measuring my life in mm

I know that’s a title I’ve used before. But today it’s good. CD 10, 6.9mm, with a few 4s and 5s on the right and left, and one fat juicy 9mm that J. sez ‘that could go to twenty’. but here’s the kicker, J says to me “did Dr. S. increase your dosage so you got these numbers?” Uhm, no. But I said that I’d started a yoga program and my acupuncturist put me on some serious herbal infusions. Or is it a tincture? I think it’s a tincture. And she replied “oh, so lots of things to do with relaxation and blood flow” and I said, yes. CD 10, 6.9mm with a three layer lining already developing! THAT IS HUGE. Or at least, thicker. I also didn’t know, but they measure my CL and they also note the nabothian cysts. S. noted a fibroid on the 4/3 u/s which I knew. But it went away. I had to schedule my next u/s just five days away (next weds) but J. was busy and out on Friday. Close enough, I guess, and I’m not paying for it Actually, that will be CD 15 and if I O on time, that will be not quite it’s thickest, but on it’s way. if it got to 8 I think they say go, right? Who knows. I’m not speculating, I’m ready for a beach weekend. Yoga, tea, bicycling, beach, knitting, sewing, picking berries, playing with the dog. I wore my CJ bodysuit in my yoga workout this AM. Despite the fact that it’s completely one piece, form fitting lycra, I feel slim in it. In fact, I feel svelte – my waist narrow, flaring to my hips and derriere, round. My breasts, heavy, but still uplifted. My legs, strong, sinewy. I am going to do mountain pose to calm myself post-tea. G. called me, excitement in his voice. I forget that he’s just as excited and nervous as I am.

massage

So that explains it. Massage therapist says people who are abused carry stress in their necks. And deep seated resentment is found in the hips. No wonder! But healing occurs. I cleared out emails and yes, I read bad ones but then found the courage to let it go and delete the whole lot of the old stuff. Once and for all. As therapist reminds me, others’ perception is not necessarily reality. So I find new hope in yoga, in the herbs, in ballet, in massage, in letting others heal my body. It’s a trust issue. And that, I think has been why this journey has been so hard. Every week I go in for varying levels of invasive procedures. And I have these healing ones (massage, yoga, dance) that can counteract that and leave my body, not scarred, but whole. I decided to go to ballet, I’ll eat light and go. I can put together my packing list here shortly, and be ready to tackle laundry when I get home, and pack tomorrow after work. Plenty of time.

shoes

the new gold strappy heels are dee-vine. I may not wear them with the dress (or I might just take them off, we’ll see, or bring wedges, or whatever), but they’re gorgeous – with wide leg linen trousers, brown crossover knit top, new double stranded beaded necklace that I beaded, and my cream jacket. Very chic. My hair is flippy on the ends (natural air dry today). It’s a good fashion day! I have on the vitality candle and I’ll make the tea in a half hour or so. Oh maybe these shoes won’t fit after pregnancy is over, but who cares! today they fit, today they’re gorgeous and they will be all the rest of this summer and at my elegant fall events. Whatever those are! I realized, last night, that the fact that so much of me is changing is in part due to the stripping away of my protective coating. the coating that has made me tough girl for years. Not that I’m not still tough girl – I am even tougher than i was, but I’m softer tough girl. I’m not teflon girl, but I’m willow girl, bendy. Along with not being teflon girl, I’m retreating much more into aloneness, and that’s quite all right for me. I’m not lonely, by any stretch, but I’m much more careful how I am with others. I used the red pen to mark an October vacation week – the week of my 37th b-day. I’ve spent every b-day for the past two years (2004 and 2005) pregnant. Will I be this birthday?? It’s been so long since I had a normal birthday. And it will be such a nice fall week – probably warm and sunny, but with the leaves beginning to turn. Perfect for going for long hikes with Zuzu, going to my fave secondhand store, sewing with Christine, perhaps, just sewing. I’m not ready for fall, but ready for summer.

