We made an offer!

So we proposed an offer to the builder, and we’ll see where we go from there (up, I’m sure).

But it’s a start. Who’d have thought we’d be building a house??! Ah well, I’ve done a million things I said I’d ‘never’ do from marrying young to all the fertility shenanigans, to building a house. So there you go. Never say never.

Let’s just daydream for a second (I know, my chickens have not hatched). A beautiful new house, with COLORED WALLS (gasp! I’m giving up my off-white!). A place to stretch out, to grow a family, to be. This house was never meant to be permanent. We were just waiting for the right time. This is that right time.

But this does mean no snakeskin sandals (at least not right now) and lots of shopping in my closet and fabric stash!

It’s time. We’re ready. Let’s make a move.

yoga started again

this afternoon. I’m committed. I need to be now. There’s too much going on my life not to have some sort of stress relief. I think I’ll commit to doing yoga 3 x a week – twice on the weekends and at least once during the week (even if it’s split between two 1/2hour segments). And then, after three weeks, I get to have a reward of some sort. I’ll decide later what the reward is! It seems logical to get more yoga wear, or fabric to make yoga wear (except I have some, already). But that would be a nice reward!

prickly

Not the kind of prickly  you were thinking of though. My uterus is prickly. Yeah. I know. It could be nothing. But let’s just say this, if by some miracle it IS something (and I can’t even go there yet) then I’m ready. I’m happy, I’m in a good place. I’d even sew maternity wear and decorate a room this time.

The prickly has been running back and forth tonight. I have taken my vitamins, and will pack my vitamin case. Just in case.

Just a word

I’m browsing a fashion site and see “Vizcaya Jacket”. Of course I’ve BEEN to Vizcaya. And it took me back, in an absolute flash, to that time I went with my friend Rebecca. It was hot, June, I think (crazy time to go, but hey, it was cheap to fly there). I remember the gardens, having a gelato down by the pool (which was partially sheltered, ‘indoors’ under the archways, very unique). It was a really wonderful visit, and so otherworldy in a way. I could imagine living in a place like that. In another life.

That’s the kind of place you stand on a terrace, clad in linen palazzo pants, a black maillot and oversized sunglasses with a big wide, brimmed hat, and some staffer hands you a drink, as you watch the colors turn pale over the bay as the sun sets behind you. It’s that kind of place, where you wander through quiet, stone walled gardens, listening to the water splash over waterfalls and fountains. It’s the quiet heat, but the stillness and coolness as you come indoors, the marble floors still cool from the evening before.

Yeah, it’s that kind of place. And in many ways, there are so many things I miss about living in South Florida. I do not miss the crime, the traffic and the heat. But I do miss the light, that bright white light that reflects off everything. I miss the smell of the salt air. I miss sailing by the Bacon Boat one Sunday a month on our way out to Biscayne Bay.

Just one word and I’m back there again. The jacket that inspired it? It’s pretty too, fitted, cap sleeve, a lovely lemon gelato color. But it’s the place, that feeling that word takes me back to.

Was that indeed our life? (Not the palazzo pant villa life, of course) Did we really do that? For six years? Seems hardly like it was. I do miss it. A lot.

As it turns out…

there’s an actual documented issue with feeling guilty about what we’re doing when friends are suffering in the economy. But hubs tells me that Warren Buffett’s philosophy is to be greedy when everyone else is scared, and to be scared when everyone is being greedy. So I’m being greedy when everyone else is scared. It feels uncomfortable. Not bad, not dangerous, just slightly risky. And that slight off balance thing is what is propelling me forward.

Again, today, I notice I’m wearing an at least 15-year old silk charmeuse blouse, a gift; a secondhand leather jacket, secondhand trouser jeans. My own ballet flats, but 2 years old. I carried in a secondhand bag too. Brought my lunch. Drove my 12 year old car. Yeah, I know, I know, you get the drift. I have $20 in my wallet, which is the usual most weeks.

I think we’re making a great move here, pun intended. Everything feels right, even if off balance. I think we’ll look back and realize we made such a great decision. Smart. Timely. Wise.

I always feel like I could be doing more – in my community, in my visiblity, in my learning, my side businesses, of course. But at least that’s tempered with “I’m doing a ton, don’t overload’ from the little voice in my head. I want to join this community group, or that one, or go back and take a few classes, or expand my handbag business. But there isn’t time to do it all, and the most important thing I do right now is be present for my toddler.

