bags underway

tonight, I cut off the Debbie dress and am working on the Debbie wrist clutch. I modified the Laura pattern for the Debbie (they are similar). I might package the Laura and the Debbie in the same envelope since they’re almost identical. I have a long way to go – pattern jacket info, notions, patterns, sample pieces. But it’s a good long way, not a bad long way. I’m glad I’m doing this – though it was a long day, I’m using my weeknight not to veg out in front of the TV but sew. And I know later, when I’m flat out exhausted (I am very tired now) I will feel a sense of satisfaction having done it. THIS is purposeful time well spent. My client (driving partner to today’s seminar) asked me why I thought i was so engaged and enthusiastic about work, and i said that i’ve really ditched a lot of emotional baggage in the past few months. I think that stuff sucks vast, vast amounts of energy from you. I really love my work, and I’ve been able to be productive, happy and enthusiastic. And I’ve been able to translate that into enthusiasm for the handbag biz, and even to my knitting and beading. I’m actually shocked I feel this good given what I have yet to go – the uncertainty and the real chance for more loss.

even the blogs have babies

House of Miao had mini Miao, a son. Babyfruit is ripe with a girl. If you troll the blogs, pretty much within about a three year time span, everyone gets a baby. Some, adoption, some, surrogacy, others, to hell and be damned, are doing it my way. With every ounce of blood, sweat and tears they can give and then some. Along with taking in a lot of things delivered by 25cc needles. Which reminds me there’s some medical waste in the form of an Ovidrel syringe around here somewhere. G. sez “whatcha doin’ with that?” and I said “saving it until I have my own personal sharps container next month…maybe”. So as I cruise on in towards the beginning of Year Four, I’m conscious that the time frame for this to happen is near. The first year, I read a book about infertiity that talked about it in these three year-spans. The first, you try on your own. The second, you see a doctor, and if that hasn’t worked, by three you’re just frantic/obsessed/crazy off your ass. Because if they haven’t figured out your problem by year three, you’re toast. Actually, they frequently have found your problem. And then another one, and then another one, and then another one. So you’re up to nine problems (like me) with no end in sight. When this is over it will be glad to close this chapter in my life for good. I thought a lot about how I said I’d sail, ride and do all manner of exciting things while pregnant (skydiving?) but now I mostly think about doing those things with the kids. I was pretty chipper with Nurse R. who said “Dr. S. says 8mm” and I said “okay, see you next Tuesday?” and she laughed “yes, you have a standing appt with Nurse J. don’t you”. If it’s Tuesday, it must be an ultrasound.

And I read that a normal e2 level is 70-100. Uhm, that would be why 39 is bad, right? And 31 is menopause. Am i nuts? Yes? Will i succeed? With all of my power, yes, but it’s beyond me now.

On to happier topics, I’m headed to a sales conference for women tomorrow. I’m really engaged in work right now. Enjoying my time, projects, clients and ideas. Engaged at home in my online classes, sewing and creativity. Turn the boob tube off, it’s time to bead, or knit, or sew. G will be home late, and the weather is slightly icky so I’m not sure yet what to do with our fish dinner.

A year ago I said December and no more miscarriages after the first one. I was pregnant and hopeful this time last year, with my second. This year, as December rolls back around (we have unofficially named that our cut off date, and I think we both agree, but it’s not set in stone) I’ll be OK with our decisions, whatever they are. I’m not panicked about the looming deadline at all. I just need to figure out how to make sole tonight.

It was such a good day

I didn’t even post an entry yesterday! The day dawned hot, but I insisted on pancake breakfast on the deck. G and I went for a 15 mile bike ride, our cedar lake ride, late morning. The breeze picked up and I sat on the deck and knitted for at least three hours. It was fabulous. Took a walk with the dog. Perfect. Today’s u/s went pretty well, 6.5mm. follies on left 4-5mm, follies on right 8-9mm, and the right side never produces much. go rightie go! Nurse sez that then left side will be ready for a conception cycle next time. Maybe all the stars are aligning at the right time…This, of course, dependent on the u/s next week, which, I joked as I added it to my PDA, should I add this appt. for infinity, repeating? Today, cute outfit, red sleeveless pintuck shirt, taupe cropped pants, denim blazer. gold flats, gold jewelry. Fun.

walking in the moment

I took the dog for an in the moment walk, and it was delightful. The late summer evening sun barely peeking over the treetops on to the shoreline ahead of us. I’m wearing wide-leg linen pants, my wrap top and a white cotton gauze hoodie against the impending cool. Her paws prints and my footprints are pressed into the rain-dappled sand. To and fro, her footprints meander, occasionally disappearing into the waves, to emerge again ten feet down the beach. A light fog has obscured the horizon. There’s a hummingbird at the feeder on the window too. The fading light of the day has left the lake the same pale blue as the sky; only the wavelets are a deeper slate blue. I have been working on the misto wrap, as I’ve taken to calling it. I’m on the alternate stockinette and garter stitch bands across what eventually will be in the middle. I will need to figure out how much mixed (misto) yarns I have for the base, and add in more stripes as needed. I have a long way to go, but it’s one of those projects that seems purposeful even in it’s randomness. As the sun sets behind the trees, the light now barely dappling on the drive out to the road, the day ebbs.

