chic
I tried on just about all the outfits I’m taking. I looked very chic – especially with my scarves, and my hair pulled back. I must remember to do this on the trip. Just about everything looked great on. Well, no everything did. I can feel confident I look my best. I can now focus on the other aspects of packing. And leaving room for souvenirs.
I’m picking up where I left off last night, and that’s pretty typical these days. But tonight, as E. and I watched the homecoming parade, I was overcome with tears. Of joy; she’s at her first homecoming parade. I couldn’t believe it, the little head bobbing up and down in front of me, snug in her bunting and pack.
Tonight I’m sitting down to do client work (at 10pm, yay) trying to justify for myself exactly why. Well, as I told my obstetrician today, I know why. I have a career, responsibilities to partners and clients. But she’s right, when you love babies, how can you not want to be with them 24/7.
Off to the grindstone.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)milking it
It’s my afternoon milking session. I never post during work time (I have too much work) but I try to do non work things while milking – as I discovered my supply goes down when I focus on work.
It’s a week until we go. Yippee (and uh oh, at the same time). E’s baptism was this weekend, and it was a special time, really wonderful. And then we both got colds, first E and then me (and with me, things just seem to hit harder than they used to). I also have a small lump in my right breast which I think is a plugged duct, but there’s a sense of uneasiness there. I’m getting it checked out at the doc’s office on Friday.
I think about my mother all the time. How on earth could she have left us? Knowing she was dying, it must have been agonizing. There’s a photo, of her, my brother (about Eyrin’s age now) and me, a toddler, all laughing. She must have known she was dying – it was the summer she died. I am not going to meet the same fate. Not. going. to.
Yesterday as I was at home in the PM with the (sick) baby, hardly any work got done. G. looked over at her as I was lamenting this and pointed to her and said “most important thing”. Yes, I have to remember that. I felt guilty then for feeling unproductive and not thinking of the most important thing. This vacation is going to be wonderful – two weeks in a vibrant, beautiful city and countryside. With my daughter – the one we worked so hard to have – and my husband. It seems almost magical, beautiful. Joie de vivre for sure. Milking it for all it’s worth.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)Is it a sign?
So today we got The Big Project. The big branding and marketing project that will transform our business – and us in the process. yeah. sort of a Wheeeee! and Oh Shit! moment rolled into one. a Wheeeeit! moment I guess.
Yesterday, I had a melt down moment of wanting to quit and be a mama, and today I get this big project.
So, God, is it a sign? Well, I guess so. I can’t say “uh sorry, changed my mind on this”. So after vacation, the plan may be to work a half day on Wednesday and she goes to day care part of that day. This would give me more time to be with her, as opposed to frustrated she’s not self-entertaining while I try to work. She’s six months old and has a Weebil bottom still. Self entertainment for more than 20 minutes is a long way off.
But in the interim, we plan for France. I have yet to sew travel pants #3 (but I have a backup option). I have yet to write a packing list (and it’s oh, 12 days away). Hey it’ll be fine. If I go with two pairs of pants I can buy one in Paris, right? But they are easy pants and my MIL is here this weekend so maybe I can sneak in at least a cutting session, and sew them in the evening next week.
I finished another nursing top (the cardi and the cross wrap). Haven’t worn either yet because, well, it’s SUMMER out yet! 85 tomorrow. Yes, 85. It should really be closer to 58 than 85.
As I veer back over to spending time with E. topic, I know twenty years from now that I won’t remember the client names, but I will remember that I didn’t spend time with the baby. Just keep that in mind. It’s never going to be a perfect balance.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)post, part deux
This is a post I wrote several days ago. And I’m sure I’ll write 700 times more. I am so conflicted. On one hand, work is so singularly unsatisfying right now, but on the other, not working is really unpalatable. There are so many fun projects I can think of that I want to do! Our web site, marketing newsletter, Sue’s web site, the pitch of a new prospect or two.
But here I am, looking for an answer. Do I go part time for a while? shorter days? Four days a week? The bottleneck is on my desk, and we’re facing the same situation now that we did a year ago, and a year before that. I’m the only web dev partner, people are worried about my upcoming 2 week absence (half my maternity leave, how pathetic is that). And I’m worried when I come home, priorities whacked all askew by the jarring that european travel seems to give me, that I won’t want to return.
Could I stay home? Depend on my husband? Give up my career/sense of self? I don’t think so. Could I work less? yes. Four days? yes. Can I now? no.
I need to give all of this serious thought though, as I’m feeling like I’m coming apart at the seams. Little things are slipping through the cracks. We’re not as sharp design wise, because I’m not doing design. Okay, I’m not going to say I’m the best, but I do a damn fine web site – and even I think we could improve. That’s the reason I’ve got these envious feelings of my competitors, wary and defensive attitude. Because it’s the sense of self within me that knows I could do better.
Maybe it’s the stars right now, but I really must get rid of this uneasiness. It’s got me on edge. I hear the baby. I’m fearful for her safety, I love her so much. I would die without her. I want to protect her, be with her and not be apart. Boy it’s a good thing it’s wednesday tomorrow. We need our day together.
I guess I should ask God, what do you think I should do? You always send me a sign. Help me listen.
Filed under Everyday Life | Comment (0)the joys of cashmere
Last night, between the rainstorms, I packed E. in the ergo and wrapped a cashmere ruana around us. Tucked in the end under the shoulder strap of the Ergo and made a little hood over her head. A chocolate brown cashmere hood over a pale peach baby head. I had a moment of what I’ll call extreme gratefulness, that I often get. I was just overwhelmed with the fact that walking along the street with the big maple leaves, and kicking the leaves, that this year, I was carrying my baby. Wrapped in a cashmere shawl.
It was sooo good, this feeling. Everything I do now is tinged with joy. Sure there are moments of exasperation, but by and large even the silly things that were an irritation in my day (rain without a raincoat or umbrella, the dog being antsy, traffic being slow and snarly) seem to be fading to the background.
I wish I could remember exactly what I was thinking as I got home and unfurled the cashmere ruana from around us, but I do recall what it felt like: warm, safe and happy. That’s really all that counts.
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