RTC fun day

Walked the race for the cure with the three M’s. Little M. is getting huge! Adorable, she has her mother’s smile and her father’s eyes. Both said it was worth it, worth the wait. M joked, “you need a little ditty like “we must, we must, we must increase our uterine lining” and we laughed, somehow just doesn’t have quite the same ring to it!

I have on my RTC bandana like a headband. It’s hard to believe that almost 34 years ago my mother was back in the hospital again, after being home from Christmas until late April of that year. It’s a good thing, this race, and what we do for it. It’s a good thing. Seeing everyone there makes me realize that by ourselves we are powerless, but together we have power. I have that glow of good exercise thing going. Today (this week) is the start of an exercise (moderate) plan for me. Maybe we will get a tandem too. I also went out to Joann Fabrics with biz partner/friend B – she got fabric to make a summer caftan/coverup for her beach trip to Beaver Island, and I got a pattern to make summer baby-doll style camis out of fabrics I already have. One is a grecian style tie wrap that will be fun to make, another can be made from a vintage embroidered pillowcase, so I have to check out some rummage sales this spring. Folded laundry, bought dinner, did the dishes. M&D arrived back. Normal life. Tomorrow, the UFO contest starts and my goal is to break it down into little chunks – collar on hawaiian shirt, then body panels of jacket, then collar panels, then assembly, then finishing one part at a time. And then there’s the floribunda top. But that’s not the contest, that’s just a goal. I put another pair of pants in the goodwill pile. Narrow khakis. I wore them to get dinner, decided I didn’t like them (again) and they came off and went into the goodwill bag. I feel good for cleaning things out – only stuff I really like stays.

summer bedroom

The sun filters through the room like waves, the room washed in dappled light. The walls are painted stark white, in this tiny cabin. The bed is simple, wrought iron, it’s vintage coverlet not a designer’s style from a catalog, but pulled from an old chest of drawers. The floor is tile, and it’s cool upon her bare feet as she stands by the doorway. Her chemise is simple, gathered cotton lawn, with ribbon straps. Her trousers are laying on the end of the bed, slightly wrinkled from yesterday’s wear. Hanging on the ironwork of the bedframe is her jacket, worn-soft green velvet, appliqued with flowers made from her grandmother’s handkerchiefs. The warm breeze lifts the curtains slightly, billowing them from the bottom, the green grass peeking through the opening. It’s summer. And everything about the day suggests warm laziness to come. It’s still cool out, as she dresses in a tee shirt, linen trousers and jacket. As she wanders out of the room, she forgets her jewelry, on the old chest, stored in a ceramic box, just as her grandmother did, in this summer cottage bedroom. She slips on soft shoes, ballerinas for the everyday, and tucks a floral tote under her arm. The day will be warm, her jacket tossed in her bicycle basket before noon. But right now it’s cool, and as the birds chirp a warm welcome, she pedals down the quiet street towards town.

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quiet morning

M&D arrived last night. G. and I made dinner then did the lawn. We all watched the second half of the Miami Vice pilot episode (aah my youth – that’s not the Miami of today, and nor is the Miami I moved to in ‘91 the Miami of today). Sometimes I wonder why I moved back. But of course, I *know* why I did, and I remember thinking “why’d I move in the first place?” You know, if we would have found a house on water we wouldn’t be here – and maybe our lives would be vastly different as a result (of course they would be – we would never have left). I cannot look back – and I rarely do – except to capture a feeling – like the weekend we went to Cocoa Beach or Ft. Myers Beach, or Amelia Island, or the day trips we drove around the state. Maybe it’s the ron jon surf shop beer bottle cozie I used or the favorite Ron Jon summer dress that will come out of storage today. That dress is at least ten years old now. I wore it for certain in 1996 when we first went to Cayman. One of the sewists’ daughters works for a designer (trellis cooper) in NZ, and her collection is very victorian frilly/anthropologie chic, so I clicked over to anthropologie and saw great trousers (wide, denim), cute flats (silver ballerinas, watermelon peep toes), chic tops (printed voile vee neck wraps, lots of vintage looking white frilly things), and a great navy cotton blazer with exposed seams. Very french/beach chic. This reminds me to block off more vacation time this summer, when it counts. And to make wide pants in white twill and navy twill that I can wear with my lime green mocs and a fitted, frilly white top with my fitted denim blazer. Wait, I have those white pants, including the frilly white top (though that one is long in the tooth – I should remake something like it). Or, maybe just finish the Floribunda top in aqua voile. Let’s see, only the collar on the hawaiian shirt was left I’ll go see if I can find it and get started on finishing that shirt this week. If I break it into small steps (sew together jacket body panels) per night it’s less overwhelming than ‘go sew the jacket tonight’.