An article in a magazine offers tips on how to remain happy. Journaling is one, and the question is “my perfect day is…” I’d say my perfect day is a lot of things, but one of my perfect days has been today, or at least pretty good, if not perfect. I started the day with some, ah, quality time with G. We didn’t do the actual deed, b/c of the risk of conception (that seems nuts given most of the rest of this blog, but this is a resting cycle and I’m told in no uncertain terms should we ever be risky given my history). But it was certainly good. Then, quality creative time working on my handbag business for a few hours (on the computer). As the sun came out about lunchtime, I sequestered myself on the deck, soaking up sun. At least three hours frittered away in a delightful fashion chatting with the neighbors under the shade of the umbrella. And a margarita at about 4pm before dinner, a walk, and now, blissfully, a quiet house without television for a few hours.

What is another perfect day? Wednesday. Sewing with Christine, learning new things, crafting a successful project, buying fabric for more new projects. The article offered advice on friendships (let go of those that are not working, nurture those that are), creativity (be willing to make mistakes), and uncovering your real self by tuning in to that you are not your moods (I’m a failure; therefore I’m depressed – turns into I’ve had a setback, but I’m a worthwhile person).

As summer begins, I am not chomping at the bit to start our rollercoaster. I’m happy to just coast for a while. Could be a week, could be a month, could be two. I’m not speculating and I’m happy to be, for the moment, IN the moment.

When I was a kid, I recall moments where, usually sitting on the grass, I could see the world moving ahead and around me, and I was almost powerless, heavy, unable to move. But not in a bad way, in an introspective way. That is the way these moments have felt.

weekend

We got caught with a morning full of rain and thunderstorms – perfect timing for me to work on Annie’s Formals web site. I updated the design with the new stylish Annie graphic, and more links. I also took off the free patterns (and listed a special price for them). With photos and the two other bags (totalling four) I’m just about ready to go live with pre-launch pricing. I will have four bags, and business cards, by the time the summer weddings roll around in 2 weeks. A great start to the new me, I think. This week I have to catch up on SU classes – wardrobe workout and capsules I’ve been avoiding, along with style mentors (I don’t really have too many, I guess). Today’s outfit is summer cute. My geranium colored wrap cap sleeve top (which fits me now that I have c-cups), my coral print full skirt. I enjoyed my walk with Zu on the beach after the rain left. I’ll head out to do some knitting and crochet on my lawn chair. Dad took me up on the bargain – I promise if I get pregnant, to sit on my ass as long as he promises not to. But I’m not even thinking about that. I’ve pushed it way back on my radar screen. This, I think is what my therapist was talking about – filling my life with many more things so that the obsessiveness over the one thing can be much smaller. This was what I was not able to do until the healing experience at the retreat. I feel so vastly better – along with the other changes in my life – that it is as if I am a different person. Yesterday I placed a big order at VS for undies and bras. I’m almost a D cup (the difference between band, at 31.5″ and cup at 36″ is 4.5″, and that’s supposedly D, but the C’s fit the best.) I never thought I’d have these bbs, but I’m glad to have them. Zuzu is barking at me, I want to go outside and play! Time to go.

style lessons

I’m catching up with halfway thru week six only to see week seven and eight are already up! Good thing I brought my notebook with me. I just finished tracing and transferring markings from the CJ trouser pant to my tracing paper. Then sewed up the tracing paper (love that stuff) and tried it on. Should be great. I should cut slightly wider SA’s at the hip and thigh and edge serge for an alterable pant though. The leg is perfect, though I intend to try the flare leg pant, the straight leg appears to slightly flare (b/c of the thigh/knee/calf thing) and it’s a very, very well fitting pant. thank you, Christine! I think this is easy, but since getting pattern software and listening to Christine talk about how she tweaks, tweaks, tweaks them to perfection, I *know* how hard it is to get a good fit. Since being here, the panic of the week has faded almost altogether. In part because I have been busy. But relaxed busy. Mom & I went to the farm market this AM (mostly plants, doggie treats, jewelry and handbags). They will have more food items as they start to grow. Late summer is best. This is why I take august vacations I printed all the Style lessons for 7 & 8, and plan to go fill them out in a few minutes. This weekend’s big plan is the crochet lesson to make the foundation for the crochet flower scarf. I was briefly panicked that I’d never be able to do something like trace a pant pattern and sew when I had a kid, but as I stood there I thought, why not? It’s very important to me. I’d just be much more judicious in my time – I’d cut the pant and trace, but I wouldn’t post as much on sewzine (ex. at work) or in my blog (ex. later at night). I think you make time for what you want to do, just as I do now. Maybe less things overall, but more time to do them. I should go work on these lessons or see if mom needs help with her flower planting.

