nursing clothes

I ordered a new nursing dress, two camisoles and a sports bra today. Used my gift card and a $10 off coupon. Nice! I like the dress, it’s a winter / spring dress and I can wear it under a sweater for really chilly days. With boots & tights. The camis are great under sweaters – or alone for our trip to Florida this winter.

I have sewing projects up the ying yang right now (that’s on my sewing blog) but the best thing I can say about that is I am sewing. I am really enjoying it too. And I’m about to start making things for E. too!

But tomorrow we try to beat a snowstorm up north and are leaving bright & early. I’m packed and ready to go. I have knitting, two pajamas to cut out (perhaps sew, if Mom helps me with the baby) and the internet camera to set up.

Five days of skiing, shopping and fun. It’s been a great vacation so far, I’m really enjoying life right now. Lots of time with the baby. Had a blast at Ikea with my friend and her son. As we both sat, nursing, in the Ikea food court, I realized how much we are alike, and I guess, after all these years (she used to be my employee) that shouldn’t be surprising!

Christmas comes and goes

And it was wonderful. Christmas eve mass (everyone went with me). Opening presents for Eyrin on Christmas day (the girl got some great stuff!) Mama got a cashmere sweater and two magazine subscriptions (threads and burda), a petzl headlamp for skiing. Daddy got the Easy button (no kidding) in his stocking, a cashmere sweater, a bike computer and will get new skis next week.

My fave commercial this holiday is the electronics that are falling out of the sky, bonking the family members. Mama comes in and finds baby bopping the Easy button over and over. So I’m making baked brie and I say “that was easy” and G. hits the button which currently resides on the kitchen counter. I laughed. It’s a good stocking stuffer.

Tomorrow a big trip to Ikea with a friend and her son who’s two months younger than E. Should be fun. Babe is in the Ergo, sleeping, just finished nursing. I’m going to pick out things for my Motherwear gift card and print out some photos.

it’s almost christmas

And three years ago I was ready to commit suicide. This year, though, I have the baby, who is sleeping in her grandmother’s arms. And the look on my mother’s face was really something. She looked how I must look when I’m nursing the baby – that relaxed, slow smile of extreme happiness.

sublime

Tonight I did an hour of yoga. Just before I was done, the baby woke, and I went in to feed her. So then on top of the good yoga relaxation hormones, I get the shot of dopamine and oxytocin and boy, it was a rush. When she latched on, I could just feel my entire body light up. It was amazing.

I totally can’t believe it. I feel so grand, so superb it’s beyond description!

Earlier this week I thought I might pursue a marketing cert (and I may) but then I realized that right now what I want is not that. I want baby time, want to be a mama, a sewing mama. Maybe pull up my handbag business out of the land of the languished. Ski, do yoga, bike on the trainer. Go to Florida and soak up some sunshine.

Right now I’m just high on endorphins. It feels really, really amazing. I need to do yoga twice, or three times a week (well sewing ought to be one night).

As I marveled at the beautiful little human we made, I hope I can remember that tiny body, stretched out standing against the back of the couch cushion, grinning at her daddy. When she’s 20 I want to remember that. Little black sweatpants with red ribbons at the ankles, with  a puffy sleeve red sweatshirt with flowers on it. Don’t let me forget how she looked, the curve of her beautiful head, her knees bouncing in excitement.

Oh I’m so beyond lucky!

snow dance

We’re supposed to get between 10 and 16 inches of snow tomorrow. YIPPEE. I’m doing a snow dance. BUT though I’d love to ski, I have a budding case of laryngitis. Today I stayed home and did nothing. Well, everything with the baby, but not much else. Oh I did design a christmas card, at least! I can hear her little squalks and squeeks on the baby monitor (playing with daddy). It’s a beautiful thing. And tomorrow, when we go get our tree (yes, in the snowstorm) it will be gorgeous in the snow. Baby’s first big snow.

