it’s been 11 months

We finished our birth class at the end of february last year, and our little miracle was born a month later. Unbelievable the year has gone so fast.

I posted for the first time on fertilethoughts. I paid it forward and gave tx codes to a woman who is trying to get her IVIg covered. It’s hard, sometimes, to remember how hard it really was. I was exhausted, driving every week took it’s toll on me. I was nervous, we almost lost her, it was so risky.

I went to the Addy’s the other night, saw old friends (including a warm conversation with former friend), it was nice. But I felt very disconnected. So much of this year I was out of the loop. I feel like I’m back, but boy, it’s been a LONG time (years) since I felt ‘back’.

My fussy IVIG success is in the Ergo – she just wouldn’t go down for any length of time tonight. But I did sneak in a shower (without hair washing), a cup of tea, and some time at my computer at least.

I don’t feel fabulous – I’m coming down with something and trying really, really hard to not get sick, so I’d better go get some rest.

cry it out

My SIL doesn’t AP. I realize a lot of moms do not. I read online today about a mother who let her daughter cry it out for an HOUR until she learned ‘night time is for sleep’. When she was a tiny infant. And this mom’s theory is valid. But it literally made me feel ill to think of my baby crying it out for an hour, alone, in another part of the house. So that’s why we AP. Besides, she’s happier. My little confident crawler and climber knows mama is there for her.

So, too, breastfeeding. The mom blog post was “I suppose I could have gone to LLL or found a LC to help”. Uhm, yeah, that’s what they’re there for. Besides a mom who *only* knows pump & feed doesn’t know  how easy it is to nurse. No bottles, no warming, no pumping to feed. Just roll over and offer a boob.

It’s a different philosophy. But I do, at least, know in  my heart I’ve given my baby what she needs. Mama, mama’s milk, and confidence to explore her world. In return, I’ve gotten a closeness through nursing I never thought possible. Last night, as she nursed for hours straight, just starting into my eyes, I thought, wow, this is intense. THIS is what I felt when she was in utero – and this is what I feel now.

This morning I have on trendy cropped pants with boots. A purple tunic length sweater, a black leather jacket, and a skinny belt. Which is much too large for me now. But I look chic. I’m tired, and I finally did the calendar thing with baby care with G. last night. I just got sick of him not realizing that four hours between saturday and sunday when I wasn’t actively watching the baby was ‘enough’. He doesn’t get the idea of parental supervision, so we assigned nights to do this. I will still play with her, but I don’t want to be saying, every ten seconds, ‘watch her while I…..’

Last night he ’supervised’ while reading the paper. she crawled into the bathroom, down the hall, started climbing her toy basket…yeah. ’supervise’. Right. Let’s face it, if mama’s not happy, nobody’s happy. I have to start with this calendar thing so he gets it. And maybe after that he’ll realize what I’m talking about.

Yay, jeans that fit!

I went to my favorite consignment shop yesterday for an  hour. I told hubs I needed pants that fit, after taking eight pairs from my closet to storage yesterday. I have a few more that are headed their way too. So I got a cute pair of bootcut jeans that are perfect length for flats (these are the ones I have on now), two pairs of dress pants – one in pinstripe charcoal (flat length) and one in pinstripe black that are heel-length. Then, I got a pair of brown tweed cropped pants to wear with boots. And, a cute kelly green corduroy jacket, a pair of wine short shaft boots, and a pair of dangly earrings to match my coral sweater. It was a great haul. I felt fabulous leaving there – the service was top-notch boutique and I felt cared for, for the hour.

Plus, we went skiing, and though I broke my sewing machine (it needed it’s annual service anyway – it’ll be back next week), I have projects I can do – namely cutting out the babywearing coat. All in all, it was a very  happy day. Since I’d had a big blowout at hubby thursday night about his help with the baby, this was needed. And, Friday he bought me flowers. I really have to do my part too. Men feel loved if they have sex, so I have to make an effort. Now that we’re working on having the baby down for a decent nap and early bedtime with some consistency (it’s starting to work) I think we can do this.

Since hubs won’t do it, I have to call the baby sitter and schedule a date. Dress nicely, in a dress or skirt to show my legs and cleavage. Get hubby to know that I still do love him. I did have the ‘he’s the father of my baby and a good provider’ apathy moment while driving to work, and I think that scared me a bit. I would hate to be a single mother. And lose my best friend.

On the style front, I feel fabulous. I do need my hair cut (and it’ll have to wait a bit, since my stylist is now up north). I think in the interim, I may go get an at-home glaze kit to spark up the tresses a bit. I think I have a terrific wardrobe – the old stuff is gone, the too-big stuff is out for the season, and I’m loving my tiny frame. I even thought about ballet again. Maybe this spring.

can’t find the baby

Last night I dreamed I was looking for my baby. It’s shadowy, i can’t really remember the dream, but what I remember in the morning was feeling like somehow she’d slipped away from me a bit durning the night. My first thought was maybe she couldn’t breathe and she did, in fact, really slip away. But that’s crazy. Or is it? Perhaps she merely unlatched. You see, yesterday, she wouldn’t eat at lunch. Not interested. But when I got home she ate for forty five minutes straight, and again every hour, pretty much all night long. She wouldn’t unlatch even though it was just human pacifier.

