Not wistful

Yesterday a colleague (granted, 10 years my senior, with an 18 yr old child) bought a big building. Big plans. 2 retail stores, her offices, studios, lofts. I also picked up our annual awards competition booklet (which I missed, too much for me right now). And what I felt most about these two things was not envious or even wistful (much) about the goings-on and comparing myself (you should be doing more) but genuine excitement and happiness for my colleagues. To be part of this thriving community – feels great.

What I felt most was realism. there’s a time and a season for everything. My season, right now, is growing this healthy baby. Yes, I’ll be back at ambitious work after maternity leave, yes I’ll be able to sit down with my partners and together set up a new vision for us in our new form in the fall. But no, it is not necessary that I step out and open a coffee shop (gee, I’m already working on one online business, and have ideas for the marketing biz too).

The problem is, I see myself as 18, not almost 38. Twenty years ago (twenty?) I was on fire. I had just won a national business plan competition, I had my life mapped out, and my future was so bright, I had to wear shades. Going back to that to give my professor the award (three years ago? two?) made me realize I hadn’t actually done what I set out to do, but I was happier. I never wanted to marry young, never wanted children, never wanted a small city life. But what I found was all of those things made me happy, much happier than the materialistic, driven life I had imagined at 16 (or 18).

So I’m not wistful. I’m just happy where I am. And secure that in five, or ten years, I, too, will be back on fire (maybe in a year, maybe even less?)

I’m still thinking…

…about the shoes. But less so. I need a couple nursing bras and a couple nursing tops to get myself started. But the shoes, the siren call…

This morning I’m savoring country peach herb tea. Well not herbs, fruit tea. The dog is snoozing on her chair. It’s quiet, though I can hear the hum of the house – the heat running, the dishwasher, the freezer kicking in. G. noticed I had a meeting today (presumably I’m dressed nicer, and I was putting on make up). My blue with black trim keyhole tie sweater, gray pants, black and white shoes. Black faux suede swing jacket.

Baby kicks pretty regularly now. She’s active right at the moment too. I feel secure that I’m giving her the best environment I can – I can do more – more exercises, more yoga, more relaxation. But by and large, I take no chances, take good care of myself.
But that weird tag on my nipple? Yesterday, first it got very dark, then it swelled up to twice it’s size. I’m afraid, Friday, it must come off. Uck. Not looking forward to that. today it flattened back out, but I’m afraid it must still come off.

Last night, after reading the sewing with a plan article on sz, I decided I have way more time right now than H says she does to sew. So, I spent 45 minutes in the sewing room just before dinner (G. went skiing) and hemmed the lining panels on the curtains. Just need to sew the edges of the yellow panels, hem those up and sew the lining to the curtains. Add buttonholes, and voila, really terrific, fully lined curtains for the baby’s room! i can probably finish all of it tonight.

Next up, the vogue cape I said I’d make for pregnancy. Finally. I have but a few months, but at least I can say I did one thing (never did make the Burda series. oh well). I’d love to say ‘next baby’ but realize that at, 38 or almost 39, I can’t do this again when it’s time. It’s been too crazy, too risky, too much pain and heartache. Who’s to say next time it goes like this? Nobody, but who’s to say it doesn’t end badly either. What I loved about the Burda series was that it was me – suity, stylish and european. But what I also love is that every month there are nonmaternity fashions. And the burda did come at a time when I had just gotten pregnant and I could at least allow myself to dream.

last birth class

We had our last class last night. We have a lot more practice yet to do butwe have time. i didn’t think we’d have this time, and perhaps by the grace of God we are here, the baby didn’t come early. 31+2, really remarkable.

I spent the last few minutes getting motivated by Christine’s site. My intention this am is to sew curtains. Look for a shower curtain for our bath, organize kitchen cabinets. Nesting? yes. I think so. But I’m also making a cape and a nightgown.
I have had to use the thick tummy honey this past few days, itchy tight skin probably means a growth spurt is coming. Now that I’m settling in to my new diet, I am starting to keep up with my weight again.

It’s supposed to be snowy tomorrow, so we opted to stay home, which is just fine with me. Part of this turning inward is that I’m feeling not cabin feverish, but cozy and snug in my home.

