weekend musings

I mowed the lawn tonight and put away laundry. As I did so I didn’t think “I need to get rid of stuff, improve the yard, whatever…” I thought ‘I need a new house’. So I’ve already shifted to the new house mindset.

The baby, now 8 hours since her nap, is resisting bedtime. So I put her in the Ergo where she can’t go anywhere. I’m getting complaints but she’ll acquiesce eventually. I can’t believe it – my night owl, no sleep needed toddler.

crabby strikes again

I’ve been super crabby for a week now. What is up? If my cycle, when will it come to a head at least and let me be in peace? If not, what gives? Part of my issue right now is probably sleep – none of us are getting good quality sleep. Part is an increased workload (but I don’t feel particular work stress so maybe not).

I have to focus on what I can do on my own life – my reaction to clients, projects and prospects. My response to stress. How I care for my physical and emotional body, getting enough me time, devoting enough time to the baby. One could argue that I could never devote enough time to her, but she needs to explore and learn while just being around mama. And I have to remember everything is cool and new to her!

She’s nipper napping in the Ergo right now, there are dishes in the dishwasher, laundry in the washer, and I made the bed. I cleaned off the kitchen table so I could piece the Janina pattern together and cut a muslin today. That’s my goal.

And I decided maybe Thursdays should be me night. I’d like to get out of the house and decided I could take my yarn to the park, a coffee shop, a LYS and knit for an hour. At first I thought about shopping, but I need consumerism like I need a hole in my head. Knitting on the go is a much better idea for me. So I’m off to suggest that – hubs gets Wednesday, I get Thursday. It works.

My mind wanders as I try to get her to fully go to sleep. Do we need this house? Could we stay here? Would we regret all the years we spent crammed in here? Would we regret our financial freedom? Would it matter? We are rich in so many ways – our health, this beautiful child I’m cradling, our doggie, hobbies, work, friends, family. It’s almost mind boggling how rich we actually are. And you notice I omitted the bank accounts, which are healthy by anyone’s standards.

Milk and honey

I posted this earlier, but forgot to save! This morning I managed somehow to leak milk out of the pump bags onto my lap – thank goodness for black pants (and my chair eventually dried). It’s just one of the sacrifices a pumping mom makes.

We looked at the house, and besides 10 years of honey-do projects (all of which fall on my husband) we felt we could get a better house for the money elsewhere. Specifically, the new developments in the block-grant area near the elementary and middle schools. I’m surprised at myself – we like the old houses, but we don’t particularly like the work. As G said “while I like woodworking, I don’t like doing plumbing, or tiling or whatever”. Yes, I agree. I’d rather sew than tile my kitchen unexpectedly.

So, we’re running some numbers, see where we end up.

and another thing…

here’s a stupid reason to not buy the new house: I am nervous about affording it solo. Why? after finally getting comfortable and not feeling like I’m two steps from bag lady do I do this? Friends have me nervous. Divorce after long term marriage. Why do I think this? I love my husband – we both understand this time is weary and not offering us enough connection (sex) but at least enough friendship (biking, eating out with the baby). So I worry that I’ll not be able to afford this house until I realize, not only will I get to keep it, but in fact, I’ll probably get paid to live there. If. Geez, why do I even think that?

Clearly it’s time for date night and a heart to heart about where our passions lie.

stalker

I’m stalking the new house. ( almost said MY instead of THE, but that’s another part of this post…) I had to pick up portfolio materials from city hall (sigh, we cannot seem to wrest any work out of the city because it generally goes to that other design firm who has a lock on it).  Anyway, I digress. I have driven by the house four times in a week now, and tonight, we see it for the first time.

I have waffled on this so many times in my head. But this morning, my horoscope helpfully suggested I stop bantering the pros and cons about, and just go with the flow. Don’t be afraid to make change. Look, the known quantity (there I go again) has me unable to invite friends over, even to the point of embarrassment over my small and messy house.  Bigger does not equal cleaner, but at least it would give us room for storage!

In fact, this is what it said: Decisions don’t need to be as hard as you make them out to be, Ann You are apt to feel a strong force that is pulling you in a clear direction, so don’t resist it. You will only drive yourself crazy by trying to list all the pros and cons as to why you should or shouldn’t go the way you are destined to go. Make things easier on yourself by simply going with the flow, instead of letting your mind interfere with constant chatter about why you should resist.

So, what if we like this house? What if it’s not too hideously expensive to maintain and heat in the winter? What if the taxes are not too egregious (they will be, it’s East Lansing, but we’re used to our Swedish lifestyle, LOL.)

Then, we go from this quiet summer to one of a flurry of activity. I’m not sure I like that idea, but I know that sitting still doesn’t DO anything – the world (and this opportunity) will pass me by no matter what I do. I can either take the wave, or let it go by. But, like waves, another might come along – it might be better, it might not be.