Halleluiah. We have a baby. And it’s Christmas.

back to this old subject again…

I can’t let this one go (and yet, I was warned that this is the honeymoon stage – cute baby, engaging, not yet mobile…) But the sewing mamas online are all preggers again. Friends are preggo. And I think, you know if it weren’t for having to do all the crap – let’s see if I can create an acronym, Gonadotropins, Estrace, Progesterone, Ivig, Iui, Chicago, Lovenox, GEPIICL. Anyway, if it weren’t for all that, if, you know, we could have dinner, a glass of wine, sex and boom, a baby 9 months later, I’d do it again. But having to do GEPIICLC (forgot the Cerclage, oh it’s just surgery…) again, geez.

In many ways you don’t really overcome infertility. You survive it. You’re in remission until you decide to try again, and then, BAM, it’s back.

But I do recall the warnings – this is baby honeymoon, and I should wait until 1) I get my cycle back naturally and 2) she’s in her Terrible Twos before deciding. You know, when I’m pushing 40.

So, I just ordered a cashmere tee. mmm, a gift card. In a brilliant blue (I have all the other colors represented in my wardrobe, shockingly enough, and there’s a two-page spread of them)

Baby’s asleep. We had a ‘date’ at a new fusion sushi grill tonight, and she went with us, but still we felt like it was a date (goes to show ya how glad we are for this kid). I picked up toys flung off the high chair every ten seconds without missing a beat. And yes, I am one of those moms who can pull yet another new and interesting toy out of her bag mid-sentance.

Tomorrow I’ll be one of those moms who can wear high heels, skinny jeans and a slender sweater and look uberchic. I hope I run into someone I know, like a client.

I am one of those moms. I am a mom. Wow.

in a perfect world

we could just let ‘nature take it’s course’ and wait for a baby (never mind I’ve had the LONGEST and most spinnebarkt CM ever this week – and no cycle has shown up since I got pregnant in 2006). But we’re not like everyone else. That’s russian roulette. Will they be good embryos? will my body go into fight mode and kill them off like a wayward tumor?

So I have a little copper device with fishline strings that keeps me from getting accidentally pregnant. But then that forces me to make a decision – and people are asking, now that the baby is  8 months old.

Just let me enjoy her. Be her mama. I’m  not ready to emotionally sacrifice this time by forging ahead. People don’t get it – it takes a HUGE amount of emotional energy to draw that back up again, go to Chicago, more tests, many more drugs. Hey i can still FEEL the injections I gave myself twice a day for what, ten months?

I found a single vial of Gonal F in my cabinet the other day. I didn’t throw it out.

But I’m loving what is the now part of now. Not worrying about my cycle, forgetting I was ever infertile. I don’t forget the miscarriages, but they are shrouded in a foggy gray mist.

What I am doing, right now, is holding a sleeping 8 month old in a sling, drinking a beer, and goofing off at my computer. She moves slightly, her hands up at her cute pink mouth. Oh baby E. I love you beyond words, beyond measure, beyond time.

Feminist. Revised.

So, I used to be a feminist. Well, I still am (that is a woman who is interested in advancing the cause for women). But what I mean is that I used to be pro choice to the point that I might have stood my ground against picketers at a clinic. But now, I’m really not sure. I said this to a friend several years ago, about how I didn’t want to take sides, but I do want to tell women who are thinking of ending their pregnancy please, there are women who are desperate for that baby you are carrying – that white, healthy baby you’re carrying.

Just when did this happen? When I realized how much I wanted a baby. I had this notion, when I was pregnant that I just wanted to be pregnant – that parenthood would grind me down and leave me thinking I’d lost my life. Quite the contrary, actually. I feel so rich, so full of life that people tell me I look better than I’ve ever looked. It shows – as my obstetrician said “you look FANTASTIC”

Yes, yes, I do. And parenthood – not just pregnancy or birth – gave me that. I love looking at my baby girl, seeing her face light up, her mouth wide in a giggle as I nuzzle her neck. It is a miracle – but it’s not just the pregnancy  but the parenthood that has me feeling like this.

Hubs arrived home with dog and movie. Date night at home, if you will.