I’m swayed by those pretty shoes, by two knitting books (itty bitty hats) and the patterns from Christine right now. the hats, yes, i could see making them. Shoes? probably dont’ need, but oh so cool. patterns? again don’t need, maybe I’ll get them when I sew with her this summer. But I’m trying to save money – the baby will cost a lot.

So, off to my saturday. It’s the weekend, I’m very relaxed, it’s nice.

shoes

So three posts down I say “I don’t need anything more – clothes, shoes fabric!” and then at my fave shoe site, pony skin leopard print ballet flats. *swoon* Oh so cute with summer outfits. Purple pointy toe patent ankle strap flats. *swoon* perfect with work outfits – with socks now, barefoot later. And flat, my new shoe paradigm (since pregnancy, with my back and hip troubles). I’m holding off til next week to buy them, just to see if it’s a real craving or not. No sweets, but shoes…
So why this? why now? Can’t buy clothes – don’t know what size I’ll be to sew (big bust that’s for sure, a D cup).

I literally hobbled like an old lady to the bathroom last night. Geo said I waddled. I am hard on myself about this, but I’m carrying 30 extra pounds, all in front, no wonder my back and hips hurt!

Strategic vs. tactical

At the moment, I’m uploading new files to our corporate web site tester area. Will finish this before leave for sure. Tomorrow, upgrading and moving web servers. I feel almost, but not quite, caught up.

This afternoon, two sales calls. One is warm. A little research, a call to set up a time, that’s it. The other is fairly cold. I could make it warmer… I was feeling excited yesterday, then saw it on today’s to do list and panicked. But I got an email newsletter from a marketing pro who said ACTION is the key – call the prospect, communicate with the client. So i feel more motivated.

Besides the worst? they say no. the likely? I get a brush off to voice mail on the colder one. I think I have a darn good shot on the warm one. This year, since January, all of my calls have seemed much easier to make for some reason, not sure. More confidence? I care less about the rejection?

So what will my life be like in five, or ten weeks? I have no idea! Part of my recent daydreaming (focusing on the accoutrements of motherhood) is about reconciling what I know about myself (fashion, style, attitude) with what I don’t know about motherhood (nursing, reality of caring for a baby, time). So I spend a lot of time thinking about what I’ll wear or do, but not a lot about actual baby care – because I only have a semi-vague idea of what that involves.

a productive day

Yesterday I just about finished in the baby’s room. All that is left are my sewing machines, table, and some miscellaneous things to go in the guest room. We decided to clear out a drawer (the one I had my swim suits and workout gear in) and use THAT for patterns. Yay, just like the store, and so accessible. I’m so happy! Plus there is even room in our upper cabinet. Room! what a concept. After this, I can sew curtains and get both the bathroom and the baby’s room decorated.
I kept out two one-piece suits, a couple sarongs for summer. They should fit, and I could always buy a tankini – had some cute ones at target. We’ll see what my post-six-week baby body looks like. I know I’ll be about 15-20 lbs heavier than I was (I’m 30 lbs over my prepreg weight now), but with the right diet, some exercise (more of it after six week checkup), I can lose the weight by fall, I think. And this summer, i can sew some basics – a couple of nursing tops, capris and trousers. It’ll be a lean clothing summer, but that’s OK.
Today I have a meeting to review a web site. But that’s my major outing later. It’s supposed to be a balmy 35, and by the weekend, could be in the 50s, yay!

Today my commitment is to my exercise – morning ones at 9:30, yoga at lunch, afternoon ones when I get home from the meeting. I can feel the baby up higher now, almost to the top of my uterus (must be her butt). I feel knees and feet around my belly button, and hands, still down low on my abdomen. Her head is still down in my pelvis.

we picked out a stroller system we like after doing some research and will go to babies r us on the west side this upcoming weekend, to look at it. If Geo doesn’t like the colors, we’ll order the more expensive one he DOES like online. I added more things to my registries. I am almost done with that. Next up, baby shower invites/birth announcements.

plans

I think we all daydream about life with our babies. The yoga teacher says this is very important for pregnant women to do. So this am when I couldn’t sleep, I daydreamed. the floribunda top with the elastic, higher inner layer under the unattached bust band in a burgundy slinky. With raw edge ruffles and rosettes. Perfect. Chic, covers post-baby belly and suitable for nursing. Wide leg trouser jeans. Gold maryjanes. Baby in sling. I even imagined that the baby might like being in the sling when I sew, that rhythmic noise and my body moving around.

