sticking a foot out

This morning (as I was on a conference call with a client), I felt a big push, almost painful, as she stuck her foot out. I lifted my blouse to see the foot-sized bump, and pushed back. She pushed against me. Interaction! What a remarkable thing. I can push around my belly and figure out where she is now. The spots where she is are firm, the ones where she is not are softer.

So i went second hand shopping (the girls on Sz tell me in France this is rentrevent, or resale) this weekend. I got a black swing coat with leopard fur collar and cuffs. I wore my hair in a pretty chingon clasped with a natural wood clip. My new earrings that match the necklace I bought last summer. I felt, for the first time, chic, in a winter coat, while pregnant. Very chic. Oh! such a change from two weeks ago when I didn’t feel OR look like this coming out of the drug store.
I am also wearing a new satin blouse, in an antique gold, with a single button cutaway cardigan in purple and camel cords. Nice! casual but chic. I feel marvelous, look wonderful. It’s everything I wanted and more, really. I mean I imagined myself chic and pregnant but I could not ever know how it feels to interact with my baby as she moves in my womb.

I am so happy it’s just crazy. It felt good to do the little shopping that I was able to – the village store and one of two secondhand stores. Yeah, my parents drove me nuts; dad who doesn’t want me to move an inch and mom who thinks all her opinions are the ones I should choose. If my SIL had trouble nursing, it doesn’t mean I will; besides I’m sure she never joined the LaLeche League! But I also got all my med billing done (about nine grand for uncle sam, after the FSA, or 13 grand all total this year), did most of my registry (okay, half) and read a lot. Shopped, ate. It was a lovely weekend.

why we have children

…Is the title of a magazine article I read this morning. M also came over (her magazines) last night. she said “you’ll think I’m crazy, but I was envious of another mom of a 1 year old who’s pregnant again”. Yeah. I don’t think she’s crazy. I know I’ve thought about this and I am still pregnant NOW! It is deeply crazy that we feel this way, but we do. I know that I can get pregnant, but I cannot stay that way – besides the known egg issue, there’s the immunology (it gets worse), the incompetent cervix, the blood clotting. I mean, for me to put everyone – including my daughter – through another round of this, crazy.

So I know I must cherish every single moment. As I laid in bed, this morning, feeling her kick and roll over, I planned out the dress to sew to go to the awards banquet. A maternity pattern, empire waist, sleeveless. It has a crewneck, but I decided I’d make that double and into a surplice. And extend it below the knee, with a slit, for a gown length. I’ll cut it off and wear it as a summer postpartum nursing dress. Burgundy slinky. Sew a white faux fur shrug, wear glittery jewelry, put my hair up….sigh, even if I don’t go, I know I feel beautiful just thinking about it.

but I feel right now a sense of joy. At my ultrasound on Monday, seeing baby yawn, suck and put her little hand in the small funneling space (get your hand outta there, little one!) at my cervix, I thought, I am genuinely joyful about this now.

Last night though, M said “you’re very out of breath, are you OK?” and then I had six BH contractions, first 10 min. apart, then 20. She was concerned, but by just after 9 they were done – I drank three glasses of water, laid down and we just talked. So I think I overdid it at work even though I was there for only a few hours in the afternoon.

It’s about time to get to work, and a busy day it is. But the sooner i work, the sooner it gets done.

lunch

I was so excited about my lunch today. I mean seriously excited. I had a turkey (as in, big slab of breast meat) on italian bread, with roma tomatoes, spinach, mayo sandwich. And a side of stuffing. Stuffing! I really shouldn’t be this excited about a lunch, I know. But I was. It must be the pregnancy thing

Friend K was feeling low yesterday, like a clydesdale, she said. I think she looked great – tired, but great – her belly rounding out nicely, but not a big bump yet like mine. So I’m going to make her a scarf with beaded fringe, and some earrings. She is struggling with a lot of the same things I am – baby on the way, life change, trying to figure out to do what with her business. And I know even beyond this, she’s excited AND worried about her potential career change in a few years (but she’s been thinking about this a long time, I know). I guess the best thing I can do is commiserate (I felt like a heifer last week too), understand (I’m there with you on the business) and be supportive (here’s something to make you feel pretty).

I’m emotional. Client and massage therapist was talking about the new movie where everyone’s infertile, they all have pets, there are no children any more, and a woman gets pregnant. People stare, cry, let her through, as they see her swollen belly. I started getting all teary at the thought that a baby is hope for the world, and what a miracle it is to be pregnant. I haven’t even SEEN the movie! My baby is kicking me now. Nurse J. says she’s still head down (that little hand was in the small funnel space next to my cervix!), but lying on her side, so her legs, up by her head, were pointed left, and her butt is up past my belly button. Which is why I feel her on my left side mostly.