So, tonight, I plan to do just that.

Am I worthy?

The question that has been plagueing me this week regarding this house hunting is that I don’t feel worthy, somehow. That I should be able to jam myself in to a Paris-sized apartment and live happily. That this buying of a nice big house is somehow egregious.

Let’s take a look at the reality, first. We’ve lived frugally for all of our lives and I don’t expect that to change. I drive a 12 year old car, hubs drives a 6 1/2 year old car. I shop garage sales, secondhand stores and sew my own clothes, I only buy new shoes. I buy E’s clothes, toys and other things secondhand. I reuse, recycle and skimp where possible, except on food and stuff for hobbies. I work a 40-hour work week, we eat mainly at home, and I take my lunch almost every day of the week (the only other day, usually the company picks up the tab).

All of the rest of my friends have nice houses. Though that’s never a good reason. I feel, well priviliged, and I’m feeling slightly uncomfortable with that. I’m not an ostentatious person but I almost don’t want to admit I may buy or build right now. But then again, I AM supporting the economy!

I think this worthiness has to have some root in my childhood. I’m sure it does. And I need to address it because it’s clearly not just gratefulness, or humility. It’s more a “I don’t deserve success” and that, is precisely what may be holding me back, professionally.

So let’s do this: I DO deserve this house. I’ve worked hard, I stayed in school, I worked my butt off, I’ve never been unemployed, I’ve toughed out some lean business years, I come to work every day, rain, shine, sick, depressed, whatever. I’m grateful for my blessings – my child, our health, my husband, my dog, my family, my talents, my frugality. But I deserve this success. I deserve a nice big house to spread out in, I deserve a chance at another child. I am deserving of these things. I accept blessings from the universe gratefully.

I feel taller, lighter, calmer. I deserve to accept my success with humility and grace. I will say thank you to the world, to God and the Universe for providing me with not only opportunity, but the ability to sieze the day when it comes. To perservere when it’s tough. I don’t take the easy road, because the hard road is more valuable. I am worthy. I am going to relish this time, this process and the result.

We’re almost there

We walked the Virginia street neighborhood yesterday. Maybe it was the early spring sunshine or the brightly painted crisp new houses, but I liked it. I could live there. So tonight we talk with the builder and see what we can put together for some numbers. We spent some time walking around ‘our’ lot (see? already decided?) went to Marble School’s park area, and walked many of the neighboring streets, including Lexington, Spartan and Burcham. I think we can do this.

There is a lot of work yet to be done – financing, leasing our current house (tomorrow), planning for a move, probably two of them (to temporary housing until the new house is done). Gee, you think I’ve decided?!

I did stand there, in the early spring sunshine, at the back of the lot saying “I could do this”.

my dream life

I’m gettin’ close:

What if we get one of these houses? Then, I have a luxurious, beautiful house that fits us. I can relax, settle in, and maybe calm down enough to have another baby. Or maybe not. But in any case, we have a place to be, for a long while.

I could branch out, get my pattern designing up and going. Start living a creative life with my babe.

Sewing group recharge

My Sunday sewing group recharged me totally. Two hours, four sewing friends, and I feel renewed.

Tonight, we looked at a house that was too small, and one that was a cool art deco vibe but too much work for us. Wednesday we look at the best one so far – at the far top end of our price range (though they may be negotiable; it’s been vacant for at least a year.) And then, Friday, we decide.

It’s been a long week so far, and it’s only Monday night! ha! Actually, once we get through all this fanfare, it will be more decisions done, and I like decisions, I like to keep moving, so I’ll be fine.

I’m going to go dream more about sewing, because I’m too tired to do anything else!

Tapped out

Used up. Nothing left to give. That’s what I feel like right now. E. has been nursing continuously for a week now, I’m tired, sick, exhausted. She won’t go to sleep. I just can’t give any more. We’re frustrated about the house situation, I know what’s coming this spring with our *&^%$! bike ride (the albatross that won’t go away!) I am just in a mood. Nothing is recharging me right now, nothing. In fact, I haven’t had or done anything TO recharge – no exercise, no yoga, no sewing, no nothing! That’s why I feel so out of sorts. It’s been give-give-give and there’s nothing left. No milk, nothing!