I have turned a corner

Today a friend of mine announced she’s pregnant with her second (our firstborns are 2 weeks apart). And it did not bother me a bit. In fact, I was excited for her, and glad to not be in her shoes right now. So that means I may finally, FINALLY have turned this corner of loss and grief into a new life. A totally new life.

Though one with the same darn narrow feet. I ordered two cute pairs of shoes, and both, even the 8N brown peeptoe espadrilles were ginormous. Damn. Oh well, I’ll give another brand a shot and see where it leads me. If not, I’ll live without, I guess. It’s not like I’ll be barefoot this summer or anything!

The baby is nursing and napping. She really should not be napping, it’s evening, but I’m grateful for the time to do something quietly by myself. Though she was quiet, nursing, on the walk that we did at the dog park. Hadn’t been there, it’s really nice. But the dog got disgustingly dirty, and I hosed her off as best I could, but clearly she’s gonna need a bath, with soap!

She did, however, have a blast. Raced around with other dogs. It was a gorgeous day, sunny and 60 degrees, I wore my babywearing coat again.

do you have to like your family?

Geez I hope not. My SIL asked us NOT to come up north on 4th of july. We’ve gone up for 11 years straight. What the hell else are we going to do? And the reason? Because they need all available rooms and they don’t want our dog there. So. There you go. I’ve had insomnia for three nights straight with all of this stuff going on. I just don’t know what to do or say. I ignored her e-mail for a few days. She sent it again, this time with different excuses. I replied but only curtly.

I’m just so over all this family crap. Really. G. never talks with his sister – and she likewise. It’s just so stupid. I had once thought I’d have a second child because E. needs a sibling, and I’m just not sure that’s the case anymore.

But there’s a lot of emotion wrapped up in this weekend. We walked the Race for the cure, and though it was just the two of us (E. and I) we never walk this race alone. I said a few prayers to my mother, and some thanks for her help in getting my babe to me.

I will digress for a moment, I started and almost finished two projects – the tank top and the pants. But what frustrates me is I didn’t read or understand clearly the instructions, and yet I forged ahead, and got the stuff wrong, which made the finishing not exactly how it should be (not bad, but more loving hands at home than I’d like). I’m just mad at that. Mad at myself. Frustrated. Tired.

I’m working hard at it – signed up for ASG stuff, picked out some topstitching, hoping to fix the finish so it’s better. But it just makes me mad and I want to redo the whole thing. It doesn’t look BAD, just not polished. Sigh. I’m so mad at myself right now about it.

I put away the table, I am not sewing tonight. I’m on the verge of tears, knowing it’s not the sewing, it’s the entire weekend piled up on top of me – all the emotions from Moog dying, to the race and it’s meaning, to my SIL and all the emotions wrapped up with my Former Friend. I’m just tired, I guess, and not able to deal with it.

But I am glad of one thing – that I’m focusing on casual wear with my sewing. It’s less pressure. And that’s OK with me. Casualwear and handbags. And I will get better, I just need to read closer, slow down and not feel so pressured to sew fast. Sewing slower in shorter intervals is actually better.

a mixed weekend

We lost our beloved family beagle, Moogie, this weekend. He was struggling for weeks – unable to eat well, throwing up a lot. I was hopeful – and they even did a kidney flush and he seemed better – but then he turned downhill. My mom is grieving really hard. She loved that dog something amazing.

So, Friday afternoon, as T. and I sat in our artsy fartsy historic district looking at the blooming trees, having lunch outside, they were preparing to take him in. At 3:30 as I was chatting with former friend and her business partner, he was gone.

It didn’t hit me til later, when I was in the dark, nursing the baby, rocking in the chair. I remember when he was a puppy and we came home from Florida for a vacation. He practically jumped up my leg to get to me. And then, later, with the little doggie stairs as he curled up on his puffy quilt on the couch.

Zuzu is the last of the family dogs. First, Chops and then Hogan, then Lander, now Moogie. Zuzu is asleep on her bed most likely (baby’s in bed too).

So it has been a mixed weekend. I’ve been so happy to be with the baby; we had date night out at our favorite brewpub.

My uterus is crampy tonight. Not doing all that super terrific. I hope all is well and I’m not getting worse. I am taking my meds dutifully, twice per day. I do not feel bad like I usually do with infections either.

I signed up for the ASG conference in Chicago in July. My friend Sue (southern Cal Sue) is coming, and we are taking an afternoon class together on Friday, and then on Monday we will have lunch and spend a bit more time together. On Sat/Sun the baby and I will go to the beach, and fabric shopping. It’ll be nice.  Not too long of a time with the in laws. I only did one day as it was over $200 between my ASG membership and the classes.

And I don’t need a tour to go to Vogue Fabrics

Is it an obsession?

Had the mom & baby yoga day. Had my IUD removed on Friday. Not really intentional. It came out on it’s own. But I was glad it is out. I’m on the super duper 4 week dose of antibiotics (just how bad IS my infection?) and having a followup appointment in a month. Doc asked me if a surprise pregnancy would be very bad. No, just a surprise miscarriage. But she did say it is possible to save a pregnancy if IVIg is administered right away. How soon right away has to be for me, is my wonder.

So is this just an obsession? If I had never had trouble would I be thinking like this? I am not planning to sell the maternity wear. I put baby clothes in the attic intending to get to them again. It’s crazy.

And on the other side, I bought a ton of nursing patterns to sew. And then on the other side of THAT I’m envious of my friends who go away on girls’ weekends without their kids. That last one had me scratching my head. I can’t imagine being without E. for that long. And yet there’s a part of me that wants this too (can’t, not while nursing, of course). It’s silly! I want to nurse, I love nursing, and yet I feel this pull, to have “my” life back. And I want another baby. Am I crazy? any time I have for myself won’t be my own any longer.