Reasonably clean

For the first time in months the house is reasonably clean. I say reasonably – there’s a small pile of junk on the bar, there’s a pile of cameras, christmas cards and receipts on the unused dining room chair. But it’s pretty clean. Table has flowers on it, books are neatly stacked on coffee table, dishes are done, floors are cleaned, baths are cleaned, guest room is cleaned. The office has scads of sails on e-bay right now, and boxes of G’s sewing stuff. My sewing room is painfully messy. And we have many, many things we should get rid of, and clean out, but we are not ready for that. There are many things I should work on – handbags, client work, the UFO contest (the two CJ jackets can be started probably, tomorrow, it’s May 1st on Monday). I could whip off the Nicole Miller ruffled denim jacket. And learn to crochet the scarf I saw on WNTW last night. A thin stripe of crochet with larger flowers attached to it. It was adorable. Sew together the lime green sweater, now finished. In short, today’s tasks (oweing to neck pain) should be things I can do without a lot of physical or emotional stress. Why do I feel better? I’ve divested so much emotional stress in the past month. I knew this was coming, seriously, I have been delving thru my psyche and spirit with the creativity book and class for six, no, seven months now. And after my third loss, I wasn’t really prepared to make life a status quo any more. If it’s not working – people, activities, hobbies – it goes. I’m not in a position to support others, I’m in a place where the person needing support is me. And if I’m unwilling to do this, no one else will.

Blogosphere news

Julie from a little pregnant is back for Round Two. Yes indeed, almost 2 ys after having her son 2 months early due to FVL, and prior years of IF, 3 IVFs and 4 m/c’s she’s back. Crazy, crazy girl. Last night I was reading an article about doctors being patients – and how to be a good one. I think I’m a good patient by their description. I have reasonable expectations, I learn but I am not pushy about my information, I follow their instructions and I’m learning that they do not have the answers sometimes. Sometimes they stab in the dark too. And though I read it, it hadn’t sunk in that doctors DO care about their patients, intimately. They think about them, dream about them, talk about them. I saw this, a bit, waiting for Nurse R. when Dr. S. was talking about another pt. (it matters not the conversation). It wasn’t what they said but the emotion (relief) in which they referred to her situation. It could have been clinical, but it was not, there was emotion there. They probably have bad days – maybe really bad days – when one of us loses a pregnancy or has a bad diagnosis. And I’m sure that my situation frustrates them, just as much as it does me. But I have respect and trust for their decisions.

Bookmarks can validate you

I was clearing out & organizing my bookmarks – IF blogs, M/C blogs, sewing blogs, shopping blogs, handbag blogs, and found J’s blog. She doesn’t really have a category (can’t have SnB blogs – no one else liked them). So I popped in. She sounded positively happy to have done the fun run with friends who hung back to walk with preggo chick. THAT is what I wanted. Unfettered conversations about her obstetrical situation vis a vis running, without me having to go home and be ill afterwards or avoid her. I made the right decision. Yes, there is a part of me that says ‘waah, I missed out’ but i’d have missed it anyway, with D’s baby shower. And THAT, with my cousins, was so satisfying – on such a gray and dismal rainy day, the house was so warm and alive with four generations of women in my family all together, celebrating the newest of the fourth generation. So I thought of first situation (gray, cold and makes my heart race) and the second (gold, red, warm and makes my heart leap). If I ever want to know how I feel or which way to go about something or someone, just ask my heart which way to go. It finds it. SIL and I exchanged warm, deeply sharing, and sorrowful emails (she had to put her second dog down, it made me cry when I heard it and again when we conversed). But the emails were also warm and loving – news of nephew and thanks for the gifts, discussion about how I was feeling about him. Even my brother called (alert the media). My cousin T’s emails this week, warm, carefree and supportive all at the same time.

Dr. K sent me home with Folate that’s methelyzed into 5 tetrahydrafolate-10 already, and something called Myocalm, which contains, among other things, valerian root and hops. Yes, indeed, hops! It’s a muscle relaxant and a calming agent, she thinks will help me. She said my neck lost all of it’s natural curvature in the accident, she can feel that it is perfectly straight. So I’m taking it easy and tonight will sleep on a rolled up towel to help the muscles relax back into shape.

