Looking forward

I surfed the new HP site, and the had a yummy outfit called the sugar babe set. The top is an elasticized tube top (top and bottom, camouflage post-baby belly), the jacket is a vintage flowy drawstring neck tie, cutaway hem bell sleeve number. Pants are narrow elastic, wide, drapey pants. With my new leopard print haircalf ballet flats. Mmm. Chic mom that’s for sure. Baby’s doing great. Mom is very tired and coming down with a cold or something. Dog is behind me, defending, protecting me.

Mama needs a chic diaper bag. Time to get sewing this weekend.

stitches are gone

Today at my visit Dr. V. said the stitches had to come out. Dilated to 3cm 50% effaced, and she could feel the stitch in the open os. So, she took them out. I was in pain at first, fighting the instruments, but once I was able to talk myself through a relaxation, it was fine. I have work to do in labor. But I’m ready. I was a bit deer-in-the headlights after my office visit today but I am feeling fine.

I picked up another nursing bra, breast pads and the bottles without bisphenol. Just in time.

And my gorgeous leopard print haircalf ballet flats arrived. Perfect.

It’s been a good day. Scary, tumultous, but perfect. I am ready.

Another pretty late winter day

I can feel spring. G. is away for the weekend, so I don’t feel at all guilty it’s 10:30 I’m in my pj’s still, the dog is snoozing on her chair and I have no real desire to get up and do anything remotely productive. I surfed HP and CJ pattern sites (bought two at CJ, no shipping this week). I am not buying fabric though, I have too much to sew already.

Baby is rolling around a lot this am, and I’m conscious that my luxurious Sunday mornings are about to come to a grinding halt (at least until she’s been fed and diapered and put back down for a nap). I feel only slightly guilty I’m not going to church. I’m not sure why, maybe I haven’t yet found my way back to religion (though I have found my way back to a deep and comforting faith.)

I’m still mentally in the dog book I read this weekend. Dogs are such a part of our lives, and they weave themselves in to places you never think possible. I, for one, was horrified to see dog hair on friends’ coats pre-Zuzu, yet mine since, no problem. Well, slight problem. It bothers me but not enough to do much about it. I did decide next winter a houndstooth wool check Easy Coat would be on my agenda. With thinsulate (do coats not come with warm linings? Most of mine seem to be fabric with a rayon or poly lining and that’s it.) It would not show the hair, and I could send in her fur to spin – and make a hat and scarf in a gorgeous slate blue to go with the coat. That got me thinking about the wool double knit in the flare leg pants with my ‘blue grass’ poncho and maybe a teal accented peep toe. See it all comes back to fashion, doesn’t it? I laugh. I started this thinking about a keepsake from Zuzu. But the keepsake herself is snoozing on her chair and will want a walk at some point. Maybe to the park. or p-a-r-k, as we say it. I think she knows w-a-l-k now too. She’s got many years of a long and happy life left, and I’m positively joyous at having her heathy and normal after her accident last year.

The belly is itchy and I’m not as hungry at mealtimes, something I’m chalking up to a growth spurt. I felt the baby up VERY high yesterday, so either she’s moving or stretched out or bigger, one of the three.

I am so happy in this moment right now. quiet dog, snoozing. Baby moving, house cozy and comfortable, sun streaming in. A sewing project to do later. Or maybe, now.

seasons of our lives

I’ve been reading another in the series of dog books by the author Katz. This one is about his border collie, Orson, and like the other books, there are magical moments he writes about, and sorrowful ones. And interestingly enough, he talks markedly in the book about how this dog changed his life. I look at my own dog and I wonder the same thing.

I mean, I’m deeply attached to this dog, and she to me. She’s 8 now, and has more years behind her than ahead of her. but they are good years still. After last years’ accident where we didn’t think she’d run or walk normally again, and she’s fully recovered, it was a remarkable gift from God. I remember shouting to the sky one winter’s night, pick your fight with me, not her. But what I see was that he showed me how valuable she is to me. I needed her to get through my depression, I needed her in the early years when I wasn’t yet ready to go down this long road, but needed something to coddle and nurture from infancy.
As I’ve been on more rest, and she has not gotten from me her usual attention (Mommy, the giver of walks), I see how she’s become more attached to G. Which is fine, this point of transition for us means she needs to do that.