But I promised myself I would not think about it. We had a fabulous weekend – work at the sail club (not much work, but work yet to come), the yoga babies party. Lots and lots of walks in the sunshine with Zuzu. I prewashed fabric. I am going to trace patterns tonight. Two little girl dresses and a mama dress for my Mini SWAP.

I try to imagine this life – me, baby, hubby. I try not to obsess about adding to this insanity. I pick up my diaphram Monday. Abstinence seems to be working (but it’s not a solution to our relationship, and I think we need to address that before it becomes a problem.)

It’s been a good weekend, spring is here, my closet is swapped, baby is adorable, dog is cute and energetic. Life’s good. Hubby will be home in time for last two swimming classes this week.

Why I love Vintage

It’s no surprise I love vintage. From the 40s and 50s styles of Old Hollywood Glamour, to my grandmothers costume jewelry. I even love Victorian lace and garments inspired by a simpler time. I’m not about the big dresses (except as nightgowns), but a cute top with an edgy interpretation of lace ruffles or flowers is all me. Why? I don’t know. I just think of channeling my inner Kate and think how elegant – and put together – that time seemed. I know the hollywood actresses were primped by professionals, but these days we have Paris and Britney. Of course, we also have Nicole and Angelina, but neither of those inspire me either. It’s really Kate, Marlene and Joan that do it for me. and I find that I’m intrigued about things that others have owned – it’s actually better for me to own something used than new – I think maybe a piece of that person’s spirit stays on with me somehow. Now, I do love to sew, which is crafting new from something that wasn’t there before – and it’s challenging. Taking flat fabric and melding it into a 3D garment. I sometimes overlook the talent that it really does take. This week has seemed long – I didn’t take my half day.

how far the journey was

Every now and again I think of the journey and how long it really was. Today I was listening to a folk rock song on a local radio station with these lyrics:

I’m gonna love/
I’m gonna believe/
I’m gonna dream/
I’m gonna roll up my sleeves/
and give everything until there’s nothing left to give/
that’s the only way I know how to live/

And I thought just how appropriate that is to my life. I just don’t know how to live any other way. And we succeeded – at great personal cost – but also at great gain.

So I’m very happy the way things worked out. And I’m eternally grateful for the lessons learned. I found true friendships, amazing joy, and, at last, peace, the name of my baby in gaelic. The key to those lyrics starts with love though. It’s not judgemental or derisive or even cynical. It’s big, unbridled, unselfish love. That’s what I have to take away from this.

But the journey continues. Every day my baby grows – yesterday she started saying her version of Zuzu, the dog’s name. And of course she regularly says hi, bye, mama and baba. though I’m not totally sure it’s not nursing she wants when she says mama. I’m trying to teach her some signs. The other day, twice, she repeated “more” to me and so I fed her more of what she wanted.

more patterns

I sewed the babywearing coat (which came out fab I might add), and bought a few more patterns. But I think that the web site needs more modern mamas, so when I’m done sewing, I’m going to send them some new photos.

I am going to alter the sizing (use extra smalls and 3/4 sleeves), alter the designs (high hip for tops, lengthen the cardi) slightly and make them in chic fabrics from my stash.  But when I’m done I think I’ll have some chic new looks for nursing the baby!

And that brings up nursing the baby. I intend to nurse her for at least another year – but a friend of mine who has a 2+ year old who is still nursing – sometimes they have other ideas.

Will there be a second baby? I don’t know. But I’m sewing for now. Here and now.

we have a niece!

Arabella Kay. I haven’t seen photos, but by all reports she’s doing well. Mama and baby are nursing (thank god!) My wish for them is they get off to a fabulous start nursing and my SIL can get over her fear of nursing in front of anyone but my brother.

My little nursling is being put to bed by her father, so I have a rare moment to surf the Hot Patterns newsletter again (I skimmed it earlier.)

We had date night with the baby at our favorite brewpub (mama had an irish stout). We do this almost once a week – just like we did when we used to hang out by the bar and drink pint after pint for years. And these were the conception years (our favorite bartender – who has since left – was the first person to know I was pregnant with my second pregnancy because I declined a beer.)

Anyway, it’s a lovely time, this new niece having arrived. It makes me want to do it again! But I said I wouldn’t make any decisions until E. is weaned.

Date night was fun. I enjoy the fact that we get out with our baby. After all, we just integrate her into our lives and go about our days. I think in part that’s what makes us who we are. We are this way. We’d have been this way no matter what. Tomorrow, bike trailer and baby. Hopefully the new e-bay tandem arrives on Monday.

swimmin’

We go to swim class twice a week. It’s still cold out, so being in the pool in the warmth of the indoor natatorium is nice. She loves the pool. Dunks her face and head on her own too! And I love going to do things with her – seeing her face alight with excitement, watching her little legs froggy kick (she’s not going to be a freestyler that’s for sure). It’s better than I expected, this parenthood thing. Oh sure we have our moments, but I have never regretted what we did to get her. Not the money (almost forty grand), not the years lost, not even the friendships lost (my rationale being if they were true friends they’d have hung in there with me). And in fact, I look back on it as a trial by fire. Like forging steel, you have to smash it a lot to get it to mold into the shape you want. I think the marines uses that too – we’ll break you down until you’re not the person you were, and then we’ll build you back up. Yeah. like that.

But, I digress. Swimming.  With our baby. Pinch me!