There is hope

A friend of mine – six years of IF, two miscarriages, a stillbirth, an IVF grant and a single daughter – is pg naturally again. Granted we’re at the cross your fingers and hope beyond hope stage, but she’s got a good shot.

And I’ve heard other similar reports. But no one with RPL and immune issues posts this (most go back for the same TX, something I’m hoping to avoid). But I believe it’s possible. Right now I’m trying to shake off the dream where I have two kids, boy and girl, and hubs and I get divorced (devastating), I move back to FL (to do what??) and then remarry (surprisingly happy – it was like going from seriously depressed to happy all in one dream!)

But it’s out there – two kids. I can’t bring myself to sell the maternity wear. I continue to sew nursing tops. I’m not selling any baby carriers. I have this feeling…

I might be making the feeling up, of course, how that works, but what if my instinct is correct? Do I believe it’s possible? Yes. I do believe. Even being 39, I believe.

Spring is nigh?

I swear it smelled like spring when I walked outside this afternoon. It was barely perceptable, I sniffed two, three, four times just to be sure but it WAS there, a hint of spring. It was only 21 degrees at the time, and it wasn’t a ‘melt’ smell, but a clear, fresh, almost earthy smell.

Maybe the groundhog will see his shadow on Monday? Maybe not. But as of next week only a month to go before our trip. I really MUST get sewing that swimwear! Buy the pattern, and the fabric.

Saving our marriage

Okay, its not quite that dire. but it’s serious. We bicker like the in laws, competitvely comparing how much the other one does (or does not do).

I’m crabby, I yell, I’m becoming shrill. It’s not a good thing. So while I can’t change my other half, I can change myself. I’m going back to half day wednesdays, even if it sacrifices client work (the others will pick up slack). I think this will give me some needed respite in the middle of the week where I’m not clamoring for space and distance, because I’ve had all that ‘cuddle connect’ time.

I’m going to envision my life as a single parent, not because I want to be, but because i think it will give me less focus on what my other half is not (or is) doing, and probably more appreciation for him.

It also means I’m going to have to work hard on my own to solve three problems

1) a responsible, reliable, consistent bedtime. This means, I turn the television off at 7:30pm, I dim the lights, I start a ‘bedtime book’ that she can follow along and point to the next step. Because it’s not going to happen unless I do it.

2) carve out the rest of the evening in three parts a) self-nurturing: exercise b) creativity: writing, knitting, sewing, beading and c) couple time. Granted I’m not in total control of #c but I can at least make MY effort, and if it’s rebuked, then that’s a harbinger of what’s to come, I guess.

3) my own stress level. I know what I need to stop yelling and repeating the patterns of my history.

The week begins on a high note

We went for another 1.5 hour (five miles, approx.) cross country ski today, at Rose Lake (the dog-friendly place). G. made some mods to the ski sled, chopped off my old skis and fastened them to the bottom. He says if he makes them higher it will be less like dragging a large brick through the snow. I think he needs a few more bricks, because even with him towing 35 lbs through the snow, he is still 1/4 mile ahead of me. Though I must admit I am getting better.

Today, I wore my new fleece tights I sewed last weekend. More on that at my sewing blog. It was much colder than last weekend (15 degrees F) but they were just as warm, so I think they’re better.

As I was skiing, watching the Zuzu run up and down ahead of us, behind the sled, behind me, sniffing some carcass, back up ahead, I thought of the fact that at some point, she will not be with us any longer, and we will ski there again and remember when she was. Bounding through the snow, a total puppy-grin on her face. Eyes alight with excitement as we pull up to her favorite spot to run and be a dog. G. was up ahead with peanut in the sled, Zuzu was following right behind, and I was coming up behind, thinking, this is it. Complete. Our family. It was one of those teary moments where I was totally focused on the moment at hand, something that I find difficult to do.

In the mean time, I was enjoying the ski, with our 10 year old puppy, and relishing the moments together. Zuzu, I’ll always love you in a special way – you’re my first baby, my special pup. My dog.

It’s too cold to ski

And I am too busy anyway. Tonight is my only night home this week, save Saturday. Crazy. I have to get off this rollercoaster! At least for a moment…

I’m very, very, very grateful for the work – don’t get me wrong. But in the past five years we have gone from 2 business partners doing web dev when it was less than 50% our biz to ONE (thatta be me) when web is 60% or more of our workload. Yeah. You do the math on that. We had a terrific part time person for 10 months, and she left for a faaabulous full time job at the U with cushie benes. I cannot compete with cushie benes. And she’s super happy (and I am super happy for her).

I hate whining. I hate that I am whining. I am trying to solve it – I brought in our old web guru on a contract basis and am looking for someone else to help.