But it still makes me fervently make a compact with myself that I will STILL cherish our relationship, still be the giver of walks, still spend time with my beloved pup. The baby will be love in addition to.

And then this book, and these thoughts are making me very philosophical – about the phases of life. As a friend of mine and I had lunch, she talked about the life before her son, her son at home, and now that he’s grown and gone, her life of work between here and retirement. I’m just now, after almost 20 years together with G., entering that second phase.

I do know that I’ll have more dogs, but I will love Zu, a special place in my heart for her, forever. I don’t want to get all sad, she’s young still, and healthy, and we have lots of wonderful time together – playing at the park and the beach, skiing in winter. Yes, she’s gonna take some training as we both enter a new phase of our lives.

I’m now debating whether to hike over to the fabric store for the wood crates. It will be busy. I’m not looking forward to busy. But the sooner I get them, the sooner I can line them and put away baby things. And then sew my faux fur cape and contemplate summer nursing tops (floribunda with a twist). It’s cold out, but sunny and beautiful nevertheless. The dog is sleeping in a sunbeam on the couch. It feels like we’re on the cusp of great joy – spring, the baby, time together, happiness. Happiness I have been feeling for almost a year now (since May of last year). Do I regret the things that happened between my old friends and I last winter? yes. Do I miss them? occasionally. Do I feel better than I did last year? absolutely. So as I cross off another winter into spring I feel joyful, happy, light and carefree. I am not worried about delivery, I’m ready for motherhood. I’m ready to return to my former figure (though i’ve loved this lushness of pregnancy). I’m ready for spring.

So little time…

I find myself looking forward a lot more. Baby, slings, summer. I went to look at a day care, and was surprised, when a baby started crying (not hysterically, just a bit) in a walker and no one had yet picked her up. I thought, what if that were MY baby? It shocked me, actually, that I’d feel that way. Now, the baby stopped soon, but it was surprising, my reaction. I didn’t think they had a lot of playing space there, so I need to look around a bit at other day care centers.

I am looking forward to summer.  Long walks, sitting in the sunshine. Maybe doing a bit of herb gardening. the contractions are coming faster tonight. better go lie down.

spring sprung…and left

Well yesterday was truly spectacular, nearly 70 degrees! I wore sport sandals, not with socks in the house, but outside, with bare feet! We ate on the patio, grilled outside for dinner. Nice!

the baby’s room has me overwhelmed after all the stuff just got shoved back in there. One day at a time, one box, one basket at a time. That’s what I have to remember. I don’t know that we’ll have room for a chair in there, but I’d like a rocker. However, it would be easy to just come out here and sit in the recliner too.

As old man winter returns tonight, I’ll get back to my cape – tonight, pinning sections together for sewing. I’m tired so at lunch I’ll nap or rest if I can. And now, time for a snack (cottage cheese and nectarine wedges).

Holy cow, spring!

67 for a high today, woo hoo! It’s already in the 50s and gorgeous. Birds are singing. Sun is shining. Mom and dad left after a busy weekend. Dad did a bunch of honey-do things, Mom painted the nursery (which looks great). G. is painting the master bath tonight. I organized a kitchen cabinet. Tonight I’d like to sew (but yesterday I was exhausted for whatever reason.) Also, wash the baby clothes and new things Mom bought. And, of course, take the dog for two nice walks today to enjoy the sun and weather. Old man winter arrives again this weekend, bah humbug!

I’m just more tired these days, but generally, reasonably productive at work at least. My 3 of 4 and 1 of 2 nursing tops and bras came. I think it’ll be nice to have some things that are covered up. I don’t mind lifting my shirt at home, but while out…well I would prefer to not be a lactivist. The street sweeper is coming by right now, so you know it’s spring.

Baby’s reasonably active right now, I can feel her rolling her knees around a bit. It’s amazing how much they move with so little space.

It’s spring, I’m so happy, baby is due soon. I’m looking forward to her arrival, to spring and summer, to the baby shower, and to closing the door on an old life and starting new. Though when I think about it, I started new last spring, right after the retreat. That’s when I felt true healing. The quiet stroll among the cherry blossom trees feeling the peace and serenity, healing space surrounding me. I felt vulnerable but cared for, fragile but cradled.

doc sez 3 weeks

Three weeks from tomorrow she takes my cerclage out. She thinks it will be soon thereafter. I’m not an obstetrical expert, going with those plans. She’s switching me to heparin so they can reverse the shots if needed. Lx won’t let her do that.