But even I feel that this pregnancy is a miracle, and hope for my world. And all my friends pregnancies, and my relatives’ pregnancies the same. I just want to cherish these moments. All of them, because there are not many left.

cleaning out

the sewing room is my stuff. Almost exclusively my excess. And I realized as I was cleaning it out that this is the case. I cleaned about half my handbags out, which was a great start. I also worked on the ‘patterns i drafted’ – but may have to toss more. Realistically my body will change post-baby. I’m not keeping ones I drafted (pants at least, b/c of the bone structure change) before now. I can reprint.

As I cleared out the purses I had to ask “can this hold diapers or a bottle?” because realistically for the next three or four years, my bag is also a baby bag. And I’m feeling less pressured to sew maternity – ironically as I intend to do some. The fabric will still be there and I can make something else with it. post baby.

All the notebooks of patterns to make, things to sew, things to try fuel me, even if I never ever get to them all. They’re still fodder for creativity and excitement. Eventually I’d love to scan them all in to my computer.

so, I’m changing. At first I looked at a couple of friends and thought, uh oh, will I not wear makeup or not shower as much? No, that’s not me. Fundamentally they weren’t focused on their appearances before baby, so why would they after. But I am, and while it’s no longer my primary focus, looking decent is a key aspect of me. I’ll probably favor more easy care knits with vee necklines for nursing, but will I stop wearing cute skirts in the summer with sandals? No. That’s me.

After being ‘more active’ I’m feeling that pressure in my vag. area again, doc said the stitches could not come out, they were secure. But it still bugs me. So I decided a break was in order, I’ll spend time this PM working on medical billing stuff. I’ve done a lot this weekend, made progress. it’s time for a bit more work, then fun.

happy morning

can I type with one hand on my belly? Because I love feeling the baby kicking. She rolled over a minute ago too. that feels different to me. I spent some time lurking & posting on crafty sites this am. I know I must get to more things in the sewin’ rm, but I made excellent progress consolidating the notions. Today, it’s off to tame/clean out those rolls of patterns and photo more patterns so they can be put away. Want g. to move my machine so I can sew/press at the same time, w/o getting up & down.

I’m going to make a fleece baby sleep sack in the next few months. Maybe a flannel one too for summer sleeping. Ah projects. I love thinking about them.

I’m just so happy to be pregnant, it’s amazing.

Relaxed

I took almost a 2 hour nap today and could still sleep. I started a registry (but haven’t added anything yet) to it at Target. I think I’ll do target, babies r us and kohl’s. It felt productive to organize notions. Camera needs charging again so i couldn’t do the pattern photos (yet). So, progress was made, but I still took a very easy day.

I found the small ball of coral yarn I had been missing, it had slid down next to the chaise, and only when I was sitting organizing notions did I locate it. Bonus. baby booties are up after the hat is done. Hope it’s not too big, I have no idea how big a baby’s head really is.

taking the first step to register online was a big one. We are going to have a baby! I mean, I still know this is very risky. There are no guarantees and I know many, many women who lost babies even after my gestational age. But I feel strongly about this child, and that she will come home with us. Time to go rest more. Knit a little.

relax and get organized

this weekend, after a stressful week, a start with a headache, I feel I need a day or two just to relax. Do things at home, organize the nursery/sewing room changeover, just to feel productive on the plan to get baby integrated.

I would also like to take quiet time to knit, and walk the (whiny and needy) dog. She’s just beside herself – she knows it’s saturday, George is packing the car to go ice boating and she’s thinking she’ll be left out. Which she will be, but until he leaves, she’s just being a menace. Maybe I’ll take her to the park for a romp later this PM.
After my meltdown, my mother bought a new coat for me to try on. Yes, I’ll feel better. I also got two new bras and three pair of undies (amazing how fresh undies can improve your outlook, mine are so grungy). Eventually I’ll need nursing bras. and nursing tops. But I’ve decided I have time, I only need these right before birth.
Baby’s active right now, right on schedule. I’m tired, I’d like a nap, but will watch my second knitting show before I decide to sleep.

Stress

Yesterday, stupid web site snafus caused me so much stress, i was in tears. Not the site itself, but the fact that I’m behind, the realization from the doc that we have two months to get all the stuff done that we need to – and about six weeks before I need to begin transferring things to others in my office. And they lack the skills. It’s just causing me tons of anxiety right now. I haven’t been sleeping well, thinking of all the ‘logistical things’ of work, and of life things. I know this is normal – thinking of how I’ll do the TdRA and DalMac with a baby. I know it’s customary as I’m getting ready to make this major life change.

