I discovered

I discovered the web site everyone’s been raving about, JW. Oooh. I don’t generally post names or URLs here (Google might find me). I’m not naieve that it won’t eventually be crawled, and someone searching for some obscure reference to Target and vag viag will find me. But I like to pretend this is just for me.

So after I discover this really stylish and superb maternity and nursing wear web site, I posted on SZ about how to make these, and of course the girls came through. Now I just need to draft an empire waist v-neck crossover top or two that can be double layered with a clever opening for nursing. And I must remember it will be WARM when this happens. Not winter. So though I might sew it now, it’ll be worn under a cardi or jacket.

My midback is bothering me, but the contractions that I had Sunday and Monday nights are gone. Because it’s happening late in the day, I’m suspecting lack of hydration, so I’m trying to drink two or three of my 20 oz water bottles at work per day.

By and large this week has been fine. I am still not sleeping so as yet yoga hasn’t helped and I may need to seek the advice of my therapist. I’m relatively calm and centered, productive at work, happy at home. Even old friend J emailed me (I say curiosity, G. says olive branch). But as I said, I forgave – myself and her – for our harsh words more than six months ago.

settling in

I bought a pair of maternity pants from Target yesterday. I have rarely ever looked in that department (few racks), but I really wanted some of the new Isaac stuff, and looked wistfully at that. Yes, me, who refused to look at maternity all these years out of pangs of longing for pregnancy and a child, was lusting for prepregnancy clothes. I reminded myself that there are years of flat-belly fashions awaiting me. But I was disappointed in the design & style of the maternity wear, frankly. Target, you let me down!!

I did get a pretty cobalt blue silk blouse and a winter coat secondhand. G. doesn’t like the winter coat, but I do – and it’s double breasted styling will work to move buttons. Warm is key. The stuff at the maternity departments is NOT warm – I have indoor jackets with more warmth.

I’m set for a while, til I sew. Five easy pieces and all that. I’m pretty much wearing full time maternity with a smattering of longer sweaters and open jackets. For instance, the de rigeur denim jacket, four inches separates the fronts from meeting, five from buttoning. But I wear it open like a cardi. Speaking of which I almost bought a long cozy cardi, but it only buttoned at the bust. Yeah, it was good post-baby fodder, but not at this time. I’ll add a bust-high brown velvet tie to my camel one and go with that this winter. And I passed up bright red patent kitten heels at the secondhand store. oh! they were lovely. But I didn’t need shoes. I needed pants.

What I need now is jewelry organization. Sounds like a christmas gift for me. I love my jewelry but like my scarves, they’re out of hand and nothing is getting worn. And it really IS the time to maximize accessories.  That’s the fashionista part of me. The preggo part of me is concerned about some contractions yesterday, fully across my lower abdomen, about three hours apart, a dull pressure/ache. I decided to go ahead with Dr. V., if Dr. R. really wants me full time Dr. V. will understand. It’s MY pregnancy, MY decision, and my baby will live by that decision, I owe it to her to do the right thing. So, shortly, I’ll call and make my initial appt. with nurse J.

I thought about you little one, this weekend, when I saw several moms and daughters shopping at the secondhand store. I’ll thrift with you and show you the joys of finding treasure secondhand.

gossip

So I’m the subject of gossip. B. said J. emailed her (not surprised, I told her she was fine to tell her, but please don’t play the ‘pass the salt’ role if she’s not comfortable). Yes, I am, fourteen weeks, happy. Well, as happy as someone who’s lost five babies, still carting around one that’s not alive. But the one who is alive, she should have loved my morning yoga. I did the first set, warmups and standing poses. I stopped after that, not sure why but since I felt like I should, I did.

I feel, well, good. Happy. Cautious. We are starting to talk like it’s real, G. telling me his conference in May is ‘after the baby is due’. And me telling sailing friend that I can’t help him with trophies in the spring for the same reason.

I’m going to journal to the baby now.

calm

Calm is my word for today. Lunch with the designer group – which includes ex-friend J. who doesn’t yet know I’m pg. Yeah, I look pg. In fact, in the knit jacket (which is surprisingly snug already – just bought 2 wks ago) I have a very good bump, especially from the side. No LBC yet, but I feel she’s here with me.

I am anxious today. So I close my eyes, breathe deep and remind myself that I’m in a happy place. Our child grows within me. She’s fine. I feel beautiful. From my hair, glossy and shiny, to my skin, clear, to my belly and breasts. I feel beautiful. My aqua sweater makes me happy today too. This is my life, I’ve made the choices and I’ve made the changes.

I’m happy. It’s time for work.  Today a busy day, but much progress was made on the corp. website (which is reflective of us, finally), on our marketing projects yesterday. I feel, well, back to where I was 4 years ago.

Love my outfit

I have on the knit herringbone skirt suit today. Ultra comfortable knit. I’m so glad I bought this. It reminds me a LOT of my CJ jacket and skirt. The skirt has twin side godets in two princess seams in the back, very fishtaily! I have on the London graphic tee, tall black boots and am feeling like one hip mama today.

