visit

My mom is visiting tonight, taking my pupster home with her for the week (so we don’t have to kennel her). She brought new photos of nephew (he looks EXACTLY like my brother, and yes, he has the family nose). G says “that’s too bad ” I have a bizarre pain in my head. It feels like a bajillion tiny pinpricks all across one side of my head, sort of random when I move my neck. I think I spent too much time slaving over the computer this week (big website going live – two big sites, one I ignored most of the week, the other I had no choice). I even brought work home. But for some reason I never mind this, because I feel like I’ve caught up. We’re listening to classical (not ballet classical) which is nice, interesting and different. I feel very civilized. My serger is done (Pam, the same pam from J’s blog) called to tell me it’s ready. Good! I need all of my machines back in place to feel like a whole sewist. This weekend, as planned early this week I will sew a bag. And I will also relax, and perhaps check off those work projects. Pack for california. I talked with the nurse today. If I don’t get a + tomorrow or Sun they’re doing an u/s on Monday to measure my follicle (s) and then giving me a hcg trigger and IUI as late as we can on Tues (it’s a 36 hour trigger, we leave weds, and G is at work from 7am on, so that doesn’t help us). Then it’s off for a nice relaxing weekend in the sun in California and a chance for the zygote to split merrily – Is it even a zygote then or is it still a blast?

why i love the web

since sewzine is down (a week now, but they promised a free class), i’ve been on PR a lot. This is bad for sewzine if I start posting on PR! This am, I clicked thru a review to a blog to see some bags, and the blog was in German! I know that we are not alone in the world, and I know so many sewists (the french canadians have better english skills, so do the germans, so we see them more, of course we see brits, aussies and kiwis all the time, few random people from malaysia and thailand). It’s so great to have this community (these communities, rather) full of people just like us around the world. I mean both PR and Sewzine are fashion-based. A lot of younger sewists like me on PR. When J. posted in HER blog that she’d bought a sewing machine I thought, how fab, a fellow hip chick sewist! But she’s really new and my enthusiasm (goody, a new friend who likes sewing) would overwhelm her. So I just casually posted that I’d teach her some skills if she wanted. And sent her the link to craftster. One of HER commentors had links to another blog which I bookmarked, she’s a thrifter and a sewist too. Some day I will need to make this blog public (I suppose I could archive the icky stuff). Today it’s cloudy, and Friday, so jeans, but I have not yet decided what else to wear with them. I haven’t O’d yet, but hope it’s a + today so we can go tomorrow. my abdomen is lopsided, the left side is definitely more swollen than the right. I feel good, happy and excited, all things that tell me O is still on the way.

No O yet

Waiting….Dr. S said fri or sat, so far he’s right on. Yesterday, dentist, perio disease, which is caused by….you guessed it, an immune response, overproduction of cytokines and TNF. Only a different marker, not CD 56+. I would love the ultimate medical research DB, submit your research, a supercomputer crunches numbers and people can log in and it will show you all the cross refs to your condition.

Today’s exercise: Positive inventory. I have a loyal friend in R. One thing I like about my town is that it feels city-like but is small. I think I have a nice collarbone. Writig my morning pages has shown me that I can heal myself, be my own artist friend. I am taking a greater interest in fine art. I believe I’m getting better at creativity and eliminating procrastination. My artist has started to pay more attention to…art! My self care is to take classes that foster my happy joy points – sewing, beading, knitting. I feel more powerful. Possibly my creativity is much expanded.

Treating myself like a precious object will make me strong. I’m supposed to write this down today to remind myself that self care is not selfish, it is necessary. K and I talked about that at dinner. she felt in a blue funk all winter b/c of no creativity and not working out, I felt that way b/c of the doggie and all those doctor visits. She has a new project, I have a bunch. Today, very much spring, open toed shoes, hope.

class

I keep thinking about class last night and how good it felt. From barre to centre, the whole class is meditative, soothing and reflective, remembering what Dr. T. said, the music, the movement, very happy. I’m not sore, I thought I would be, but my body remembered. Quite the opposite, during class I was doing portebras to stretch out my back and hamstrings. Even grande portebras was healing, the backbend was both beautiful and exposing, opening my heart to the sky. I never used to think that about dance, but since I’ve been away, I very much think that. My body felt lighter, taller and more graceful, as I left, in my tall black boots, black and pink coat, hair pulled back. very chic. I don’t even mind the marks on my face, numerous now, red and angry. But it’s smooth and they will fade eventually. I did decide on an outfit, navy charmeuse top over navy slinky wide pants, lime green flats and lime green belt worn as neck scarf. Probably denim jacket, it goes and I haven’t worn it this week yet (it’s crazy how often I wear it). Tonight, dinner with a friend.

