No excuses for NOT being healthy

So today, I took vitamins, I went for an hour long walk downtown and back, and plan to go for a mini-ski/dog park session with the doggie after the babe wakes from her nap.

Someone on the GBC mom’s list posted a great article by a natural doc on eczema, which identified allergens – specifically food ones – as potential triggers (for me, I know, it’s stress, too). But since the acne AND the excema are both inflammatory, which is impacted by insulin levels, I need to be better at reducing my carb load. I don’t think I’ll do the complete diabetic diet (there has to be room for cereal and fruit in my life) but I can try a bit harder to not eat crackers and breads.

Truth is, this is all in my power to change. And maybe by doing so I normalize my NKs. I still hope they’re vigilant against cancer, but I’d like them to accept a pregnancy. Yes, I’m 39, but I hope, I believe, I will have another baby. And it’s within my power to down regulate my immune system by living healthy.

Let’s start right now, shall we?

So many posts on stress!

I only went back to November, and there are half a dozen posts about stress. I have to change things.

So starting yesterday, I bought a bunch of new vitamins (stocked up, nothing really new per se), I walked the dog and the baby for an hour, stopping at the park. Today I walked in the (rare) winter sunshine, with the dog.

My commitment to myself has to happen on a number of levels – spiritually, emotionally, physically and immunologically. I’ll finish up the probiotic I have and take more (and give some to the babe too, I’m told it helps kids who are in day care). I’ll spend some quiet contemplative time each day (blogging counts) to reflect on my day, I’ll get exercise every day. I’ll switch my diet from animal based to plant-based. And I’ll spend time with family and friends.

I want to live to 100 and if I’m going to do that, I have to change things.

Still nursing?

I signed up on a web site for milk nursingwear, coming soon. One of the questions is baby’s birthdate or due date. There were only 2 years listed. 2008 and 2009. So either you’re due this year. Or you’re not *still* nursing a toddler who might be coming up on her 2nd birthday in 2009. I put 2008. But it got me thinking about their marketing a bit. What’s the assumption here? that someone with an almost two year old wouldn’t be interested in nursingwear? I felt myself get a little irritated. But who cares, if it’s cute stuff and I’m still nursing they don’t have to know it’s the toddler…

Tonight I put a too-large vest I’d sewn (was I that large? ever?) in my maternity stash of clothing. I decided, standing in that section of my closet that I DO want that. I have no idea how to go about doing that. Okay. okay. You can stop laughing now. I know, I know if anyone knows how to get pregnant, it’s me. I realize this. But I meant how to get from here, now, to there. That’s the part that I don’t know. When I did think I was maybe pg over the last 10 days (just some stomach ailments), a lot of realities came into view. Having to go to chicago, immediately, driving there every week all winter. Another cerclage – right around the time of our trip. The possibility of loss. I put that out of my mind – after all, we succeeded wildly and we know JUST what to do this time, right? So I started thinking of all the good things. Sewing maternity wear. Preparing peanut for a sibling.

And then this all is wrapped up in financial considerations. Yes, I know, that’s silly – but it costs almost twenty grand just for the immune testing and treatment. And we’re saving our pennies for a new house. We’re trying to take advantage of what we think is a once in a lifetime chance to really, REALLY get a financial leg up in life – buying a big house at a steal AND a low payment, AND funding the whole shootin’ match with the rental from this house. Imagine that for a minute – this house is paid off in four years. The rent on it would pay for – with some leftover – the mortgage on the NEW house at the current interest rates (and who knows if that crazy new rate will get passed). It could literally transform our lives, to be able to live, essentially, rent-free. I’m thinking that money could well fund another pregnancy. I could have my cake and eat it too.

I sound greedy. Gluttonous. And all I’m trying to do is have a second baby. Silly, to think like that. Having children is hardly greedy.

The Nursing Fashionista

I admit, when I started nursing my baby, I bought a lot of new clothes. Mainly because I wanted to nurse easily. A friend had given me a Motherwear catalog when I was pregnant. Along with some advice. I took both. But unlike my friend, who favors clean basics and no accessories, I wanted to step it up a notch. So I’m taking the time to write a few posts about being a stylish nursing mother. I’ll cross post them to my style/sewing blog too.

At the moment, I’m a nursing mother of a toddler who is 21 months old. She nurses almost every two hours or so – crazy, yes – and she’s taken to sticking her hands down my shirt if I am not fast enough in getting her nursies when she makes the sign for them.

But the problem isn’t that – it’s that she’s 21 months old and the world isn’t as up on the benefits of extended nursing. So while we’re home on long holiday weekends, I’m indulging her fancies, but I know when we get back out into public again, it is not quite as accepted.

Today’s nursing fashionista post is about a way to extend your wardrobe. I own about four nursing tank tops which I think are incredibly versatile. I am wearing one under a gray rib knit cardigan, with a matching gray/gold/black scarf (my neck gets cold) and a pair of silver and gold dangly earrings. I have on slim black corduroys and if I were venturing out, my furry lace up winter boots.

Fortunately the scarf is a distraction while nursing, because the earrings are tempting. She’s been pretty good about leaving them alone lately, though.

Now, we’ll get more into why I dress so nicely (it’s comfortable) at home, with no plans to go outdoors at all. Frankly, I think sweatpants are for when you have the flu, or are, well, exercising. I do wear yoga pants as ‘after dinner, after bath loungewear’ but that’s as far as I go with them. I do wear them to yoga, of course.

