But if I buy this bikini, or I don’t, it makes me nuts trying to decide. will I be 3 months pregnant (to 6 months?) Will I have been pregnant and lost another? will I regret this purchase? Let’s think about this for a second, trip to Long Beach in early april. Espadrilles, fine. average hi 73 degrees, not beach weather, but there is a pool. aargh, i should not spend the money. wear the suit I have. but the shoes? and do I need those? no. but I put these in my cart two weeks ago too. and the jewelry party coming up, you know I won’t resist. my hair, which does need doing.

happy bookmarks

My bookmarks got trashed when I upgraded. So I reviewed my bookmark list, and pretty much it’s all happy sites. Sewing, fashion, my doctor’s site, shoe sites. handbag sites, just stuff that makes me happy. I did something today I’d consider an artist date…I went ice skating! Yes, on the lake too! I did not go far out at all but I enjoyed skating in circles (I might actually go AGAIN tomorrow). I also stopped at the bead store and got some really nice beads – enough for a whole necklace, a few special beads for centers of necklaces yet to make. Including a carved jade ball that is mmmm, delicious. I would also like to make a bracelet or two. I also edited the annie’s biz cards (have to buy some ribbon for the handles now), and find paper I like this week some time at lunch. hmm, envelopemall.com….well they had cool stuff, but not quite what I’m looking for. I’ll have to head over to Xpedex or call CMP and see what they can get for me. Something in pink or peach, pale green even? I opted not to go to holland, I’m actually kind of tired. Later tonight, I need to draft at least two patterns (or review my drafts and draft two more), start creating instructions and graphics for them. That I think is doable tonight. Tomorrow, sew a tote. A simple tote, the princess tote. I also want to sew a handle on the pale blue tote I sewed earlier this year, a fabric handle, with fabric ties, so I’m done with it. I can save the handles for an ethnic print bag of a later design. happy bookmarks, happy life, right? I’m definitely in a better place than even a month ago.

pearl paper

so I woke early and started thinking about ’scenarios’ that I like to do. I was able to counter the negative with positive and fell asleep. that’s quite good news. today, laura’s house, the bead store, perhaps my aunt’s party (it’s a long drive, and at night…) and definitely some pattern drafting and sewing on the agenda.

I’m going to have to manage my skin better, perhaps back to the proactiv. It’s just gotten a lot worse, and I’m not sure if it’s the switch, or things just are more crazy after the 3rd m/c which is when it all started. It could be my hormones are back to where they were before all of this and that’s why I got pg so easily AND why my face is bad. it’s a thought… I’m not much in the mood to write this morning at all, not sure why. tired I guess.

I’ll need to transfer this later

client email. I did mention this was an issue with the site, frustrated. but my reply and phone message was very positive “let’s brainstorm”. Then, that boils over into or maybe from visit with friend with kid last night. so now I feel like I’m a general failure. Then, that spills over into friend who turns 33, and I am thinking whoa that’s old, she might not be able to have her 3rd kid at 38 as she plans, but then she never had trouble, so why should she now. That spills over into, whaah, why can’t that be me? and then that all tumbles down into bad self esteem. I think this is catastrophizing or overgeneralization. okay so the client response is “I know you’re concerned about budget. We’ll do whatever we can, come up with the best idea within the budget and time – we can always make a change later to a more effective solution”. Okay that’s good. Next, visit with friend with kid, I’m sure I was bothered by it, I snapped at George all night and the stress has climbed in to my neck. I’m breathing deeply and saying “it’ll be my turn”. And, friend at 33, I’m not her, and my life is already different. Comparing my situation to hers isn’t positive. I’ve taken the steps, that, for me, at 36 are the right ones. I’m seeing the best doc in the world. She has options for us which have a good chance at working. In a half hour I have to pitch a new prospect. I’m dressed nicely, I feel good about myself, and the day. I know we can help him. We have helped so many clients, and he knows Pat and Ray, so that’s a good reference for us.

this morning I woke up

dreaming of flowers. Actually my early AM dream before that was about Rochester, of all places. We were there (Tria, and others) looking for a place to have lunch, and went around to a few before we got settled in. It was odd, the dream. But I woke thinking of painted daisies. I went to bed looking at seed catalogs, and Terry bicycling (which has almost as many flowers). I planted daisies at home last year, D and G’s gift for miscarriage #2 (let’s see, I got zip for m/c 1 = a few cards) m/c 2 came with gifts and m/c 3 came with nothing. That must be like the paper anniversary. So maybe what I should do is order the daisies, plant them out in the side yard (and by the shed) at work, so we have cut flowers for the office. Cut flowers all summer long. Aah summer. Let’s see, this year, the lime green tank with the lime green shoes (can’t wait til it’s time to wear those again). White pants. Maybe a dark colored (navy?) cotton blazer? oh, no the Nicole Miller ruffled denim, yes that’s the one. Chicos sent me a catalog and I was almost offended, I’m not THAT old. L and went walking last night at the mall and Limited had the only unusual looks I saw – a zigzag print halter top and crisp wrap shirts with grosgrain ribbon belts. That’s different. Maybe next week when we walk I’ll stop in. I held her son (my godson) L. He was fussy when we pulled him out of the stroller, but fell asleep, one little hand clutching my breast (baby-approved, clearly) right away. I was not upset, in fact, just the opposite. I felt pretty happy to hold him. L. wants me to come over this weekend for a while. Sunday, I think. I have to prepare some fruit for the luau today, and figure out what to wear that’s both fun and suitable for an out of office meeting. Hmm, I’m thinking the purple and green fish print scarf, but what sweater…it’s not a warm day, perhaps my denim skirt with tights, and boots. Still denim (friday) but dressy (meeting).

frustrating

G. said I had two client checks, but we don’t know where they are or where they’ve gone to. I don’t even remember getting them (weekend of Dr. C’s first appt). But on the flipside, the site we’ve been working on is looking sharp. A few more things, a photo or two, it will be done. today I am not sure if I have any out of office meetings, but I should dress nicely anyway. Ya never know! interns are helping out a lot, getting these small things done that need doing so I can cross things off my list. Especially as we look at new prospects to woo, and handle.

So what to wear today? jacket, sweater. maybe purple, with vintage necklace, plus brown CJ jacket, and maybe pinstripe pants? or camel wool herringbone. this is why this is a journal, not a blog. who flippin’ cares what I’m wearing, ‘cept me. I’m very confident of the day today. (see it’s working, but this is gonna be a happy blog if we’re not careful…) I even splurged after getting new contacts, on new makeup brushes, cuz you’ll be able to see my makeup for the first time in 2 ys. I like my glasses, they make me serious and European, but I’m welcoming the change. Now, just have to deal with hair before end of march. and think about looser tunics and tops for spring. see, that’s positive! So no matter what, a pregnancy or too many pints, i’ll feel confident!

thinking positive

t hinking about whether to buy the swimsuit. you know how i waffle. if I wait, it’ll be gone, if I buy, I’ll be dissapointed, if I don’t I’ll get pg, if I do I’ll get pg, if I do or don’t I’ll lose the pg. It’s a crazy circus. But tonight I thought of the monitoring (extensive) of this pregnancy, and the pregnancy seemed like a viable possibility. G asked about riding, and I said “I will be pg no matter what, even if it’s another loss, and IVF with a donor egg, I will be pg by fall, so don’t sign me up for the ride”. That’s a positive step for me. My face is being a pill, I thought it was improving, it’s behaving badly. I did get contacts which are really nice, but time to wear the glasses for the night, I think. in short, a long but good day. Work has eased up, for the moment at least, I can focus on marketing. I’m less panicked, more positive. This is a good week.