on vacation

Of course I’ve been on vacation for two weeks (well a week and a half now). But I’m really on vacation, up north, at the beach. It’s a windy morning and the dawn was pretty. I’m taking it easy, knitting, reading, relaxing. Maybe a bit of shopping. But mostly resting. I feel fine. I feel emotionally fine too, with the knowledge that this pregnancy will go on.

In one of my mom’s magazines they had 10 things to reinstill hope after devastation. Of course ‘devastation’ was defined in the article as lost jobs or something, not loss of loved ones, or pregnancies, or even a disaster like a hurricane. But nevertheless, they had 10 questions to ask, and I was able to answer all of them positively. One of the 10 was “knowledge in who your true friends are”. And I guess though I didn’t have her during a lot of the last year, we have become closer now than we ever have.

it’s time for breakfast. All about the food now for me

Twins

I am still pregnant. And there are twins. They have heartbeats of 103bpm each and measure normally for their age. Thank God. I spent most of the wee hours of the last few days thinking I might not be pregnant. but in the quiet spaces between, when I ask myself how do I really feel, I never felt they were not with me, but i did feel somewhat of a separation. Maybe the third one leaving. I’m not upset about the third one. Much. Well, a little. I mean, it was sustaining me thinking of three, and what a bountiful blessing that was. But two is good. Two is gestationally better, safer, given all that I have to deal with. At first I didn’t think there would be heartbeats, but though we didn’t hear them, she measured them. Alive. Oh I’m so thankful. Alive.

Dog is curled up on a chair

It’s 24 hours before my next ultrasound, and I’m OK. The pulse-checking acupuncturist reassured me with a scant two second check (where she normally checks all three pulse points, contemplates, checks the other side). Yeah, she said she wasn’t 100% sure two weeks ago, but she thought I was. I thought I was too. Bracket this with Dr. S. and nurse R. with the “it might only end up being two”. I’m a realist. I know two is vastly safer than three. But I’m kind of attached to three now. But mostly I’m attached to this state I’m in right now.

So, somewhere in the deep dark recesses of the night I had a thought, what if former friend S. who sent a chatty email asking about whether I’d be on the bike ride (one night camping) or not is pg? She got a tandem. But then I thought, she *just* got a puppy, but you know it wouldn’t surprise me. And then I scenarioized (I am so good at that) about whether I’d tell or not. If I tell, I’m doing one upsmanship. Well, I’ll see your easy pregnancy and raise you triplets! If I don’t, I’m either being cautious, avoidant, or bitchy. I think it’s cautious. Reality? I don’t think so but it would frost me to know that she’s blissfully expecting, riding a fucking bike 350 miles and probably none the worse for wear. You know, I left that behind! Left it BEHIND. Your life is your own, and your experiences have forged a FAR better person than you were before it. Let people be blissfully ignorant, without strife or trauma, it doesn’t hurt them.
Part of me wants to cocoon this. I’ve told enough people. People who needed to know, either because the DD gossip train is rolling, or because they’re my best friends and family and they’ll be there for me in any case, through thick, thin, and triplets.

As I emailed a good friend who talked me through a spot with her own (exactly the same) situation, she  reminded me I should call our therapist (we share the same guy), and get him to do hypnosis. If I’m struggling, why struggle alone? So after vacation, if I’m still not reassured by heartbeats and not sleeping well, I’ll do that. In the interim, meditation.

Part of the bitterness I left behind (and I’m actually hoping I do not run into this friend, really) is because the people I hung around with were a constant reminder of my failure. Not that they were intentional – sometimes they were just misunderstood in their comments – but I never felt like I was a part of it after a while. Like I was always competing for the worst life club, the “I’ll see your miscarriages and raise you a divorce”. And since I left, I’ve forged a new path, and I’m happy. So the vestiges of anger and bitterness are there, but they’re attached to specific people. This, I recognize. So it’s better if I don’t see her, even if it’s just the quick second reminder. I’ll be friendly, and polite, but I’ll be on my way to find my husband, a bathroom, a dog, a bite to eat.

Now, I have to turn elsewhere because even thinking about that has left me feeling not so great. Here’s the good things – my good friends L, R, M. My cousin T, who has become a great friend. My husband. My dog. Our parents, siblings and friends of the family. My doctors and nurses.  Even just thinking of the team of people, the warm friendly doctors, the nurses who care beyond belief, it just makes me happy, and a bit teary. They want this just as I want this.

And I think of the image of looking back in the car to see three little knit-capped heads in three car seats coming home from the hospital, and I believe. I BELIEVE.

I slept terribly

insomnia early this AM. But after I visted Dr. T. and she said based on my pulse “definitely still pregnant” I relaxed. Stopped in to drop u/s with Nurse R and Dr. S walked by so he saw them too. They’re pulling for us. I’m very tired so i think a morning nap is in my future. I can, so I will. and then I’ll pack for the weekend, and for tonight.

