Happy Birthday Baby!

caaaaaake!

My baby turns one

She slipped from babyhood into toddlerhood at 12:03 am. G. was up at 12:09 and thought about her birth. I kissed her little head in the wee hours, as she snuggled and nursed. We are so blessed. She’s such an amazing miracle. Sometimes I just have to pinch myself to realize that this is my real life now. I’m so happy! And at the same time, I recognize it was not that way just a few years ago (and there will be trying times ahead for sure.)

But for now, in this moment, I am  happy.

I look at the photo montage hubby made for me, it hangs above my monitor. Twenty face photos plus her name in a 16 x 20 poster. A lot of them in the little red striped hat we got her in France because it was so cold out.

I look at the sleeping minutes-old newborn photos on my desk. And marvel at the last year. The tiny red newborn I took home, to the big happy 1 year old who will smash a cake tonight!

Amazing. It’s transformed both of us.

it’s almost here!

E’s first birthday! Where’d the time go? Let’s see – 4 weeks of maternity leave. Two more months of 20 hours a week at home – where in between work I’d go to the mall with friends and babies, go to mom and babies yoga, go to mom’s groups. Sew. The summer flew by – trips to Toronto, Wisconsin, up north, Chicago. Fall, her first Homecoming, my birthday, her christening, and our trip to France. Thanksgiving in Chicago, Christmas at home. Skiing up north. Florida in the winter, a few more trips up north. And finally, tomorrow.

At 12:03am my baby will snooze into toddlerhood.

I am a bit sad to see the baby year go away. Oh she’s not going to be any bigger or less chubby and cute tomorrow, I know this. But the baby year is over. I won’t miss colicky nights. But I will miss those wee hour feedings where I could see the pale light of dawn, and felt connected to all mothers, everywhere, throughout time. Cuddling my tiny baby close, her tiny red newborn head, in the quiet, and warm hospital nursery, just me, E. nursing, and the ticking of the clock on the wall. Rubbing her fuzz-covered back, listening to those tiny chirps and squeaks of newborn sounds. Oh I almost cannot remember what those sounded like.

She was so tiny, but my little fighter made it to almost my 9th month. A miracle, indeed.

My little peanut, you may never know just how much I need you.

Back to work

Yesterday we were home sick – I’m not better, but better than yesterday! I stopped and ordered E’s first birthday cake. Yes, I’m getting used to it. she’s wearing 12 month clothes, but she’s still my little peanut though. She’ll be one whether we celebrate or not, might as well celebrate!

I spent a lot of time this past week going through my old blog entries, reliving a lot of my past. Not in a bad way, but sort of an analytical way. We have come so far – and have so much to show for it! Yes, there are things I regret about the process – that I waited so long for help, that I got so bad that I would even attempt suicide and that I intentionally harmed myself (on more than one occasion). But the rest? I don’t regret it. I think it was necessary. For what? I’ll never fully understand, but I think I needed this trial-by-fire to understand what I was made of, and how strong I could be. So I’d relish the moments that even try our patience – like the other night when she was wailing and neither of us were helping her as we should have.

She’s my baby, my precious baby. I miss her terribly right at the moment, but I know she’s having fun at day care. We were talking about summer – T. will take her and the kids to the park, the splash pad at Hawk Island, and other fun places. Mama will take her to the Aquatic center on wednesdays. Yes, indeed, summer WILL be here – despite the gray skies. cold temps, and SNOW forecast (yet again).

so different from last year eh? in so many ways! Even just that statement above – that there is a future. Last year I was afraid to hope that she might live. This year, I expect it. What a difference a year makes!

It has been a fantastic year – on so many levels. I was watching her peer into her diaper bag to see what she could find. Her cute little girl face (not just the baby face) and chubby hand, poking inside to pull out such fun things as spare diapers, outfits, socks, toys and blankets. Concentrating. Curious. It’s better than I imagined it would be, motherhood. I just hope that she will sleep tonight, instead of the fussy wailing we’ve had for several nights straight. I should take more vitamins for both of us. It will do us some good.

Mama needs to take care of herself. I’ve not done yoga in months. I am sewing and knitting which is good. But mama still needs to take care of herself better. The swim classes are fun, having a chance to be in a swim suit and flip flops in the winter. Wait it’s spring. But you wouldn’t know it!

Two years ago…

I was having IVIg just before a failed cycle – and just before the cratering of a good friendship. Has it been two years? It seems like a million years ago…and just yesterday.

