rough

Last night was rough. I woke about five am and had milk. But the baby, normally active, wouldn’t wake. So I got a glass of juice. not much. So I did what any red blooded high risk pregnant woman would do. I panicked. Crying in the dark, pleading with God to keep my child safe til her (much later) delivery. I ended up with a contraction, got up (again) and took my anti-labor drug. And spent the better part of two hours panicked. But the drug must have calmed me down too because, soon, I fell asleep, and then my leg joints awoke me. Throbbing aches, nothing was comfortable.

What ended up making me feel relaxed (and the baby too) was a mental imagery of me, next fall, walking thru Old Town in the navy-with-brown-fur trim coat (from thds mag this month), winter white wool jersey pants, black and cranberry peep toe heels. Holding my daughter, she in a candy striped pink hat with a knot at the crown. Her big eyes (mine) and full lips, pale ivory cheeks tinged with pink from the cold. Walking towards a boutique to buy a gift. This was the image that sustained me. I even imagined walking with Zu, baby in a stretch sling, her quiet, serious face (mine) taking it all in.

She’s, of course, fine, awake as I was at 9am, and awake again at breakfast an hour later. Now.

I’m dressed for possible visitors – khaki pants, white tank and bordeaux wrap top. G. moved my monitor slightly so my neck is not as bad. But it’s still bad. Need the monitor arm soon.

I’m listening to music on the ipod, something i didn’t use all that much before now, but I’m getting a ton of use now. It’s better, she’s active. I spent an hour at least of the early morning darkness worrying about other people – ad club, my partners, my clients. When the scare of her not moving made me realize there is only one person I need to worry about. This baby. Everyone else will adapt.

cerclage

Well, Dr. R. got in there and prounounced it worse than he’d seen on ultrasound. The cx was already softened and not much was still closed. But they put two stitches in so she cannot get out. And, put me on bed rest. You know you’d think this should really bother me, but last night as I was brushing my teeth, I realized, i’m happy. Not happy about being on bed rest, but generally, happy. This baby will be born, she will be fine. I’ll rest for a few months, work at home and generally get a lot of knitting done.

M. is bringing over food and her plastic rolling cart that she used to organize her things chairside during her 15 weeks of bed rest. I’ve got my computer (granted I have to work on the ergonometricness of the setup), I can get my files from work, it’ll be just fine.

I’m about to get a bedrest to-buy list together for G. so he can go out and shop for things. Find a housekeeper next week and start making a list of the things i can/want to do on bedrest. Things will be just fine, and the baby’s health and safety is utmost.

We’ve come too far to be let down again. The nurse said something to me preop, “someone up there must be looking out for you”. Yes, indeed.

cerclage

Well, my cervix got shorter. 1.25cm. eek. Even I could see the big black space at the top of my cervix easily. So Dr.R is doing a cerclage today at 3pm. You know how it is, seven hours for a five minute procedure. But he said if it stayed closed 1cm above the stitch, I’d be off bed rest. And if fetal fibronectin was negative, same. But if Ffn is pos, or it doesn’t, that means bed rest, and if Ffn is pos, terabutylene (sp?) pump with bed rest. ugh. Another daily injection, this one IM into the thigh with it staying in place. Fun.

But I’m OK. The baby is perfect, and I’m doing fine.

upgrades

Well I measured and ordered new bras. But I measured a 38dd, which I couldn’t believe, so I ordered a 36D instead. We’ll see. I mean I am not popping out of one of my bras that much…

I’m on day 4 and so far the past two days have been very productive. G has brought me six boxes from old company to go through (I think there are seven left), and I did some knitting. Plus, I cleaned out several drawers from the dresser in the office, which is probably destined for the baby’s room. And I cleaned out another big bag of fabric. He put the rest in the upper cabinet. Patterns are next – I’m going to do the scan and digitally archive the covers, and store the rest of them in the upper cabinets. This is a new method for me, but I think one that will work for how I work.

The first day on bedrest the baby was quiet, but now she’s about as active as she usually is, so I feel better. The leukhorrea has slowed down, which tells me that is a sign my cx may be improving. I am envisioning a bright orange band and the opening being sealed off. Maybe that’s helping. It’s down significantly from even day 2 of rest.

At least I’m productive this week – not quite the productivity I imagined completely (though we did earmark cleaning out as one of our major holiday goals). It’s OK. Things change.

