torn
Today I dropped the baby off at her new day care. My good friend L. was fed up, I think, and looking for a way out. I gave her one, and she seemed much happier. We are still friends. But leaving E. with someone new is always hard. Leaving her at all is hard.
I know, deep down, when she’s a kindergartner and off to school I will need something – something professional – to occupy my time. I’m not a lady who lunches, and I know no one here who sews (how on earth do we support two Joann fabrics? no one seems to sew!) I’d be bored silly between 9 and 3. And taking time off from a business is not an option. Working for someone else is pretty unpalatable right now too. So, now what?
Every day I get up, I go to work and I long for not having to do that. Sure it’s a huge luxury to not have to, and G. even said “maybe I’ll get a big six figure job and you can stay home” but that’s not a solution. I do want to work – and to put a career like mine on hold would be career suicide. So, I go, but I’m torn.
I have to laugh, at least the last four years were singlemindedly (some might argue foolishly) focused on one goal. And I got her. And now she’s at day care. So you see what I mean. I’m not sure there’s a solution – oh, there probably is – but I have to find it for myself. It’s my afternoon milking session. I don’t mind at all doing this. it’s not a big deal. I would not like it if this were the only way to get her milk, but she nurses great, so I don’t mind. All in all, that part of things has been great. I get sleep (enough anyway), she’s happy, it’s easier on all of us.
I laugh occasionally – I never parent-blog or parent-forum. I go to la leche league. My mom friends are all local women. It’s such a 180 from where I was – isolated, in solitary frustration, alone that it’s remarkable. I don’t have the same set of friends as I used to (except L. and R.) four years ago. That’s pretty striking. Not a single one. I miss not having a style friend, though. I never had a sewing friend (at least not in person, that’s what the web is for).
I long for a style and sewing friend here though. Maybe she’s even a mom. I do parent-sew-forum though. But it’s sewing. what I’m looking for, I guess, is connection. And I’ve rambled on far too long in this post – disjointed as my days have become with work and home being so vastly divergent. Torn.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)second time
I got my second IUD in two months. The first wanted to come out (dilated and pushed out after a month). hopefully this one stays in. They gave me a card today, though, that says that in 2017 it needs to come out. 2017 E. will be 10 and a half years old. Fifth grade. Fifth grade! I can’t even think that far, it is mind boggling.
But I felt good today, and I’m realizing more and more that the road, and the decision to go down it again, was long and difficult. And it may be too much of a risk to try again. but there’s that word, risk, and its not a word I am afraid of or uncomfortable with. I do take risks. Sometimes they don’t pan out.
I sit here, milking, making nourishment for my baby, and i think about her, soft, warm, beautiful. How it feels to snuggle her close at night and nurse her to sleep. It is way better than pregnancy, for sure. I forget how it was – frought with anxiety, stress, worry. Now, I just want to coast for a while – focus on my life: E.’s life, my family, hobbies, my business.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)smells like fall
It smells like fall out. That cool, dry, slight chill to the air smell. It’s almost time for long cardigans and scarves. I bought a nursing coat with baby wearing panel cover pattern. It also comes with a neck gaiter and baby hat pattern. It’s time for what I dreamed of – the baby in the stroller strolling to Starbucks wearing a sweatercoat, a lacy cami, and jeans. In fact, that’s my Saturday morning, I think. Or maybe my Sunday on my way to Mass.
Last week at my doc appt I let my true feelings out in a freudian slip. As Dr. V. slipped out the door, with my baby in her arms she said once again “She’s such a good baby. Are you sure you don’t want another?” And I said ‘I do, just not right now’. There. it’s out. And for good heavens’ sake, SHE of all people ought to remember how difficult this was for me. So there, it’s out. I do want another. Oh, it’s so seductive, to imagine the bloom of pregnancy without thinking of the injections, the surgery, the risks.
But motherhood is sublime. I feel like I’m in a hazy daze of happiness. I am working hard, tired, stressed at times, but when I see her, all of that melts away and I’m her mother, she my daughter, we are one it seems. At night when we cuddle, her tiny body curled up next to mine, I am beside myself with joy and appreciation of this bundle of blessings.
In fact, I think we probably look much alike, she with that milk daze, and me with the mama hormone haze.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)vacation is over
bah humbug. Vacation is over. Had a great time though. Got a fabulous hair cut at my mom’s salon (and a cute sweatercoat and some jewelry too). Spent copious amounts of time with baby, she’s just a little miracle. Thought heavily about leaving work to stay at home (I realize, this is the grass is greener scenario, really). Five minutes til I leave for E’s doc appt. I answered all the client e-mails and have done all I can for the moment.
As I reflect, I think of all the reasons to work – income, stability in case one of us has a bad year job wise, pride, self satisfaction, a place to wear nice clothes, professional development. And I think of all the reasons to stay home: give the best of myself to E., school her in language and arts, get the house whipped into shape. Sew. But then I realize I can do these other things while working. None of them is incompatible. I just have to focus on what is important in my spare time (E.) and not (TV or the web).
So, high ho, high ho, it’s off to work I go. Fall is coming, we’re in france in 6 weeks. We’re healthy, happy, employed. Life is good.
Filed under Everyday Life, baby | Comment (0)