Today as I walked the babe and the dog I realized this past year since her birth has healed me in more ways than I could have imagined. I was broken – for a long time. And motherhood transformed me (in the way that it does every mother). It has given back much more than I could ever have possibly imagined – from a deepening of love, to an insight into my mother’s life…and her death.

This past weekend I sewed – a lot, perhaps even too much (is that possible?) but as I get back to my normal life (and on occasion, peek into my former infertile/recurrent loss life in blogs and forums) I realize that even the sewing is a sign that I’ve returned to myself.

My baby turns one this Friday. I will look back on this year as one amazing year – with many, many more amazing years to come.

I turn outward now – focused on my business, my baby’s first steps, the summer to come. A plethora of sewing projects waiting in the wings.

Life is indeed, good.

A year ago…

…I posted this:

<It’s been a good day. Scary, tumultous, but perfect. I am ready.>

Dr. V had just taken out my stitches. I was surfing the hot patterns website for the tube top outfit, and  I was ready to meet my baby.

And here she is, asleep in the Ergo, both of us smelling a teensy bit like milk, a bit sweaty, but happy. I could actually sew like this, and oweing to the fact that she has a cold, I probably will have to. But I can’t be moving furniture with her in the Ergo at the moment. Besides it’s still early.

Anyway, as I post over in the sewing blog about projects to sew it occurred to me that the things I love about the sewing (and the blog) are the possibilities. Something that isn’t there that I can create. I love that.  And just thinking about creations – even if I will never get to them all – is really fun for me.

I hear the birds outside. They know it’s spring and are probably just as irritated we got four inches of snow last night as I am. I’m ready for winter to be over. Though I do admit it’s beautiful. Clinging to the tree branches, frosting the houses with a blanket of white.

I’m still more than a bit tired, but I’m up and might as well be doing something by myself, quietly. Yes, I have the baby, but I also have my hands free, and she’s no burden snuggled up in the Ergo.

I have had another series of dreams with Dr. C in them. Last night I dreamed that I was 17 weeks pregnant, there was a problem with the pregnancy said Dr. V. and I went to chicago seeking Dr. C’s opinion. She said the same thing, that IVIg would not help this, I’d lose this baby and have to start over. I don’t recall what I decided but I remember the feeling of having to lose another and starting over. It wasn’t good. I do remember crying in the dream. Sometimes I wonder if these dreams are meant to tell me something. And am I listening? Sometimes I need a whack over the head that’s a bit stronger, so if I have more dreams, that’s a bigger whack. Although you cannot trust them entirely – I once dreamed I was pregnant and in the dream I realized I would never be pregnant in real life. That, of course, was not true. I was very MUCH pregnant, this time last year. On the cusp of a new life, both of us.

snow?

No kidding. I had a dream two weeks ago we were going to get 3-6 inches of snow in spring. And 4-8″ are coming!

I’m sitting next to E. who is eating oatios – she had both boobs (though not much on the second side), an entire bottle, and then one boob again – now she’s having oatios and banana. At day care she said that E. ate all the four bags I sent, PLUS one of the frozen stash bags I left for the other baby! My little piglet!

I posted some other fun stuff in my sewing blog about tube tops for summer. And I ordered fabric. I have been going a bit nuts on the shopping lately. Not sure what that is about. Money does not buy happiness unless I buy for others or so say the researchers. But I’ve bought make-up, fabric, a new nursing bra, a magazine subscription all in the last few weeks.

Finally a little belch from the piglet to my left. She may finally be done with her meal(s).

Oh I wish it were spring, but alas, old man winter is not giving up the ghost yet.

lost memories

I got word this PM that my drive is unrecoverable. {heart stops beating for a second} yes. indeed. Pregnancy photos. baby photos. sewing designs. handbags. Original creations. Thank god I do have my baby journal (mom has a copy too, and I printed one). But I’m surprisingly calm – however, I feel the emotions are just boiling under the surface like a volcano, so it’s not good. I’m holding it in amazingly well.

And all of this just after an evening last night rehashing whether I should get pregnant again. Stop! I have a one year old child who is not weaned – and I don’t want her to. Rehashing the past – which I am fond of doing, is a waste of time. I can’t change the past. I cannot control the future. I live only in THIS moment. And this moment says I have no backup, I have to see what I can recover, and further, I have to take steps so this doesn’t happen again. And as far as getting pregnant again, that’s a whole separate issue. And not related to losing my pregnant photos despite what my irrational behavior may say.