I would secretly like to….

“We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.”
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962).

Of course today I went up a tenth of a degree, crossed over the 98 barrier. Worried I might have O’d and the new OPK wasn’t readable enough. But seriously, I *know* those lines were not as dark as the control, but when you’re testing at work and trying to decide in the dim light under my desk…. I shouldn’t leave this to chance. Or discovery. who cares. this may be my last shot. Further, we had insurance babymaking. And we will again tonight. It’s just fine. In a normal world if I did O, we’re covered already. if I did not we will be covered soon. Today, surely, spring. Tomorrow, definitely spring. Today 60, tomorrow 64. I’m debating on the fully open toes today or not (maybe with stockings? I have no nude stockings though, oddly enough). Maybe flats without socks. Or maybe just bright colored flats. Figuring out pants is a challenge – most are either for heels or too thin (summer) or too heavy (wool). I can’t think of anything to say today (I know, I should get the book do an exercise…) Okay here goes, name your dream (this goal signifies emotional true north). I would secretly like to design clothes & handbags (and market them) on the side. In a perfect world, in five years, I’d like to have a dozen or two patterns – with great names and drawings, good marketing, and a great web site to sell them, selling a dozen or more each month. I can, this year, sew six prototypes, and perfect six patterns, design six pattern envelopes. The action that I can take this month is to design a pattern envelope for the first bag. The action I can take this week is to sew the first bag. The action I can take tonight is tape together the prototype, mark, and cut it out. At the same time, I’ll take photos for the directions. How I feel right now? warm and happy.

a spare tire

my god, it’s not just my uterus and ovaries – there is a spare tire around my middle. Nothing like a leotard to make it painfully obvious my lack of conditioning I am not being judgemental – I need this weight right now. My abdomen is hugely disended – I already look about 6w preggo. I never had this much follicular development the last time, so maybe acu helps. The points of pain were in my uterus today, not my ovaries. And my leg, but Dr. T said that was a muscle spasm. Ballet was sooo good, I’m glad I’m back in. I wonder if my real bad stuff started when I stopped dancing consistently. Centre does offer emotional healing. I felt light, joyful, just like the glissade-pas-de-chat we were doing. Friend J. designed an awesome SnB logo for tees. I just, right outta my ass, said “put that on a heathered pink ringer tee in glitter letters” and I’m in. No shit, she found heathered pink ringer tees with glitter print! I was going for retro glam, to match with the logo, and she found exactly that. I felt, for a moment, connected to the group, in a way that I haven’t in a few years. As I sunk deeper I splintered off emtionally, and for some reason the tee shirt drew me back in. my abdomen is so distended that if I start feeling bad I’d have to suspect OHSS. Dr. S is right so far, I’m getting closer but no cigar yet. The line gets darker and darker. I snuck it in my sleeve on the way in the bathroom and on the way out, thought, thank god I bought the covered tip OPK. Don’t wanna be running around with a urine-soaked stick in the office. not with interns around. I laid it horizontal in my purse, in it’s (unmarked) sleeve, waiting for five minutes to be up.

friends

M gives me a lot of hope about the egg – the follicle is almost perfectly round,the 5-9 meds develop one egg usually, 3-7 (last time) develops more than one, as I had. So maybe this time it IS it. It’s remarkable how big and round it was and to know that’s our future child….I actually believe it could happen now. I was there for M believing in her when she did not, that’s her role now, to help me through the most difficult time, when I would quit, but I’m almost there, and I should keep on. My back hurts a ton on the left side, and I’m so glad for that. Grow, baby, grow!