I am going to take Zuzu for a walk now – it’s a gorgeous spring evening and she deserves to get out. It’s our time together.

taking the pm off

after EDU lunch I left work. Packed up two client files with me for the weekend. I’ll head to my chiro appt (I’m in some pain now from the accident), and then to grocery shop before coming home to clean up. Yes, not exciting, but not work either. I needed the leaving work early thing today. I called on the collision issue, and am waiting for G. to call me back re who is our ins. agent. I’ll have to get the police report on monday AM. It’s just an inconvenience – and it could have been so much worse. It’s funny, I don’t really want to die, most of the time, but I have wanted to before. Yet when I think about an accident it’s terrifying. Odd. My contacts are going mostly kablooey. If changing them this weekend doesn’t solve the problem, I’ll have to go in. They’ll prolly say “hormones” great. They’re really not workin’ for me at all and I can barely see the screen most of the time. I don’t feel that I’ve shed too much as my horoscope said I would. I am feeling better. There is much today to be living for, and I guess since I have to put off the pregnancy thing a few more months I might as well enjoy the time. I’m not sure if I’ll O on the estradiol, I’m kind of unclear. All the menopause research I read suggests this course is for early menopause, so it’s replacement hormones, but I don’t know if it’s ike reversal (prolly not) or just supportive until they give me provera to bring on my next cycle. I’ll go check out my new books until it’s time to go to my appt.

Starting a weekend early

“A sudden and unexpected release of tension could come to you today, ANN. Something that has been restricting you and limiting your growth is going to disappear” Well THAT sounds like a pos development. I’m sorta taking a few hours off – I have a 4pm doc appt with Kristin (just in time after the accident), and I have EDU lunch, so I think maybe in between, take Zu home and do some grocery shopping. I’ll try to clean up tonight, and free myself for a fun saturday. Today I am also planting the rose bush at the office. Fun. I’m not sure what sort of thing could release but I can understand that needs to happen. Whatever it is I’m on edge. Today I will wear jeans, and some kind of comfy shoes (digging). We have our farewell coffee breakfast thing with the interns at 10am, so I probably won’t get as much done as I like to today. If I need to work tomorrow, I’ll take home some files on CD. Well, it’s late I should go…

cancer

I was at friend L’s tonight. After the car accident (G says there is more damage than I think there is). We are talking about the baby’s appt. And she says “they think it’s cancer”. And right there, everything fell away for me, I actually saw a grey shroud fall from my body, it was an odd visual sensation. But it all fell away for me at that moment – everything for me, the accident – as i thought, cancer. he’s 3 months old, they can’t be serious. But her doctor at U-M is an oncologist. I cried for her and she said “I’m not that upset as you are” Yes, but my emotions are fragile. And God is an abundant God. I believe this now. It’s not my loss that gives her hope, but we can both have hope – that her son is fine and that my future child will be born. My neck does hurt now, I’m glad I am going to the chiropractor tomorrow. I don’t know it’s the accident but I’m sure it can’t help.

I’m Ok, emotionally but the drive home was rough. I will be with her every step of the way, no matter what. She said she’d call Monday to tell me how it goes. He’s under gen anesthesia for the procedure.

vogue

A number of years ago Vogue Patterns had a line called Elements. When this debuted in ‘95 it was perfect for someone like me (let’s see, I was a 26 year old self employed graphic designer then). Featuring classic, yet modern jackets, minis, knit tops, boot cut trousers, wide leg trousers and dresses, it was (and still is) a modern system of dressing. Listen to me, all that marketing copy sunk in! I loved it so much I wrote (and they published) a letter to the editor! But then, in the early 00s, they discontinued it – before I had bought the whole line. So now I’m on a quest to get them all. Only I don’t have those issues so I don’t know what “all” is any more. I’m foraging Ebay, and asking my sewing friends if they have these. Why I’m obsessed with these? I have no idea, it’s a current obsession. George sells, and I use up his pay pal balance to buy more stuff. Tonight he is geeked, selling $400 worth of stuff, and says “it’s great, our house ends up with less, and we end up with money” and I said “I’d like to ebay whole parts of my life”. Hey I don’t need that, I’ll just get rid of that. Tonight I have EWCM too, and can’t even take advantage of it. Nurse R’s stern admonishment “you must absolutely not conceive, your lining will not support an embryo for long and you’ll miscarry again”. Yep. don’t want another that I can prevent. Of course if this WERE even my problem from before, I’d be OK with it, but this is a NEW and ADDED problem. THIS is why I need another obsession.