On the flipside I’ve been really really good about exercise, managing my stress and doing what I can in a situation that is tough. I’m proud of myself for stepping up to the plate and doing a superb job, not just an ordinary job. For that, I rewarded myself with some treats. A couple of new cardigan sweaters (you can see it’s the ‘lean times call for classic purchases’ option. I shoulda sewed them, yeah, but hey, there they are, they’re great. It is a small reward for busting my buns.

I fantasize about quitting work and being a SAHM (for the forty seconds I’d enjoy that). I fantasize about living in Italy too, but that’s about as realistic.

But when I look at the little boot prints next to my big boot prints walking up to the door at day care, as I leave, I want to cry. I leave my baby for someone else to raise, five days a week.

Busy day

Work is busy but moving ahead slowly. I make good progress on a number of things every day.

The artist marketing class went really well last night. I can move on to my next two client seminars, and the BYO web page class. And then I can be done teaching for a while!

I think that this winter is going to just fly by – we’re already at mid January, and by the time I get around to it, I’ll barely get started sewing swimwear for a March trip. And once that happens, it’ll be peanut’s 2nd birthday and it’ll be SPRING!

Whew, makes me want to relish the snow a bit longer, actually! (people are hurling snowballs at me now for saying so).

No wait, make that 3 times!

I just did the full hour, albeit quite a bit distracting with toddler, who wanted to ‘ride’ me during the child pose to cat-cow pose. and again wanted to ‘ride’ my leg during plank!

She herself did a couple cute downward facing dogs, and child poses too. I have a feeling the creator of the program, yoga 4 fertility, would have been pleased to know a toddler was interrupting my practice A toddler conceived in part b/c of the yoga I was doing!

I also had vitamins and shoveled snow. So not, too bad. AND, I had a big salad, with salmon, and a banana for lunch. So I say I did pretty well today all things considered! The best part? I FEEL good. I do, really feel much better!

Did yoga TWICE this week

Woo hoo. Took the dog for a walk three or four days too. G. is out with them now. I needed a mama time out. To recharge with a glass of red wine (had salmon for dinner, too).

It feels good to not be making excuses about why I am supposed to be doing something but I’m not. I’m doing it, it is working for me so far.

I have not made any progress on the baby belly, but I have the swimwear backup plan so I’m OK with that. If I do, or if I do not, it’ll be fine. That belly carried a healthy baby as long as she’d stay in there, and that is all right with me. I ended up with a few faint scars from the lovenox injections but you’ll never notice, I can barely see them myself.

I try not to look at maternity wear too much. I don’t know if I should, if I dare or even if I could. But I’m taking steps to control my immune system, and I’m always hopeful. Every optimistic. I breathe deep. It’s possible. Even in this lifetime with this body.

but I’m being good to the body now. As Jimmy says “you treat your body like a temple, I treat mine like a tent”. Tent no more, baby, we’re looking at temple!

First mover advantage

There’s a marketing term called First Mover Advantage, which is that the first company that gets a jump on a new product, a new service, or a new idea gets the lions share of the market by being first. Now that’s not always true, but twice in the last two days I’ve been on either end of this. First off, hubs bought a vinyl cutter to make vinyl lettering for his ice boat colleagues. Another guy came along behind him – having seen what he did – and offered a lower price and online ordering. So now, hubs has to create his online form, and possibly discount or at least market his service as faster, with shipping or whatever.

On the flipside, a client of ours is midway through a site redevelopment with us. We suggested a number of marketing things they should do with their site and newsletter and one of THEIR competitors’ newsletter in my in box not an hour ago, outlines many of those same things. Now, am I that worried about them? Not really – I think their customer range is similar, but I also believe many people would buy from both companies. And I have the chance to see what they do with their site before launching MY client’s site.

And I’m kind of glad I made those suggestions, because clearly, by their surveys and by their competitors, I’m on the right track.

It’s interesting how these things have unfolded in the same day and having seen both sides of it. I’m sure to my dear reader that this is dull and boring, but I find marketing to be very interesting.

I’m no closer to solving any of my problems of late, but I did walk the dog for 15 minutes (in the snow, but I had on my lovely new winter boots) and feel fine about it now. I also had two bananas, which, along with pineapple, is supposed to offer me a serotonin boost that makes me feel good.I think I’d feel better with a chocolate truffle, but hey, I had bananas.

Today I started yoga again

Seriously started. I plan to take my mat to work and do 1/2 hour at work at lunch 3x a week. And at least 2x at home. It’s a start. I pulled my Yoga 4 Fertility back out. With the exception of some sinus congestion which prevented me from going further (the second half is a lot of downward poses) and a knot in my upper back that I need to work on, I think it went pretty well. I definitely have better posture.

I’m committed to this for the next three weeks at least (by then it’ll be a habit and I’ll keep going). I promised myself that I’d change things, and I am!

I am still haunted by demons from the past though. Of past failures, of things I wish I could change. I have to have the courage to let them go. Today is just today, and today was a good day.