So on this happy note, I should go do my exercises and box a few things up in her room.

Emotional

Today’s been a day that I’d say is not overly emotional, but has deep undercurrents. We bought things for the baby’s room – fabric for two wall hangings. stuff to finish curtains. I’m boxing up books, which I don’t like doing, and going thru sewing stuff (same thing). At this point we’ve just gone to the ‘pack it up and deal with it later’ – and of course we’ve been doing the ‘later’ thing since December with the rest of our stuff.

I don’t need any more stuff – clothes, shoes, fabric, stuff! But I am trying to figure basic things out like where do my projects in progress for sewing go? baskets on bookshelves? is that safe? where do the patterns go so they can be put away? I had a momentary freak out but then rationalized just as quickly. This will be a priority for me – I’m just as passionate about my sewing as my work. I’ll make time. Naptime, daddy time, whatever. heck someone online said she sewed with her baby in a sling.

Maybe because I have limited time I’ll sew MORE, you know how that goes! You carve out the time in the chunks you have it.

Here’s what I imagine (and this ties in with a post from last year) is me, in a great pair of wide leg denim trousers, a rayon knit ruffle top (maybe something like the v-neck floribunda), a sweatercoat, perhaps the one I’m wearing now, a baby in a sling. A great pair of flats, like my antique gold maryjanes. I see myself, stylish and chic, with baby. Nothing separating me from any of those things just because there’s a baby, in fact, moreso because there IS this adorable baby.

So I should stop being emotional about having to adjust in that room that was mine, and is now hers. It’s ours. I’ll still spend as much time as she does in there. She’s moving around now. time for my exercises.

spring is coming

Yes, two posts in one morning. I just took a break for exercise and glucose measuring. Then I hopped on over to SB for the style treats (only treats I’m allowed right now). And I realized spring is coming. Not just yet, but the winter is over the hump now, only a little over a month til official spring. And about six weeks til my cerclage comes out. Which means, perhaps, seven, eight or ten weeks til YOU come out, my wee style diva.

It’s time for a snack, but the diversion to style treats was so fun for me, it feels not like a guilty pleasure, but real necessity for my psyche. To be the old/new me. All at once delighted to be pregnant, excited to give birth (but not just yet!) and happy that spring, and all the promises it brings – new baby, new life – are on their way.

dump it all out

I think since I’ve not posted here a lot that my psyche is cluttered up with stuff I need to get out. So let’s just dump it out here and sift through it later. First off, after call with friend J last week, I realized that I might want to take more time off this summer – maybe work til 3pm or take one day off each week all summer. I mean, the baby will only be little for just a short period of time, and when she gets bigger she’ll want to run and play with other kids. So that was the first sign that I’m beginning to focus inward.

Second, work is bearing down hard. Biz partners want me out of direct control o projects by end of next week. Realistic? maybe. By two weeks, probably. and then I will just work as they tell me they need things done.

I can feel the stress – my scalp is acting up, I have those weird spots that signify uterine inflammation (or what I think), I’m nervous about my labs next week showing elevated Nks again. So I need, this weekend more than ever to relax and do something fun.

But I am also slacking off on exercise, my sugars are rising, I’m not eating well, as I’m learning what I can and cannot eat. So I decided 20 minutes of yoga every day at lunch is essential. Also my bradley exercises at 1.5 hours after my meal, before my sugar is tested again. I also need to do (not just watch tv) something for myself every day – read, knit, sew, whatever, an activity. Baby is jumping around now, it’s her time to do so. She’s active down low today, probably hands, because feet should be up near or past my belly button.

these jeans are too tight, time to go switch them out. Today, busy day but all at home, thank goodness. Time to focus, get working and then relax as much as I can on my breaks.