I’m on edge because of all of this, and I should be kind to myself. Take it easy. Regroup. Make plans to download sewing stuff, backup photos off camera that I have now, DVD the ones on Geo’s computer and the backup drive. And acknowledge what is important is not just the photos, but how I express the memory of the experience to Eyrin. She might think the photos are tacky or gross. But telling her I loved her pregnancy is what she needs to hear – and I need to remember.

It’ll be OK.

On to the other issue – having another baby. I have one baby right now. She needs her mother intensely still. I need to BE STILL on this issue for this year. Revisit this when she turns two. OK? can we leave it til she’s two? I think we can.  Just focus on this year. This moment, this child. Anger wells up in the back of my mind. Anger at every friend who conceives easily, who plans a second baby around a calendar, makes a date and does the deed. But this is what my life is about. I cannot change it, and in particular anger makes it worse!  Acknowledge the anger, the frustration. But breathe deep and let it go.

It IS spring!

My daylilies are poking up through the earth – tiny spring green shoots in a brown patch of dirt. How wonderful! This time last year I was awaiting not only spring, but the birth of E. I was ready – my classes finished, my work almost done. I was ripe. And the day that I went into labor I remember thinking, I may not be pregnant much longer, I should savor it. Indeed.

Has it really been a year? I haven’t planned a first birthday party yet because I’ve been reluctant to let this year go, this first magical infant year. Next year is toddler year and while it will be fun, it will not be quite the same.

My little peanut is sleeping in her stroller. I went out for coffee, an art gallery exhibition and book shopping with a friend. Stopped to get pierogi, Grandmama’s comfort food, at a local restaurant and just finished dinner at home. The baby looks so amazingly adorable. And a lot like her father when she’s asleep.

I ordered beauty products from the swiss firm that I used to have a consultant discount for. Figured I’d reactivate it, and start using some of the products. I liked them and they have a nice baby care line (along with an acne care line). How cruel is it to have acne 25 years later? When I never thought I’d have it? Frustrating.

It normally doesn’t bother me, and in truth, the bigger things I see now are my hands (looking old – I added a rejuvenating hand cream to the order) and my eyes – of which I already have an eye cream from the same firm. My hair is done up nicely (at first I didn’t like it, but it’s growing on me, and I get lots of compliments on it.)

Anyway, I am taking care of myself. Tomorrow, my goal is to do some yoga, move the sewing table, look for a foldable stool for it and organize the baby’s room. If I get a chance, I will certainly try to serge together the body panels of the babywearing coat.

Spring is coming. But winter is still upon us for at least a little while. Today I wore a comfy winter outfit – my dusty rose crossover nursing top, purple long sweatercoat, brown cords, and a green beaded necklace from Grandmama’s stash. I have on the cloisonne heart necklace I wore during the baby’s pregnancy. As a reminder of what we managed to help bring to fruition. She’s such an amazing little miracle.

Grandmama, I know you never wanted me to have kids, you having been suffering the grief of losing your only daughter to cancer, and two estranged sons. But I think my mother knew about what I’m feeling, this amazing devotion to this baby. She told my dad to take good care of her babies. Oh, it must have been excruciating, to know she was going to die and leave her tiny children here. I never knew how that could feel. E. I promise I will never leave you. I promise. When I’m old, and it’s my time, you will be ready to be without me. But for now, I promise, I will never leave you.

wound up

I feel all wound up tight, ready to explode. Going to my chiro helped at least get the tension out of some of my body. On many fronts, all the problems of the last few days are fixing themselves one by one. We have good financial news. There’s a lot of work to do. I’m excited about marketing. So on all of these fronts things are fine. It’s just my stupid hormones that are causing me to look through a lens darkly.

I need to step up and take responsibility – and action – to change my world. If I want to sew, put the sewing cabinet in the living room – and leave it there. G can move it if HE wants to.  If I want to knit, put the knitting bag in a safe spot behind the bookcase, and get to it when the baby naps. If I want to bead, get out the bead box and put it on the table and get ready to fix some jewelry.

In reality, I make a lot of my gripes sound bad, but they are not. I have a beautiful almost one year old baby. I think that her impending toddlerhood has me wistful and sad – that this year has gone way too fast. I was mad yesterday at that. At not having more time with her. And then the silly pressure from day care about the food thing. I’m NOT ready to wean. Her doctor says she’s fine (and I’ll get a note from him at my appt).  I’m doing this at the pace that she, and I, want to.