I think about all of this. But I feel, in my heart, good about looking at this house, good about feeling unnerved about the possiblity of change. I would even suggest I am instigating this upheaval!

You  know, my life is not perfect if all my ducks are in a row I must upset the applecart.

So last night I thought about knitting, spurred on by a newsletter from LYS about fall trends (cables, sweatercoats, belted sweaters! *swoon*.)  Why don’t I knit more? It’s a perfect late-evening weekday hobby. Baby’s in bed, it’s quiet, soothing and easy to pick up or put down. I think I’ll knit more! I have my eyes on a sweater coat twinset for fall, in the aubergine sweater knit with gray knit edging. It should be very nice. I’m making it very maxi-length too (hey, I can always cut it off later). And nursing style too (again, I can remove the underlayer later, I’ll sew it in differently, like how I did the CJ twinset).

Occasionally I feel like I’m alone – still nursing a toddler, a knitter, a sewist, with no other friends locally that share that. I am glad I joined the ASG, I hope to go to a chapter meeting (probably lots of old ladies, but I might be surprised!) I wonder, sometimes, am I the only fashionista sewist, knitter, 38-year old mom of a nursing toddler in the area? How does one find like-minded mothers? what am I seeking?

I am very proud of the fact that there is NOTHING on top of my sewing cabinet right now. Nothing. Just a nice piece of furniture. But in a few minutes, voila!, I am sewing! This makes me happy in a way I cannot describe. I have *just* enough. To keep me busy, to keep me going, but it’s not spilling over and paralyzing me against taking some action to sew or knit.

And if we did get this house, a lot of rooms would be sparsely furnished (thank god!) could we keep my mother from bringing us stuff?

more is not more

I have two tabs open in my browser – one is to the pattern for a cool bag that I may try to draft myself.

The other is for a new house I’d like to see (must contact the realtor). Okay, done, requested an appt. Will follow up with her in a few hours.

I find this interesting. But it begs the question, when is more too much. We need a larger house – we are bursting at the seams, and hubs wants to buy a big trailer for our bikes for pete’s sake! That seems crazy (a couple thousand for an eyesore in the back yard is what I say).

So, on the flipside, buying another pattern isn’t want I need, but SEWING a handbag most certainly IS what I need. In fact, I have no desire to buy RTW right now, I really love sewing! And I have so much stuff in my closet, in bins, in boxes, on hooks – from clothes to accessories to shoes, I have ENOUGH. But sewing gives me the newness that I crave.

The only drawback to this house is it is farther from the elementary school than I’d like (still biking, but not walking distance). It’s about equidistant to the 4-6 elementary school though.

The babe is in bed napping. I’ve had lunch, and should go off and do the dishes before she wakes – probably 45 minutes or so – to feed again. It’ll make me feel better to have a cleaned up kitchen.

I need to keep reminding myself more is not more.

Good days

Yesterday we hooked up the trailer, hopped on the tandem and took a 25-mile bike ride in the country. The sunlight streaming over pastoral fields, a mama deer and her fawn in a forested area. It was picturesque and beautiful. And as we pedaled those miles, the three of us, it seemed the world was perfect. Everything I’ve ever wanted. And there are no buts coming either. It was. Just. Perfect.

I think about all that has come before in the last four or coming up on five years (five! indeed! started trying in the fall of 2003) and sometimes I just have to pinch myself. It is. just. perfect.

Tonight we rode the bike to dinner, and through a nearby neighborhood with some homes that we might be interested in buying. We need a larger house (okay, not NEED. want). I waffle. Some parts of me really want to consider what we have – an energy efficient home, a good home, sturdy, well-built. But then there’s another part of me that wants to have more children. Yeah, yeah, I know, I’m halfway (more than, actually) to 39 now. But who cares! I won’t be the first forty-something in a fertility clinic! I’m not naieve. They may not be my eggs. Though I’d try, first.

It was father’s day. G. worked in the shed all afternoon. I holed up with babe, we are all coming down with a light summer cold, darn it. But it was a good day. A beautiful day. An enjoyable weekend.

feeling isolated

I went to LLL. The younger moms all know one another – and I feel like an outsider sometimes. I don’t  hang around with them outside of the group (they do), because I work. And, further, I’m the only one of the Yoga moms who IS still nursing. So I’m feeling on the outside. I think I’m just having a woe-is-me night. I’m tired (again), a bit nauseous (again) and have a big presentation tomorrow that I have to be ‘on’ for. Not sure what I’m wearing yet either. Something cool, it’s supposed to be 87 and we have to do a walking tour. I’m thinking black silk pants, a lime green top and my beige pinstripe fitted jacket with some fun lime green jewelry.

The baby care has been wearing on me. Eyrin is super high need lately (and I was sick Monday into Tuesday). I feel burnt out in some respects. It’s bothering me. She’s finally asleep in the Ergo and as soon as I feel its safe, I’ll go put her in her crib.