The day is sunny and bright which helps my mood considerably. Parents are due to arrive later, and G. went with Zu to the post office, so she gets a good run. Baby’s kicking. I have no real clear understanding of how much she’s filling up my uterus yet, I guess I can see a bit better on the u/s on tuesday. But these u/s are not the happy ones that they show you what’s going on, this one is likely to be one where they’re serious and concentrated.

The key thing is her health and safety. She needs to stay in as long as possible – into the mid 30 weeks at the least is where I’d feel comfortable. Though I’d like her to go to 38 or so if she can. Healthy full term. As for me, if I start thinking non selfishly, I will accept bed rest. Not gleefully, but accept it. My cousin suggests that all women use their pregnancy and labor ‘war stories’ and that mine are some of the best. I think I’d like to leave this behind. It’s not a contest. My fate is my own, and I know what I’ve sacrificed. I will be a better parent than I would have otherwise been. Absolutely. I’ll be positively gleeful to get her out on walks in the spring, and be 100% attentive when she’s with me. It’s really about understanding what you’ve lost and what you have. And if you haven’t lost, well, then you cannot fully appreciate the magnitude of the experience.

I know damn well friends of mine all do not agree with this. Some do, though. It’s not about quantity or quality of love (there’s the contest thing again) but about the realization that maybe I make a different moment by moment choice. I hope I’m a lot more patient, less selfish of my time, and more amazed and wondrous at this. I am marveling at the fact that there’s a completely separate human being kicking me right now. Like the dog twitching in her sleep (on our bed) all night last night, I can feel the baby often. She’s doing great, and I imagine her as an infant this summer, and a toddler next.

We have big plans for you, little one. You have no idea yet how much fun it will be. You’ll be born in the spring, a season of new beginnings, the season, that for me, feels like pink. But not just pink, a bright coral. Wow she’s really kicking now, I swear I could SEE one of them through my sweater, but maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

day 3 bedrest

damn I lost this post. So what I said was if I keep saying that as the title this becomes a prison sentance. And this is about MY choice to do this. I knew this was a risk, a chance. Just like I knew I could lose another pregnancy. I am really going to try to focus not on the self centered part that wants to whine about waah, why me, but the fact that this child needs a safe happy place to grow for a few more months, no matter where I end up doing that from. I wonder too if monks can meditate to the point of surviving 20 degree weather without coats, can I visualize a closed cervix? At the least I can probably try.

The part of me that wants to whine is the same part of me that whined for 3 years about my fate in going down this road. I don’t know why this is my fate, but it is, and I can either deal with it or not deal with it. There are things I can do – and I’ve listed a lot of those (nothing like that ‘have a plan for a new scenario’ part of me, eh?) I know people who have been on bed rest who are friends. Who will support me.

It will be OK. I have to just get through the next few days and wait for the doc’s word. In the interim, I am planning to do some knitting and some cleaning out of files next to me today. and visualize a closed cervix.

day 2 bedrest

I was bored after two hours yesterday. It’s not 9am and I’m not quite bored but it’s looming. I didn’t go get work from the office. After friend D. stayed til 10pm, I was tired, my back was so sore as to feel really worrisome, so I laid down in bed just to change position for a while. It subsided right away which alleviated the intense panic that it was labor beginning. Work will live without me. I’m still hoping it’s not permenant bedrest.

Yes, I’m mad about this, but not angry mad, dissappointed mad. And I’m focusing on the baby, her birth and the beautiful time of year it will be then. Yeah, it’s winter, it’s dark, it’ll be difficult, but I’ll make it work. The important thing is for me to vent here, not at G, or other friends.

I set outlook and spam filter to collect both work and home emails, and so far all is working. Zuzu’s on the couch, twitching. sleepy dog. Heck I’m feeling napish, but not til lunchtime, as I’m still ‘on call’ for client stuff if they need me. At least the programmers and the one client for whom it’s being programmed.

Damn. I can’t believe it. You know, and I should know better, you have this sort of idea of what it will be like. I know damn well that doesn’t mean a hill of beans to imagine pregnancy because it can go not the way intended. but still, I’d thought I’d gotten past the part of most danger. but as friend M said, at least they LOOKED and were looking for this. Because the alternatives are what happened to the two new girls in the support group. Twin incompetent cervix.