G is right, we need a comprehensive list of what needs to get done and to work backwards. And I need to realize not all will get done, it’s not possible. And to end up so stressed I am in tears at the end of a work day is NOT the way to go.

I cannot convince my partners to make a change, so I must forge ahead, use our freelancers and just tell them what’s going on, either they’ll figure out they need to upgrade their skills, stat, or they won’t.

Plus, I’m so behind on marketing it’s silly, which is a bad place to be in. I need to have things in place. So, what I need is a list. And when I have the list, i can calm down and rationally think through what has to be done and when.

stress isn’t good for me, it’s not good for the baby and I have to just do what I can now on my end. I did somewhat of a decent job. I laid down on the couch while G. cooked dinner, I knitted a few rows, we went shopping (but I got tired and swollen feet after an hour, we got what we needed).

Today I have on the pretty pink sweater jacket and a blue vee neck tee. khakis. Nothing special, but I like the jacket (J’s).

this weekend G. intends to ice boat. I’m glad, he needs to get out. I intend to work through these lists, organize the nursery/sewing clear out and sew at least one nightgown. I’m taking time for myself for creativity on the handbags project too. It’s just got to be one small step moving forward every day.

Spring will come, baby will be born and I will figure all this out. It works out in the end.

normal meltdown

So yesterday I had a normal pregnant woman melt down. I spent the afternoon at the office, while I enjoy it, it’s overwhelming with back to back meetings. I then went to sparrow for my labs, to fedex and kinkos to copy lab slips to send to chicago, rite aid to get my lx injection kits. Then, as I was walking (okay, waddling) out of rite aid, in my sport clogs (it was snowy) and coat mostly unbuttoned, a woman – me, last year – in a stylish winter coat, dress pants and heels, walked in the other door. In a flash, i felt deeply wistful, for her figure, her style. And then just as fast, i thought, you have worked SO DAMN HARD to be waddling out of Rite Aid six and a half months pregnant! What ARE you thinking!!

Further, I thought, what if she was like me, and seeing another pregnant woman was enough to drive a knife in her heart, or at least to buy several unneeded lipstick and eyeshadow kits to console herself.

And then I couldn’t get G.’s car started. Key wouldn’t even turn (something about the steering wheel being cranked) so for fifteen minutes I was getting ever frazzled, unable to reach him (he called 45 min. later, just so that’s on the record). I am NOT happy about this. I had a vent-fest to M, about this whole experience. she said I needed a perfectly normal pregnant meltdown. Not that I was upset about not having cute clothes (I did have on a cute outfit) but in the winter, in a coat that doesn’t quite fit, in sensible winter shoes, when I feel whale-like… she understood – and also understood the deep guilt over this whole thing. I mean jeez i was picking up injectible lovenox for pete’s sake! Which hurt like a sonofabitch last night, I might add.

So it wasn’t a banner evening. I did sit on the couch all night, watching TV which then makes me feel like a wasteoid (I could have knitted or something productive).

Anyway, I’m taking a break for a moment, to calm my busy day.

medical spreadsheet

it’s time for the annual medical spreadsheet. Yeah. fun. mmm. But unlike last year, when it was a rehash of miscarriages and misfortunes, this year it’s all about Dr. C, for whom I have warm, cared for feelings, and this pregnancy. So at least it’s not emotionally draining, and it may be somewhat less expensive. In the summer we trade the huge heft of medical bills for day care, so it’s an even-steven trade.

I decided yesterday that I am going to make a stylish diaper bag for myself. Not that we cannot use the Livestrong pack, but I also want one that says “hip mama”. And then it just occurred to me I’ll be an almost-38 year old mama, for the first time, carrying this bag. I don’t at first know how I would feel about this, but then decided that I would be the same person I was before. Stylish, and hip, and with this amazingly gorgeous baby. If i think I’m getting this kind of attention after she’s born, well I’ve got another thing coming. Together we’ll be a package – but she’s the real attention-treat from now on.

Which reminds me, I need to find the baby hat yarn and make the hat and some booties. Maybe a baby hoodie too.

the things, a few months ago, that I was upset about (not doing all the maternity sewing I thought I would) have really faded away. I am turing a lot more towards spring and her birth now. But since it’s late, almost noon, she’s sleeping. I’ve just eaten and she’s off her schedule. I’ll give her an hour or so before rousing her up.