HP sends me a newsletter…

and lo and behold, fanny packs are back. PRADA fanny packs. Marc Jacobs fanny packs. Yes, indeed. So they sent me a free pattern for a fanny pack. hmm. I’m just NOT sure. I mean, does one have to then purchase and wear white tennis shoes? I have the belly (currently). But along that line, I noted while in the shower that my hindquarters feel, well, firmer, curvier not fleshier. Yoga? As I was quivering in down dog “surrender into it” says brenda. hmph. not exactly YET – maybe a few weeks. Anyway, back to HP. So now I am tempted by new patterns. Sigh. And in this newsletter they mention the sewing divas, which is how I got onto this topic to begin with. Five chicks who sew post to a blog and it’s funny. After my special tea, I felt so much better (still do) that I went and worked in the sewing room. But it’s almost 11pm now and I should sign off and go rest my eyes before bed. No computer before bed. Let me close by saying the tea rocks. I feel so much better. Yoga is perfect for me, I felt calmer and more energetic afterwards. And my stress level has been so high for so long that I didn’t realize how thirty-three years of stress, a lot that I won’t ever remember, can take it’s toll. It will take a while to undo what a world of harshness did to a very emotionally delicate child. I always thought of myself as strong until 2004. Then, shattered under a year of family deaths, and then three miscarriages, brought me to the brink of this fragility. And what I saw there was not the strong woman, but the face of that child, the hand movements I haven’t done since I was little, the rememberance of physically hiding myself (and doing that again, both emotionally and physically). And as that emerged, as pale and delicate as new skin under an old scab, I realized that the person that had masqueraded as me for my entire adult life and most of my later childhood had peeled away. No wonder I changed. So who am I now?

it’s pouring

I made the right decision It’s pouring rain. I did a half hour of yoga (up to just past warrior two) and I feel vastly better. Time to fix my contact lenses and work a bit in my sewing room. I’ll plan a weekend pack list and work on some logos for friend J.

Enough

On the way home from work (really the last few hours) I’m zinging. Here, there, zip, zap. On the way home, panic attack. I actually GET home, knock a glass to the floor as I am frantically trying to get to a snack. It’s sailing night, after six pm, just now home. The OLD me would have raced off to sailing, breakneck speed, cursing the whole time I rigged that I’m not strong enough, why didn’t my husband wait up for me, I forgot my watch, I’m falling behind, should have gone right, the wind is on the left… The new me? It’s not important. I’ll actually do the first half of yoga (I did the second half this AM), and calmly plan and pack for the long weekend. Yes, I’d like to sail. No, in the larger scheme of things it’s not a huge deal if I do not. Yesterday was so good, today was so stressed. Difference? no tea. I forgot it at home, and thought, oh no biggie, but the whole day I felt out of sorts. And I can’t have it now, I had some food, so it will have to be later, in an hour. I did take my vitamins and will go change shortly. On my way home I scenarioized many bad ones. And worked myself from a tizzy into a frenzy. THIS is why I’m having so many issues. My body does all it can to just keep up with my demands, it cannot possibly heal itself enough to carry a pregnancy. And then i think of my frazzled friends who conceive easily and I’m ANGRY, bitter, mad and working myself up into a tizzy again. THIS is why I’m staying home to do yoga and have the herbal tea.

focus

next four weeks – sewing: sewing room, sewing cabinet, UFOs, handbags. Beading: try a bead fantasy lesson. Online classes: catch up, download jackets, sew a fun summer top (cowl halter?) Yoga: daily. Knitting: wrap, sew together sweater. Boy that’s a lot of things to focus on! I forgot my special herbal tea, so I’ll go have a large glass of water, some vitamins and some lunch. Today, weather permitting, sailing. But I’m a total fair weather sailor these days, and if it’s inclement, I’m not going. I have too much to do. But by rights, if I drink my tea tonight, I should have boatloads of energy to do more work in the sewing room. That’s the first focus. I entered in all myjobs to do on the calendar, and started feeling the tension in my upper back. so I did four rounds of the mountain pose, kicked my shoes off and slid off my jacket and stood, facing western window, listening to birds. I’m opening up my heart, closing my eyes, letting my jeweled necklace and my heart open to the world. Breathing deep, softening my jaw. Yes, much better. Lunch, half an hour, time to get a few things done b4 lunch.