The truth is, I don’t know WHY I’m feeling like this – I barely have time for the friends I DO have (S., K., L., M. R. and yoga moms. And the friends I could have (S. and A.)

It’s just a woe is me time I think, nothing to worry about.

under the weather

All week I’ve been under the weather – nausea, vomiting, etc. And I briefly (okay, not so briefly) thought I was preggers again. I even tested! But I’m not. I am feeling super crappy though, going to bed early, no energy, the works.

But since I was contemplating the scary possibility of having another baby, let’s explore that. First off, for the record I would like to have another baby (okay, so that’s out in writing). And if it were easy to do, I’d do it. Of course, it’s not easy for me – it requires driving to chicago every week for months, $16,000 or more in immunological testing (thank god the meds & services are covered) and surgery, not to mention bed rest again. So I don’t undertake that lightly.

Contemplating having to do all of that right now was deeply unpalatable. I even googled breastfeeding and IVIg! (usually contraindicated, except for those with MS, but it’s also contraindicated in pregnancy too!) My baby is STILL a baby – she still nurses 5 or more times a day! And I’m not ready for that next step, frankly.  I am being very selfish- I wanted to have E. be the only baby for a while. Watching her this morning, toddle around in her yesterday-outfit of a onesie dress, I thought, yes, just one for now is all that I need. Not forever, of course, but for now.

She needs her mama desperately now – and I’ve heard that their nursing needs will stave off a pregnancy IF they continue to nurse a lot. Seems mother nature was smart – if baby needs to suckle (and uses no other suckling), mama doesn’t get pregnant again.

So this is a good development, not being pg right now. But it was seductive – how easy it would be to have intercourse once and boom! end up pregnant. You know, like the rest of the world does it (save the 5% of infertiles). And have it stick, too.

I banged out a great new design for a client meeting today. I’ve been noodling another option for a week now, and came up with what I think is a pretty good one. I hope she likes them!

bittersweet blessings

The week ended sweet. But it began bitter. A work friend’s wife died over memorial day weekend. She was 30, died suddenly of an infection, leaving behind my friend and his 2 year old son. Two! I went to the memorial on Thursday. When he walked his son up the church aisle, I cried. When I looked at the beautiful photo of he and his wife on their wedding day, I cried. They finished the slide show with a video of her and her son together, probably a year ago. It was so sad. I can’t even begin to know how it must be to know you’re dying (if she even did know) and leaving behind your baby and husband.

On Friday night we went out to dinner, as we sometimes do to our favorite brewpub. And watching our toddler daughter run around on the deck, and husband chasing close behind, I was overcome with tears. It was amazing, beautiful and I am so, so grateful for the blessing of our lives. So grateful I can hardly express it. Love was just squeezing my heart.

A year ago December 2006, when I was sedated, strapped to an operating table (at 23 and a half weeks pregnant), while they tried to save my pregnancy and my baby, I was imagining seeing my toddler daughter’s face peeking from under a sun hat, just like I saw her this weekend. THIS is what I wished for! It was so hard sometimes to keep the faith (I believe) but I saw her face in my mind, and seeing it this weekend, oh, it was pure bliss. I am so blessed.

Today we got out the tandem and went for what was supposed to be errands (JoAnn Fabrics, Radio Shack), but ended up being a 17-18 mile bike ride. We started down the River Trail and got to the Zoo, decided to go to my office. But since the River Trail is winding, bumpy and somewhat unsafe for a 14-foot bike-and-trailer combo, we rode home the ‘long’ way – north, out of Old Town on Turner, up over on State and down on Coolidge to the Northern Tier Trail. It was a great ride – the babe did pretty well too – fell asleep from the River Trail to my office, then awake but reasonably happy through town to about five miles from home. So she’ll get used to the whole thing. I filled her chariot with her puppy that sings songs, her squishy cell phone, a soft book. But she played with her shoes. She had her travel napper bunny neck support that I made her, which was essential, and the strap covers, also essential.

We pulled up in front of our favorite brewpub again and had beers and a snack on the patio overlooking downtown East Lansing. It was a perfect end to a great weekend.

I even had a chance to sew a bit – I finished altering a pair of white canvas pants I’d made several years ago, finished the HP Sugar Babe pants in off white linen (kind of a glacial white), and converted a skirt in to a full tunic camisole. I have the straps left to sew (wide enough for a bra).

All in all, a great weekend, and a wonderful end. But all of the undercurrent of this weekend seemed to be that I was racing to cram in experiences – a saturday night barbecue with friends (and babies!), and staying one step ahead of the demons that haunt me sometimes.

I am so unbelievably grateful for this life. I never thought I could feel this good, four years ago. Never. When I nearly committed suicide in the early days of 2005, I couldn’t imagine ever feeling so good my heart soared. Never. But here I am, it’s a beautiful start to summer, and I am grateful. Blessed.