Percentages

Occurs to me, as I read the past month, that I knew I was pregnant. Sure as I knew every time before. And that, as I read back, is an amazing miracle in and of itself. That we’re pregnant with triplets is an even more amazing miracle. I’m grateful for each of you, tiny 2mm embryos (in your, now, probably 8mm or 1cm sacs). And as panicked as I will be if any of you decides to depart for the great beyond before you’re fully grown, I am still pregnant. And that is a remarkably comforting thought.
Let’s face it, we chose this. We knew that the risk for multiples with a gonadotropin stim cycle was about 30% (the fine print did say that high order multiples was about 5% or less if I recall). So we chose a 30% risk, and we got it. So here’s what I’m hoping. 50/50 shot that you all stay and 70% shot that you all make it to be born. That’s surely way better than 30%. Hang in there my 30 percenters. You’ve turned the numbers from icky to happy. We went from 1% of all infertiles (and that’s a teeny, tiny number) to 30%. Let’s hear it for 70%. Let’s hear it for 100%.

I got done all that I intended to today, and it’s only 7:30, but without the two hour nap and day 5 since IVIg, I’m feeling it.  Tomorrow I get to tell my acupuncturist and drop an ultrasound off at the doc’s office so he can see what he’s accomplished for us.

Focusing elsewhere

G. wants me to stop googling triplet stuff (such as the tee shirts, 1 of 3, 2 of 3….) So I cleaned out my sewing UFOs and my fabric cabinet, worked on a SU capsule for maternity using stash fabrics (I’ve got a basic level of things outlined at least to get started), and am generally feeling better. While I have energy, I must get to sewing, so I’m spending time in the room to clear things out. First up, handbags. As long as I have a plan for maternity, I can sew as the need arises. I kept it a bit more casual – the multiples sites online said that I should expect to reduce my work and social schedule mid-second trimester (and we’ll only go to 7 or 8 months), so I might need more casual things for at home. Opted for the denim for the jacket and pants (more versatile) with camel cropped pants with boots for dressier occasions. I’ll plan to buy basics like tank tops.
I’ll go do some yoga soon (which always calms me down immensely), work on a packing list, do some dishes and put away laundry.

As if we’d do anything less

We are pretty unique people as they go. Highly resourceful, talented, multifaceted people. The sort that would put on a charity bike ride for 400 people in a month’s time. We have a lot of friends who do some of what we do, but not ALL of what we do. So I’m confident that we’ll do whatever it takes to raise triplets. Our close friends are giving us that “uh, really?” and one asked “so what are you going to do?” (as in reduce) and G. said “it is what it is”. But on the other hand, really close friends are deeply, undenyably joyful for us, understanding what we’ve gone through to get here.

I don’t think I’d have been in the place that I am now unless I had these three losses, and all the ensuing fallout. I needed these things to teach me about the real value of what I’m doing, and the real rewards. Yes, I’m relishing these moments of pregnancy (it’s hard not to accelerate it right now – just get me to 10 weeks) because I know there will be not a whole 9 months to enjoy (probably 7 1/2 or 8 months)
You can bet a lot of scenarios are going thru my head, but the most important thing is they are all GOOD ones. I believe.

I made you a tee shirt

Three peas in a pod. So you know I want you. I had a tee shirt, never ironed on, that was three bandaids on a heart. But now, I’m celebrating you with peas in a pod. Much happier. Some people will get it, others will be like, huh? But it’s my way of saying, hey, I want these triplets, I am very excited. I’m ready for you. I know the risks. I was a preemie too. But if they tell me to sit on bed rest, I’ll sit on bed rest. So stick around, be healthy and be safe. I want all of you.

at the moment….

I feel happy and incredibly blessed. this is my fourth pregnancy, and unlike the first three, I came into this one relaxed and calm. Unlike the rest, I have two weeks off to nuture my body and soul. Unlike the rest I have the best RPL doc in the world. And I have a real sense that this one might just be the miracle we were hoping for. That we had to get to this point, to get to this point.

I read online that I’ll need to gain 1 -1/2 lbs a week (I start the week at 124). Today my bbs started itching. Late, but they started. I have been eating well. I’m relaxed, happy and ready for some great news. My uterus is visibly larger now, a distinct bump between it and the fleshy belly pooch below my naval.

I realize that right now this is all consuming, and I will have to go back to work, but for the moment, I’m allowing myself to dream, to believe and to be happy.

triplets

So I googled strollers for triplets and saw the most amazing contraption – it fits three carseat carriers on a metal frame with jogger stroller wheels. It’s crazy. It made me cry. But not out of fear. out of love. I want all three of you to stay. I know it’s terribly risky. I’ll do whatever the doctors say. But please stay. We will be great parents.