festivities

So the party season has started – kicking off with our party on the day of a snowstorm (people said they are coming – it’s in town, on their way home, etc.) I’m very happy. I cleaned my entire desk except for my binder cubes, but those are tomorrow. I even cleaned my to-do list and put them in a folder on my desk. It was a miracle. I have two doc appts tomorrow – 8am and 2:45pm. Not sure yet what to do about Zuzu. I packed up serving trays and a cooler for beer.

quell the panic

So I was unfazed by the nurse’s call until I realized maybe it’s my cervix?? So this had me in a panic til she called back : Dr. V said your labs are just fine, keep with the 40mg LX. Whew. See, I just got over the whole panic thing, finally. I’m sleeping regularly again, and then i start to panic. Everything is FINE. This time is different.

I have on my cobalt silk stripe top, which barely makes me look pg. It’s roomy. But it is so much easier to get dressed these days with fewer clothes to choose from. Funny how this experience is teaching me many lessons. Second day with just a dot from the Lx injections, so I must have found the trick.

I’m off for a walk – tomorrow night they say winter storm – greaaaat, just in time for our party on Friday.

cleaning

I spent an hour in the sewing room, until my leg (the bruises are the size of pancakes and on the verge of merging into one six inches long) throbbed. I then processed medical bills (BCBS is making crap up – oocyte retrieval my ass) and swapped a load of laundry. it occured to me very recently that there will be no sewing ‘room’ per se. I felt a bit sad about that, but it’s time. Sewing is where the heart is. I can still sit in YOUR room in the rocker and look at patterns.

I find myself speaking to the baby in these terms (you, your) partly because there is no other audience here. And partly because when I do, she kicks, like now. Oh it makes me divinely happy that I can feel you every day now, sometimes multiple times per day. Keep growing little one.  Glad you liked the juice and my cleaning rocking you around for an hour.

today’s bruise is just a red dot. Thank goodness for the new technique of ice, slow injection and resting. The bruises will heal. It’s not a big deal. It’s what I have to do.

overcome with joy

anyone perfect must be lying/anything easy has it’s cost/anyone plain can be lovely/anyone loved can be lost.

The lyrics really said something to me today, not sure why. But I think what it led me down to was that I love you – have loved all of you – but I love you now, even though you’re only six inches long, weigh barely an ounce and cannot survive without me right now. I thought of making sand castles with you in the summer, you running across the beach, all chubby in your cute diaper bloomers and sun hat.

I’m very ready for you, you know. I’m ready to be your mom. I’m ready to get back to normal, to give up these three years of doctors, shots, medications, ultrasounds, grief, loss and hope. I’m ready to even not see your doctors again (though I’ll still go to your delivery doctor for a long time, she may even be YOUR first gynecologist too.) But I’m ready to graduate from these long years of difficulty.

I don’t know whether other mothers feel as I do, I’m sure they do, just suffused with joy at your impending birth in just four and a half months (stay your full time, you deserve it). But I also think of the other siblings you don’t have, and I’m sure only those that share this unique pain with me know about that. Your birth is extra special to us because, in part, of these children who came before you. We know how much we want you. Other mothers want their children too, but it’s not tinged with loss like ours is.

I can feel you kicking me. I must be sending down some emotions to you. But what I want you to feel (even though I’m a bit teary) is love, unconditional, unbridled love. What I see when I see you running across the beach is my toddler face, because I can’t know what you look like right now. But I see you, and that’s what matters.

I take my job very seriously right now. This morning I laid down for my required fifteen minutes, with an icepack on my side. So far, just a red dot, I’m hoping only minimal bruising today and we can eventually leave this ugliness behind. But I’ll do it for you – no problem at all. In some ways you’re a gift to me too, someone who’s shown me the true depths of my character, the true resilience and faith. You’ve also helped your father and I grow far closer together – your grandmother said that we were close before, but we are even closer now, even she’s seen it.

It’s almost time for lunch, or at least a morning snack. I hope you like the wasa sesame crackers today.

make up

So they ALL bruise, the suckers. And badly. The size of silver dollars. So that, I am not happy about (they hurt too). So, I need the waterproof super makeup, to try ice cubes and ask my doc if any other vitamins will help minimize the bruising.

We got home a few hours ago, I did yoga, checked my email (no work from the client, but 845 junk emails), and am going to walk the dog shortly. I feel good. my back, though it hurts, hurts less.

I was very thankful this past week for so many things. I was also conscious that some people are thankful for ME too. And that makes me feel good.

on the road again

just can’t wait to get on the road again (kidding). G. is driving tonight. He wanted to go to an hour of his class, so I pick him up at 8, we’ll get there about 11:30 or midnight central time. fun. But you know I am happy about the weekend – even if I did bring a day’s worth of work with me to work on. Two web sites – one design, one content. And I’m releasing two more to someone else’s care next week, our site and a smaller client site. I brought beading, knitting and a magazine. Plus work. I’ll be glad of the work, actually.

HP just sent a new email and boy, it’s the only thing that ever could drag me away from my blog! New patterns, discontinuing old ones (you know a season old) and I’m all a twitter over their latest bag. See, that’s the inspiration I need to do my own gig. Hello maternity leave (what meager month I get). By comparison, it’s a crazy short time, but by my standards, a month, holy cow!