bloated

boy, I can feel the follicular development this cycle I thought again about the drug and one follie -that is supposed to be the result. Even on a low-stim Clomid + gonadotropin you only should get 3. so I’m happy for my one follie – grow, baby, grow! one mm a day works for me! I’m skipping networking to go to the eye doc, call the dentist and get my serger in for service. I can’t do it all, and they’ll not miss me for one day. Next week, california. I can’t recall if I thought I’d need to sew something for it, but I still have this weekend, so I guess I’d better check I was thinking again last night about the diff. between “blog” and journal. Blog is posting about a topic of the day, even if not objectively. This (journal) is about posting every stream of consciousness. Vastly different. What I need right now is the journal, not the blog. I’m not about to convince anyone of anything. My RL friends think I’m insane, my online friends would understand, but there’s so much other material out there on the same subject already. Besides at this point in my healing/treatment, I’m ready to do this, just the two of us. My seedlings are going nuts right now, the basil has sprouted. I still do not know if the miscarriage tree is alive or dead yet (work tree, planted on day I m/c’d first, then replaced on day of 2nd m/c, then replaced again at 3rd m/c, we’ll see if it lives). i didn’t plant this tree, but I have to keep it alive if it is. This morning I imagined the follicle again, baby before it’s even conceived. grow, baby, grow.

follies

sometimes I feel like this whole exercise is a folly. But no, an actual follie (many of them, but one good, round one 14.3mm x 14.5mm.) Dr. S. says that he thinks I’ll O about friday or sat. So far he’s right, I’m not yet near my LH surge. The rest were oval follies, too small. But all I need is one good follie. I can tell our future child, I saw you when you were just a big round clear orb in my ovaries. Not even a glimmer in my eye, way before that even. So we’ll see, Dr. S. and then it’s Dr. C’s job to see that I keep this one. I think she has the harder task. It’s not the gettin’, it’s the stayin’ that is the issue. My ovaries are going bezerk too. I can feel it. I’ll have to ask Dr. T to avoid them tomorrow in acupuncture. Three doctors, twenty nurses, 100 blue gowns (at least we don’t have the paper gowns at this level of treatment). It’s hard to believe but we’re coming up on our first’s first birthday in June. And it’s been six months since I was pregnant last. That last one really hit me. I’ve averaged about 7 months between pregnancies and I always think that the next one will be a much shorter gap – three months or so, but it seems like that the process of going to the next level takes, no matter what the level, about the same amount of time. J has had two children (or she will, I have no clue when she is due but my guess is she was due soon when she emailed me last week) in the same time that I’ve had a year of infertility and three miscarriages. We started trying a month apart from each other, excited to be ‘the first’. I got the short straw, I guess. I’m not bitter, I’m beyond that. I am able to see that this was a survivable exeperience, it has changed me irrevocably, but I hope that I’m better for it.

ultrasound

is today. I hope for good follicles. at least understanding anything about my follies will help. I went on the hunt for basic closed toe high heel dress shoes today. Nada. I simply do not own any! so I ended up changing my outfit (I have one pair, actually, a dark red suede, it’s a limited engagement shoe…) to wear these. But my white shirt, pressed, vintage look jewelry, embroidered jacket, I feel nice (and you know my theory about taking a doc appt in a bad oufit).

My milestone sheet for therapist is on my desk. this week (today, tomorrow) and then nothing til about the 12th. I felt really great for getting as much done as I did over the weekend. productivity on things I enjoy is really healing. I think of all the times we’ve been thrown for a loop emotionally – infertility, two grandmothers, george’s unemployment (for 2 ys), then three miscarriages and the dog being hit by a car. I didn’t really realize that Jan/Feb was as hard as it was because of that. It’s easy to slip down into a mild case of depression and not even recognize it. i think I would, but I do not. I’m not sure she’ll ever be able to run again. It makes me angry in some ways that was taken from her, but makes me so glad she is here, with four legs. We find out thursday what her long term recovery prognosis is. I have to leave shortly for my ultrasound at 9. I’m nervous in a good way. ferning. follicles, iui. the start of something.