If I look nice, I feel nice. Does anyone care that I have on jewelry? no, but I do. And it’s just as comfy as sweats, only a lot nicer looking. I could answer the door to one of my neighbors if I needed to. I can crawl around on the floor and play horsie, I can roll on the bed and play ‘bounce’, and I can still answer the door and look decent. Okay, the shearling slippers, maybe not. But they ARE warm! (and FWIW, I think Uggs are for the house…)

I always think of Mary

As I go to bed on Christmas Eve, I always think of Mary. Young – some say she was a teenager – pregnant with her first child, in a strange place, probably without a midwife. She labored, probably for a day or two, while traveling, and gave birth in the basement stable of an inn. It was probably warm, in the hay, with the animals, but it wasn’t the best of circumstances. Further, Mary knew that she was carrying a special child – and she probably felt both the joy and the burden of carrying – and caring for – such a baby. But in the end, once her labor was done, and she nestled in her makeshift bed, her newborn at her breast, she probably felt a quiet peace, and that, I am sure, made it all worthwhile.

I know I feel a special kinship with mothers everywhere. There is so much to being a mother, that I never knew.

It’s been a great day – the sun is shining, Eyrin opened all of her wonderful gifts from grandma and grandpa(s) and from us. She’s napping quietly now. It’s a good day. I’ll take them for a sled ride to the park when she wakes and we all have lunch (in my NEW winter boots! YAY).

Yucky

I’ve been feeling yucky for a week now. last time this happened i thought maybe I was pregnant again. But morning sickness doesn’t start so soon (six weeks, generally) and my bbs are not as sore as they should be for someone who’s pregnant. I’m chalking it up to stress, and am looking forward to my last hour at work today before I leave to go home for the Christmas weekend.

I intend to come home, and crawl in bed with the baby who will hopefully be just down for her nap. Snuggle under the down comforter, facing each other, she’ll probably latch on for her nursies. And fall asleep. When I wake someone else will have prepped the turkey for Christmas eve dinner.

I don’t think I’m pregnant, though I am always open for a miracle. Ironically, I want to save my last HCG test that I have stashed away. Why? I have no idea, they DO expire, after all. And this was one of the many, many that I used to buy during my years of infertility and loss, so it’s probably expired anyway.

There’s so much fun yet to come!

We just met with a new client – a local well-known retail sports store – a new web client! I think of this client, and another new one, a sewing pattern designer, and I think, these are FUN projects! So much to look forward to. Yes, I’ll be working more this holiday season than I’d like, but it’s a GOOD thing. I’ll have some R&R time as well.

I am wearing my long underwear and nursing tank tops under my business clothes almost every day  now, it’s been so cold. I have to knit some wrist and hand warmers for my desk, it’s getting so bad. Doesn’t help the upstairs furnace went out (thank goodness for a dual system) and there’s a major draft at the back door just outside my office, either.

It’s just been COLD (and that down coat I bought? So glad I did that!). My fur lined fun winter boots are under the tree waiting for Christmas morning!

At our client’s store they showed pretty oatmeal wool heather tank tops with princess seaming. While I don’t have oatmeal, I do have heather gray, and there should be a wool nursing turtle on my list this winter. I’ve got some lightweight wool jersey I think that might work. I’ll have to prewash and test it to be sure it can be washed though. So much FUN yet to come! From sewing to client projects, I’m excited. Ski weekend over New Year’s. It’s going to be a great year!

You can tell I got some rest last night – and I’m feeling better in general today.

PJs as outerwear

No I’m not talking about flannel loser pants here, folks. I bought a nightgown, the Bella, from Motherwear, last week. A beautiful eggplant purple, midcalf length with ruffle detail and 3/4 sleeves. It’s a soft, fine jersey, drapey and elegant. In fact it’s delicious to sleep in, and leaving the buttons unbuttoned, the babe can get to her milkies all night long if she wishes.

But this gown is so nice I could, literally, roll out of bed, put on boots, a necklace and walk out the door. Seriously! It’s that un-nightgowny! Granted, I’d need a bra, but if I was wearing a sleep bra…I’d be all set!

skiing as a spiritual experience

We went for a very late afternoon cross country ski with Peanut. Snug in her enclosed ski sled, daddy pulling her on the long trail, I fired up the iPod and took the shorter one (not knowing how the recently recovered broken toe would fare). I came up a small slope, just at the entrance to a tall stand of white pines. The sun, low and orange on the horizon, cast a fiery glow on the sides of the trees, and streamed through the forest ahead of me. It literally took my breath away, and in that moment, I thought, God is with me. Not just with me in that sort of way, but WITH ME right here, in this moment. I stopped to catch my breath. I had tears welling up. It was really astounding.

I’m not a particularly religious person, as a rule. But I am deeply spiritual, and I often feel God’s presence when I am in nature. This was one such moment. God was also controlling my iPod, delivering U2’s All that U can’t leave behind, and Coldplay’s Kingdom Come back to back, along with a bunch of French translations of things: I have questions, cross, please have patience with me. Well maybe that was random chance, but at that moment, in that space, it might as well have been God doing the shuffle.

I don’t often have skiing experiences that border on relious ones, but this one was really wonderful. I won’t forget the light on those trees, streaming across ahead of me on the trail.

on the heels of yesterday…

I have the stomach flu. Or food  poisoning. Or something. Ugh. People here are telling me “you look like crap”, and indeed, I do! But I’m here at work because there is too much work to be done.

I’m taking my afternoon pumping break and looking at photos of my babe. I would love for her to eventually understand what she means to me. I love you gets over used. I need you. you’re a part of me forever. Those are better statements.