Last night’s yoga was emotional. I felt off balance – a room full of very pregnant women, who know each other. And me. Instructor did some introspective think about the baby stuff, which is hard for me to do unless completely emotionally safe (and largely, alone). So I was upset, and came home and cried a lot about it. Expressed my fears to G. About being in limbo between doctors, about being scared about this 4 week gap between appointments, about being normal pregnant person.

I slept almost the whole night, waking an hour before the alarm (not bad). I feel a bit anxious today, but I’ll do my yoga video on saturday which will help me reconnect with yoga – and overcome some of these emotional aspects of it.

My SIL doesn;t want this pregnancy to be filled with fear and worry. Neither do I, but it’s going to take me a while to come to terms – very slooooowly every day.

I have joy. Seeing my rapidly expanding belly in class last night in a unitard made me feel great. Really. My belly button morphology is exciting every day, and I’m sure that hair on my belly is getting LONGER now. this outfit, and the other suit I bought, make me feel great and that, I love.

baby pics

another one of the little one….

there is joy!

Last night I dreamed – weird dreams – but one was particularly important. I was dreaming we were playing with our toddler on the floor, and the baby got hold of a telephone cord. I said “hand that telephone wire to your grandma”. And the baby said “wire”, only “wahr” the way that G. jokingly says it. So HE starts cracking up (G). I start cracking up, my mom cannot figure out what’s so funny about ‘wahr’. I wake up laughing!

This morning when I woke, I realized this child is telling me there’s joy in all of this. Laughter. I’m sure she felt it, my laughter. Even though I was awake with insomnia, it wasn’t a lot of insomnia. I wonder if my medititation helped.

But feeling that joy, that laughter, and it’s realization this morning was really special.

met with Dr. V.

Who is my age. I knew she was young. I liked her. Down to earth, she had a ton of info for us. My only complaint was that I felt under the weather during the appt (but she was great, laid me down on the exam table with cold towels on my head until the dizziness passed.) I’m hearing the same things from Dr. V. about Dr. R. as from Nurse R. that he generally doesn’t see pts directly, works with them on the high risk consult. Which is fine. I think Dr. V. would be a good choice for delivery.

I am beginning to realize my risks are pretty high, and not that I didn’t know this, but when she started outlining the things that women with elevated APAs and NKs have with placental problems and preterm birth, it made me realize just *how* risky this one is.

And I ran into Nurse R. in the hallway, who gave me a hug. She seemed so happy to see me there, especially for my OB appt. I really get that they’re all so invested in this pregnancy with me.
I just had a snack and some water. Forgot about a noon lunch appt, will get the dog following.

The massage was lovely…

but my APAs are borderline, as the nurse called me to say. Doc is not concerned, so I vow not to be either. I’m going to relax on the couch with some water. I felt languid after the massage, letting the blanket fall from me and admiring my pregnant body in the candlelight. I felt gorgeous. THIS is what I wanted to feel.

Happy Second Trimester!

It’s the first day of my second trimester. I’m treating myself to a massage this PM. Wednesday was my last day in Chicago. Dr. C and the girls gave hugs all around. It felt like graduation. I’m not sorry to be missing that weekly drive, but I did tell them it was an extraordinary experience and I would miss them dearly. Nurse. S. said to me two weeks ago “just two more weeks of poking and then you never have to see me again ever”. It seemed so final. But if my NKs behave, I won’t see them til I bring a baby by for pictures, and then probably not again.

I don’t know how I feel about that. I wasn’t sad wednesday but I am now. I mean, these professionals help you by giving you treatment – but most importantly HOPE – and it’s hard to let that go, even though you all need to move on. Us to a normal frenzied parenthood life and they to another patient just like me.

I mean, we do have a lot of contact for the next several months, so it’s not totally over. But it did feel good to be done with this phase.

Today I have on the CJ shirred top. Whomever said this was a good maternity top was kidding. It’s TIGHT, and I have maybe another week in it right now. But it totally accentuates my belly, and i think I want to make the ruched belly tops from Burda pretty soon. Last night, as I was sort of crunched up lying on the couch, my belly button flattened completely out. An outie is not far away. The CJ top looks great with my maternity boucle jacket and jeans today. I have on lime green mocs with the jeans. Casual, cute, and pregnant.

I started the baby’s journal yesterday. Only stuff I’m saving for the baby, nothing about this stuff in the past. Or the business of fertility.  I called Fid today to open a Roth IRA and asked about 529 plans. They said that I should do a comprehensive review because having a baby changes everything. I’m still scared, not ready to do that, and there’s time enough to do it after the baby’s born, as long as we write down what needs to be done. He said you can just put ‘children’ as beneficiaries, but I didn’t have the heart to say “what if something happens?”. Yeah, some of this will never go away.

But today, I’m in my second trimester, clearly pregnant and very, very happy. It’s time to enjoy this time of my life. These days won’t ever come again.