I am grateful, oh so grateful that breastfeeding works for us. It’s the first time my body’s done something right (well, except keeping her in for 35 weeks five days with a little help from Dr. R’s two good sutures). I shouldn’t discount my body too much – I gave birth to a six pound four and a half ounce baby – a good baby by anyone’s standards, but positively enourmous given my prior obstetrical history.

I digress. Breastfeeding works. I googled more nursing tops from a different line (boob) yesterday and liked what I saw. But they’re pricey. I could sew some, but then that takes time, and I’m behind on projects. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.  I’m the mom of an almost one year old and I’m thinking I need new nursing tops. That rocks. Will I ever have another baby? who knows. But THIS one is nursing and I think mama would like a few more tops.

When your doctor invades your dreams

the other night I dreamed Dr. C. had opened a ‘regional office’ in Portage of all places (she’s a city girl, Portage would be hell). My SIL who actually is pregnant with a girl, was pregnant with a boy, and she also saw my doc (no reason to, she gets pregnant easily). But why now? after all this time? In the dream I was pregnant – but didn’t feel it – and when asked about the gender of my baby I said hesitantly “girl” but didn’t believe it. Because I wasn’t. It was very odd.

I wish I could get this out of my head, really. I have a GREAT life right now – I have purposeful work that I’m enjoying, I have a gorgeous 10 and 1/2 month old baby girl. I’m 38. I have a handbag business that needs to get dusted off. There’s  much sewing to do. But yet, I can’t shake the old feelings, the idea that if I don’t start right this minute, my fertility will be over. I don’t even have my cycles back yet, so what am I worried about? Honestly!

This is one of those areas that I need to do the mental refocusing. To point my head and my heart in another direction for a little while. Stop lamenting the what ifs and the maybe somedays. Life is to be lived right this minute. As I pump (thank god my body didn’t fail me in the breast feeding department) milk for my angel, I think how lucky I am. She’s such a blessing!

reality bites

We landed in snow. Lots and lots of snow. And seventeen degrees. It was sunny and seventy six yesterday. At the beach. Yes, I know why we don’t live there – the traffic, housing prices, family. All the things we love to do are done easier here. But boy it was HARD to get off the plane. G. is out in the shed finishing a coffee table for us. I unpacked and am taking care of baby. Tomorrow I have my usual afternoon off – lunch with the girls, possibly skiing with E (if it gets sunny, it’s too cold to be out with her even in the covered sled). But I’m GLAD for the covered sled.

the keys are

flip flops. a breezy sundress, aqua water, palm trees rustling in the fresh breeze. the grocery store in Key Largo that always reminds me of vacation. I’m fighting my type A personality disorder right now. Must. do. stuff. I should be really grateful right now – the babe is asleep, we are on the couch in our suite (suite!) and watching discovery channel. Which is funny.

We have just spread out. There’s a four-person table in our suite, and it’s completely covered with stuff. We’ve been in this room exactly six hours and it looks like our house. So clearly a bigger house doesn’t mean less clutter, it means more ROOM for MORE clutter.

But my type A personality must take a rest now, after I look up a restaurant online for dinner tomorrow.

sunny and 84 degrees. on feb 6

Yes, we are in the Keys, in Islamorada, at a lovely suite. It’s beautiful here. When we landed, and the first waft of warm, briny salt air hit me it was overpowering. Knocked me over in a flood of emotion. I love it here. I almost wrote I want to move back, but the life of living here wasn’t easy – and would not be good for a kid. But boy, it’s seductive. So incredibly so.

We drove late, late down to Florida City, and then today, to Islamorada. I have been antsy all day, like I need to be doing something. I looked like crap too – the flu this past weekend, coupled with two busy work days, add in a very late night and insomnia. I took one look at myself in the mirror and decided, no, I needed to sit my fanny on a lawn chair by the pool and chill. 

I still feel antsy but it’s getting better. Tonight we had a lovely dinner but fussy baby,  but there were other fussy babies there (boy I love the good old US of A, family friendly that it is). Other places tout family friendly (and don’t get me wrong, I’m for a year of maternity leave too) but here even if you go back to work at six weeks, damn if you don’t get not only a high chair but every staffer to learn your baby’s name and talk to her as they walk by. I left a big tip.

Anyway, baby went, amazingly, down in her peapod with relative ease. We had pie, maybe even a date tonight. Since there is nothing else to distract me.

I have to disgorge all this restless emotional energy though, so that’s why I’m blogging first. Get it all out so I can really relax. Tomorrow, maybe a trinket shop or two, some more time at the pool, possibly a nature hike. Or just more time at the pool.

There isn’t any pressing thing I must do or have.  And, I brought the right things to wear – not what I envisioned, but it’s working out perfectly. In my book, wardrobe success is success.