I’ll take what I can get. Our daughter will be born healthy and alive. I will be pushing a stroller in the soft spring sunshine. I will take her to the beach this summer. She will come to our bike ride in August.

I’ll need to figure out how to manage back pain and some exercise. I’m sure the doctors and the birth class instructor can give us some things I can do from my chair/bed.

I’m just glad the dog is here, at least I have company.

bedrest

aargh! Well it’s not like I didn’t know it could happen… I went in for my CX length check and lo and behold, down to 3.1, funneled to 2.3. eek. So Dr. M (Dr. V is off this week) said he was erring on the side of caution, scheduled me an u/s with Dr. R. tuesday and said that he didn’t know how long it would be that I’d be on bed rest, but that it does improve and this was the most dangerous time.

I’m not taking any chances. I went to the office, grabbed the dog, my web notebook and left. It’s xmas, no clients need me. Yes, I have projects, but nothing terribly urgent, and I can deal with work when that time comes. If it comes.

So, beyond all the brave face crap, how do I feel. Honestly? dissappointed, but not crushed. I mean, I understand the risks, I understand what I’ve been through to get here, and the most important thing of all is she stay in there a good long time.

Yes, I’ll get stir crazy, but I’ll learn to deal with it. I’ll knit, maybe learn to cable this winter, organize recipes, things like that. Read. I’ll try to avoid TV if I can. The things that upset me most are silly, like not being able to work, or not being able to shop or go places in cute maternity outfits. Or some real concerns, like work, or not being able to get exercise or get out of the house. It’s still not a given that I’m home entirely for the next four months. we need to wait and see. But the alternative is horrible, the loss of this baby with almost no hope of doing this again. That is NOT an option.

I’m sure I’ll figure out a way to deal with it. I have with everything else!

focus

I’m cranky today and I need to focus. Two days before vacation. I have lots of loose ends to tie up before I go too. Moving a web server (actually three of them, all high-impact, unfortunately). I have sites to design and work to be done on our corporate site.

But I’m feeling irritated. DH knew about my ultrasound, I told him, and he scheduled department meetings and annual reviews. But he’s missed all the Chicago ones, and this one will be garden variety. He can come to the OB appt next week. I’m not sure why this bothers me. I agreed to take the brunt of this work, it’s my work to do. He is not pregnant, I am. And in all fairness, he DID go to a day care yesterday to inquire.

I’m getting those late-week-tireds I think. It’s been a busy week and I’m feeling a bit drained. I’m chalking up the crankiness to being tired and having a stressful week. Tonight I should work to relax (starting with my massage this PM) and look forward to a much-needed week off next week.

tipping point

So we got a heads up and an inkling into the mind of a client today. Printer referred client to us. And another design firm. he interviewed both. He said we got it a week ago, but printer told me that other design firm came back with another offer, and he considered, but chose us. So this other firm is much larger, and presumably much higher priced. They’re chasing dollars that we are? Our sized dollars?

Of course I’m happy. A bit under pressure to perform (but we WILL, and it’s up to us – me – to be sure that there are no compromises in the creativity, messaging and design of this project, and that we think strategically for the client to help him think about a larger marketing plan.

I think all of this is VERY interesting, coming at a very interesting time, and is pushing me to be ever vigilant in my efforts in selling, communicating and marketing.

surfing for belly wear

I surfed the LL collection (not just from Target either). And though I don’t need much, I did think about a ruched belly tunic with a cowl neck in knit. Burgundy knit, the ones I bought two years ago almost. Mmmm. Bootcut corduroys. iridescent denim jeans. Yeah! I’m having so much fun thinking about this stuff AND sewing it. It’s just truly delightful, being pregnant. I love it. Even despite the injections and IVs and worry, it’s so much fun. She’s been kicking and rolling since I had lunch. So lunch makes her happy (me too).

SIL was surprised my belly button popped. Hers never did. G. asked me to do the belly flash for brothers last night at dinner, so I did. I love the belly. It’s pretty, even despite the light bruising from the injections. Which are going just fine.

I walked down to lunch and feel just fab for having been out in the sunshine for fifteen minutes or so.

today I have on J’s black dress, black boots and the purple long cardigan. Stylish and chic. I feel marvy, love my clothes, love how I look. I knew it would be like this and I’m so happy I got here. THIS was worth it. And I cannot wait for her birth. I mean, one minute inside and totally connected to me. The next, a completely separate person no longer attached. How amazing is that?!