Spring is coming. It’s bitter cold today, have on my cashmere cable poncho, but by Tuesday next week, 57! Wow! I guess I’d better get to that cape AND the spring jacket fixes this weekend. M&D are coming friday, cousin J’s shower sat, mom painting nursery sun & mon (I’ll wash baby stuff, sew, org cabinets in kitchen).

Dog is snoozing on couch, she’s been sticking close by, i wonder if she knows it’s getting near time for me to give birth. She’s incredibly cute, nose twitching in her sleep.

Am I nervous? little bit. Am I excited? seriously. I mean, three years, 8 months and finally, getting to meet our baby. Baby had hiccups this am as G. had his hand on my belly. Our daughter. Seems so miraculous, and amazing that we, together with a LOT of medical technology, and fabulous doctors, created this.

Looking forward

Yoga talks a lot about living in the moment – in motherhood, in life. And by and large, I think I’ve done a decent job of doing that since late spring of last year. Last night I dreamed I was in seeing Dr. C. and she said “you’re going to go any time, call your OB and get in to an appointment”. I then went around trying to get back to my OB to get an appointment. I’m sure it’s the fact that I know that I’ve got four weeks to go before the cerclage is removed. What I really want is a THB who doesn’t have to go to the NICU, and i think that cutoff is 35 weeks. So we need to get past that. I want to savor the quiet moments after her birth to cradle her, nurse her, look at her. I don’t want them to take her away. I even got George to agree to bathe her so they won’t take her away.

Which reminds me, I must finish my birth plan, my birth announcement and get the shower invites to the printer for a proof. Busy week!

I surfed the SP site as they’re having a contest where if you sew one of the T mag collection you might win a trip for two to paris. Now, I’m realistic enough to know I probably won’t enter the contest given the deadine (may 31) but it got me thinking about all the fun things in my stash to sew (both pattern and fabric). I mean, summer’s coming, and I think a pair of the lime green CJ flare capri pants are on my must sew list. I expect I’ll be back in a 14 (pattern) size after my belly goes down. I was a 12 before, so one size up would probably do it. And the CJ pants can be taken in the next summer when I’m back to my normal weight.

This looking forward to life with baby (the things I thought of were print nursing tops, a baby in a sling walking the dog in my lime capri pants). G just came in to sign me up for the labor day bike tour volunteer list and noted I’ll be private sagging (but not camping) him up.

So back to sewing the collection, what I saw was something parisian – wide leg pants, jackets, a trench, a scarf, a skirt. Perfect for some side street market on a spring morning. I could imagine pushing a toddler in a stroller, taking her to a parisian park to run around, while we picnic on fine cheeses, veggies and fruits. I mean you’d have to really plan ahead – a collapsable umbrella stroller, a backpack, but friends told me their child slept in a backpack in museums, where it was quiet. Yeah, you’d have to not have late evenings (but that’s good guide book time) and scale back, but it’s possible.

My first official craving

chicken wings. yes, indeed, hot buffalo style chicken wings. G. is headed out to a new wings place to pick me up a 25 pack of wings. Funny. I’m not sure he will admit to the staff (closing early b/c it’s spring break and students are gone) that he’s on a pregnant wife craving run.

I spent the AM with L. and the PM on the phone with R, my two closest friends. In between finished the curtains, G. finished the bath. things are looking nice. Sent S. another draft of her teeshirt. Tomorrow, some other sewing, something fun, Monday start with a fun meeting at a fabric store (ecommerce). but boy, I have work to do, and about 4-6 weeks left of being pregnant. Seems so short.

I have loved this time. It has been nothing like I expected (or perhaps wanted, but I say that only of the 4 years previous me, the now me is delighted). But it’s been wonderful. What will motherhood be like? I don’t know! Except the way I feel about her, as I feel her rolling around in my belly, is really extraordinary. A calm, quiet serenity. I can see her move. It is so remarkable! I could never have imagined how this has felt, it has exceeded my wildest dreams. I’m savoring every single day of every week I have left.