pacing…

I’m nervous. Pacing. I did my self exam last night. So far, grapes, not pebbles. I’m sure it will be fine, but I’m just freaking out. I am practicing cognitive reconditioning – panic, it’s me too, I have cancer, it’s all over for me now, reality is it’s probably NOT, everything will be fine, you’ll get your postcard in 10 days and be on your merry subcutaneous injection and IV needle way. It makes me think about what is important (me, us and our health). And what is not (anything else). Even though I have these massive risk factors for heart disease, stroke, and a rap sheet of pregnancy complications, I am healthy. My heart beats, my lungs absorb oxygen, my legs and arms work, i can feel, I’m not depressed (occasionally panicked, often ludicrous, sometimes bitter, but not depressed). I’m OK, really, healthy.

I packed last night for the weekend – patterns, tracing paper, books, yarn, and fun summer outfits. Espadrilles, cotton gauze hoodie, fun skirts, flip flops, a bathing suit (I have no idea if this fits, but if my belly hangs out, oh well). Mom says the farmers market opens up tomorrow. I’m so there. Ben Franklin? I love you, you five-and-dime treasure of a childhood memory. Only now I buy yarn and fabric and lawn ornaments, instead of candy and trinkets. It will be a great weekend – sun, bikes, sand, farmer’s markets and relaxation. these health issues have taught me a lot – about myself, about what I should change, about what I’m really good at. And they’ve taught me not to fear cancer. Yet, here I am. But I am courageous. Go in there, see if there’s anything wrong. Don’t stick your head in the sand and pretend.

go today, go off on the weekend, and relax. Be happy. Be joyful, be hopeful. Be.

Stay outta the blogs

CB’s blog was just, unbelievably beautiful and heartbreaking. Over the years I’ve read many many blogs, and I’m always astounded these women don’t just copy and paste this stuff and put it in a book. But tonight, as I read some of her posts (I’d read before, but not much), I saw a beautiful person, going through such grief and loss, and holding her head high. Even her posts about her friends, as tears rolled down my face, were so familiar and so painful to read. And I know I should not read a cancer/infertility blog on the eve of my mammogram, I did. What can I say? My life is easy and happy by comparison. Blissful, even. You betcha I’ll be watching the screen tomorrow (it’s digital mammography) for white blotches.

I have already thought of this, long before now. A last big race towards harvesting as many of my eggs as possible, storing them for a few years, when can do it again. But to read this as each option slid further away, or was sliced away, only the last straw when it came back again, and her last, greatest hope was gone. I don’t think she thought about death, she wrote that it was not being able to adopt that was the hard part. She never mentioned dying.

I need to go sew something. To sit and create and be in the place i was yesterday, this is too scary and too sad right now to bear.

just when you think you’re doing great

I stopped by babyfruit to see if she’s had the baby yet (nope) and she posted that Cancerbaby had died. 33 years old. Ovarian cancer. And me, set to go to my mammo tomorrow. It was a grim and shocking reminder of how fragile life is. And how easily it can turn on a dime. Now, I knew about CB. started going thru IF treatment, diagnosed with cancer, remission, returned. Just when you think the worst thing that you can handle is before you, you get yet another blow. The blogosphere misses ya. And, when you think about it, this would have gone unnoticed. Seriously, five years ago, no, three, she would have been a statistic unknown to anyone except her friends. A billion things race through my head, about the beauty of the digitally connected world – to add humanity on a level that is amazing.

confident

“You should be optimistic about the future, and confident enough to get back into your daily routine without feeling any letdown.” was part of my horoscope this AM. I think that’s pretty good as an omen for the day don’t you? And KN emailed me back, she’s been busy with school, but she’s on the estrace too, two weeks so far. I told her i’ve been on it five and a half weeks now, and it could be a few more weeks, or another month, who knows? For now, I don’t really care. I’m IN the moment. Now the key thing is how do I stay here, how do I beat back the panic wolves at the door? My little wolfish one is curled up right next to me. I told her walk, let her out and brought her back in. She knows she got gypped. Okay, I caved, one full block. that’s enough for her for now. My toes are a deep brick red, shimmery, ready for the weekend up north. I find with this ‘very close fitting’ top that I’m sitting up straighter. hmm. maybe that’s why, in dance, we wear fitted garments (in part). As lunch draws to a close (short, b/c of my appt this am) I am ready to get back to my day – web sites, proposals and client meetings to schedule. it feels, in short, GREAT, right now, purposeful, busy, happy. Am I finally back (for now?) Did I need to go through all of this to understand something? About myself? About what I might be capable of doing? of what life can throw at us? Client phone calls stack up, better get back to ‘em.