As I sit here, almost ready for my next IV tomorrow, I find myself looking forward to the appointment. This is what high level medicine can do to you. That you’re not only NOT bothered by an 18-guage IV needle, but you look forward to it. That the nurses are so much fun you’d enjoy it (and the day before a holiday weekend, with the doc leaving at noon, it should be downright jolly in the office, lots of belly patting and hugs.)
It’s partly them, I know this. Even my mother said to say hi to the girls for her. It’s partly because I’m used to it. I’m even getting used to the lx shots now, though the shot itself doesn’t hurt, I walk around the house cursing “goddammit. sonofabitch that hurts” for a few minutes. Wanting desperately to just RUB the spot, (rubbing will cause bruising) but knowing unless I wish a halo of dark bruises ringing my belly and inner thighs, I’d better just walk it off and curse.

I don’t wear this as a badge. But sometimes I catch myself feeling it. I’ll see you your unmedicated delivery, raise you ten IV infusions, and raise you again 180 lx injections. Hooah! Ooh the one today raised a nasty bruise. fun. I just checked. So this brings me to the naked preggo photos. I guess I’ll be buying some Dermablend when we get there.

I’m three days to half way.

going to chicago again…

Well my NKs went to 15, and my APAs to borderline (which in Dr. B’s book is elevated). Good thing I’m on Lovenox, I guess. so I’m headed to chicago early for thanksgiving. G. is going with me (since not allowed big long drives on the anticoagulant and blood thinner).

I was really hoping they’d stay down. But on the other hand, i get to see them again at Dr. C’s office. And you know how I feel about that. I expect this will be a regular occurence now for the rest of the pregnancy. That’s OK.

It’s time for my PM snack so I’d better make this short. Web sites galore (which is great).

fun weekend

So this weekend was quite fun. I started Saturday with Yoga mid morning. Did the full workout, second trimester variations. Then at 3, I went and got my Lovenox, and went to the boutique. I bought a cute brown gathered and draped front top, a shell in brown and cream, and picked out a faux-prada purse in a dark teal. I then met up with K, and ended up buying the purple long sweater with loopy fringe at collar and cuffs. Perfect, goes with all my outfits and will be warm. We then chatted at a deli for a while, and went to the party. Former/old friend S. was there (I don’t know what to call her, but since she’s not MY friend any longer I guess former). We were pleasant and I felt, congenial.

Yesterday I cut & sewed the gaucho pants. i need them to be higher by 1/2″ or 1″ at the waist all the way around, to use newer elastic (who knew that stuff breaks down??) and to make them 2″ longer in the legs. But I think for a print-and-sew they came out very well. not as much room in the derriere, but you know they FIT, and I’m probably not used to that.

Friend L stopped by. We chatted for a few hours. And then I went to mass. At the end of the mostly student and very crowded mass, I felt the baby give me five pretty decent kicks. It makes me so happy to think that she’s doing so well. Grow, baby, grow!

This am on my drive in, I thought about 17 weeks again, and how bad it felt two years ago and began to cry. But those years are behind me – and not that I won’t ever have bad years, but those particular ones, hopefully will never return. I felt, well, amazed that I could be so happy right now, and so ready to relish every second of the four and a half months I have left. I am, deeply, truly, joyfully thankful for these moments. For this journey, no matter how hard it has been. For the outcome that I imagine all the time – her birth.

Despite the panic and tears I had on saturday night, about the Lovenox, i’m fine. I’m writing out my warnings on sticky notes just to be safe.

news

So friend and client K called late this PM to say “I have something to tell you, I’ve been meaning to tell you for a while. I think it may upset you”. And my first thought as the heat rises up in my face, is “holy shit, she’s firing me” But in fact, she’s 13 weeks pregnant and I’m actually RELIEVED to hear this. I’m of course, delighted. But there is, and I can admit this only here, that old sting of “another one who is easily pregnant…” But it’s softer now, it’s not a dig with a knife in my heart, it’s a tiny sting, that has to come with a disassociation – because if I think of her, the feeling fades. And I have to remember that 95% of people will have no trouble. and 99% of them will never have MY troubles. So that holds true for my friends.

So as I breathe deep and remember that our joy is together it’s a warm and special feeling. Maybe it was meant to be. Everything is meant to be and it unfolds in God’s time. “Do not judge, lest you be judged. For as you judge others, you will be judged and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you”. Matthew 7:12

brain fade

Doc sez baby is doing fine. She gave us clearance to resume intimacy, but cautioned I have a very sensitive cervix and I will bleed. So we may not feel comfortable with that. I had the full works, a pap, breast exam, fetal heart rate (she’s kicking a lot in there). I start 1x daily lovenox as soon as I call the prescription place (early next wk). Yum. Had my flu shot. Doc gave a clean bill of health. U/S in 2 wks at Dr R’s office, then a followup a week later with Dr. V -  then she said no more appts for a month. I will be, just about, normal.

I hope the rest of this is pretty uneventful. Blood sugar is normal, iron’s a little low, but not bad. I’ll try an iron supplement. She thinks the fainting is the pressure of the uterus on an artery and that I’m sensitive to that. Vena vega or something like that.

Oh yeah, the maternal serum screen was normal. No worries at all about downs, spina bifida or  anencephaly. In short, i can relax, and be happy about the pg.