temptations

Ok the shoes arrived as I arrived at home for lunch yesterday. And they both fit. Beautifully. M loves the gold ones but I fear they are inappropriate for the beach, but SO appropriate for everywhere else! and then CJ sent me an email with a super sale including that key lime fabric I so want for the summer jacket and pants. Uh oh. I do still have money left over, but it’s almost gone. Should I? It’s $40 for the fabric. On either of these? M said the dress needs heels. So I might end up with wedges on the beach so I can walk without sinking. I’ll keep them around for a few days while I decide. Unworn. Though the bronze wedges would SO go with my outfit today….actually I don’t have on an outfit yet. I have a later AM vet appt. so I’ll do a half hour of yoga soon, keeping my promises. Didn’t edit logos yet for J. but I’ll do it later – my suspicion is that we won’t be racing tonight. I tried on the tall wedges again. hmmm. I’m just not sure! I love the gold shoes too, and think I should just keep ‘em because, but they’re not wedding shoes. I’ll leave them for a few more days. Til Friday. My pale tan wedges with flowers on them would be perfect as well. I did the second half of yesterday’s yoga, so tonight, the first half again. I think I can probably do just 1/2 hour tomorrow because of massage and ballet after work. My outfit is my (wal mart, can you believe it?) aqua and white floral jacket, with my white wide leg twill pants that I made last summer (New Look, love that pattern, a TNT for me for sure). Blue vee neck tee, my jeweled blue flower necklace. I have to decide on this fabric very soon. If I do, a pair of shoes must go back. Maybe just the pants? Wear it with white, black? cropped, with flare leg? uhm, it has a blueish/purple (same as the fabric I have to make the princess wrap tee) in it as the warp thread. hmm. Ah I did it, except their online store took forever! So I will have to call and hope it went thru. My last of my ‘mad money’ for the summer! waaah. The shoes are prolly going back

energy

Dr. T. says I look much better “much more energy today”. Yeah. I’ll say! She said my pulse is already stronger, and my tongue looks good, that my eyes were bright and I looked better. And that in China there are millions of books on infertility treatments with Chinese medicine. In part because they’ve been treating infertility for a thousand years. Think about that for a sec. Western medicine has maybe treated it for, oh, say, fifty years or less – really seriously less than 27 years. But Chinese medicine has treated it for a thousand. I’m goin’ with the thousand, with a bit of the 27 sprinkled in for good measure. And I’d agree with her on the energy. I’m much more focused at work in the past week, plus tonight, I did a half hour of yoga, vacuumed, cleaned up the living room, knitted with M for two hours, beaded a second strand on a necklace AND helped G. with flyer stuffing. I had a moment of panic when my mom sent pics of nephew. He’s so adorable, and my SIL looked so beamy in the pics of her and the baby that I was in love with him and heartbroken at the same time. It was a sharp pain. But brief. I refocused my energy and my happiness on yoga and my Chinese herbal tea.

tarot

My tarot was ominious today. It suggested a disagreement or separation – in my personal life. But professionally, things have begun to change, and change involves leaving some things behind, and embracing new things. So for that, I’m happy. I hate being stagnant, and I welcome the (sometimes) fear that accompanies big change. Last night about 10pm after I’d had my special herbal infusion, I had a burst of energy. Amazing energy. I washed the slate floor (the original floor) and cleaned the bathroom! At 10:30 at night!! Crazy. But along with the tea, I’d also done yoga, and taken vitamins, so perhaps that was it. I think it was the herbs.

I did not have time for my half hour yoga before networking breakfast. So I decided to do the whole thing after work. G. will be home later, so if I get home earlier, say just after 5:30, I can get the whole thing done before he gets home. And I was at work early, by 8am for networking. If you look around on my desk, I have two pictures of bicycling, one of the cayman islands, three of zuzu (and George, — the bike ones have G. in them). So what do these represent? the bike ones, the line of demarcation – my summer of energy, physical power, happiness, and accomplishment. The dog ones? Zuzu is my heart, no two ways about it. She’s my girl. I miss her even now – she’s at home b/c of the networking meeting. I’ll go home at lunch for her. And G. my soul, my love. He’s in every photo but one (a solo of Zu running on the beach.) I’m so very, very happy she can run again, that she has all four legs, that G. doesn’t have cancer.

In fact, if I reflect on it, as I did this am as I let Zu out, the soft summer morning wafting in, I’m actually pretty content. Work is going well, I have purposeful creativity, exciting projects, friends (M. and possibly her friend M. are coming over tonight for knitting). I’m not even feeling any general malaise at all. Yoga works for me. I’m happy. So that’s what these photos represent. Happiness, accomplishment. The other things (mini workout cards, the airport sign that says Wanderlust, the caymanian signs) represent aspirations. And the question, do you know where you are on your journey? I haven’t asked that in a long while. I’m not sure is my current answer. Time to fix the tea.