child led weaning

I’ve been thinking about how long she’ll nurse. But today, while on the LLL forums, someone posted a poem. The entire poem you think it’s written from the child’s persepective – that I still need you, make time for nursing, cuddle with me. And at the end, it’s really the mother talking. I cried when I read it. This is how I know I’m not ready to wean this child. And clearly, she isn’t either.

I would love to re-enforce some nursing manners. I allowed the ‘other side’ tweaking to occur some months back, in some nights of desperation, but it’s gotten out of hand, and I have to stop it somehow. Hubs calls this a ‘reach in’.

I keep getting Motherwear catalogs, and wondering how long she’ll nurse (and no, I don’t need more clothes right now, though I would certainly LIKE some).

Now, let’s take a quick step back. I never intended to ever get here, remember? I said 12 months, then 18, and at some point I just said child led weaning. But I do recall thinking – no, saying – a child old enough to ask and lift your shirt was too old! Mine clearly is that age.

I guess it’s one of those old “never say nevers”!

Last night I had some time AND some decaf and ended up taking time to trace a pattern, cut a muslin and get the Princess jacket ready to test. It’s been a rarity the last month with all the workload. It was very refreshing, too. I can’t say my sleep was super terrific, but once in a while, I guess it’s OK to do that. It was important mama-time-out. We’ve been going so full-tilt with work, mothering, and house stuff that I have had almost no time for myself (save the pant fitting workshop).

whew

I’m working my tail off. I’ve worked every night this week (except Tuesday, when I fell asleep putting Eyrin to bed and woke at 1130 with a start, thinking, ‘oh crap, I need to get to work!’

But I love this client. They are so enjoyable to work with. It’s been a lot of FUN working on their project, and our web guy has been fantastic in making our design come to life.

The house has footings tonight, which is good. I think they may set forms and pour the walls early next week. It’s coming together. I’m riding my bike tomorrow, and then walking in the Race for the Cure 5K on Sunday.

My face is a mess though, and my eczema is flaring up. So I know the stress is there even if I’m enjoying the work. But summer is coming and the weather is fine. There’s sewing to be done, a water park to take Peanut to, a house to watch come to life, and life, is indeed, good.

My mother lived to age 31. She never saw her children grow up. I am blessed beyond measure by comparison. I am almost 40, I have my own business, I love my work, I have a great husband who is my best friend, we have a miracle child whom we cherish. I am here for her. Every day is a blessing. We are smart, successful and frugal. This house we are building is a lifetime (so far) of smart decisions’ reward. And a smart decision in and of itself. We are measured by our giving, and we give of our money, our time and our passions to causes we care deeply for. My mother never lived to see her granddaughter. She never lived to see her daughter grow up. But Sunday, I walk for her. I walk through her. I’ve thought a lot about the person my daughter is, and maybe, just maybe, a part of her is in my child. I don’t know why I think this, but I do. Maybe we’re recreating the life she didn’t get, in reverse.

Another late night

Client work. But I like this client, a lot. And so I’m OK> But I’m feeling less than happy mama. In fact, a rather scary and lucid thought, when peanut was wailing in bed, was I just wanted to go slap her silly til she fell asleep. But then just as quickly, she’ll never fall asleep that way! And even more shocking, that I even thought that! It was very irrational, and very bad. So I went to see about my parenting classes (still not receiving any notices of the call-in numbers!) I’m frazzled.

I know this. I know these weeks are crazy, and I’m going to have take good care of myself, and muster every bit of energy to work. For now, hepped up with decaf and no work yet to be done (as it turns out, my client did not give me the right account to move the DNS, which is not a good thing!) I’m here. Awake. I guess I can go and relax and read or something.

I think when this initial fanfare is over, I need to take a personal day off for myself.

herding ducks

Tenants. Check.

Financing. check.

Construction underway. check.

Ducks getting lined up. check. Though I know that things never go exactly this smoothly (they WERE digging our basement STILL last night at some very late hour, according to our neighbor and friend John).

It’s nice to think that things are going along well. Work is very, very busy. I was supposed to have put E. to bed, and gotten some done, but then fell asleep, and woke at 11pm, when she was awake again (sigh). I finally got up, and left her to wail (daddy went in there finally) because I was desperate for some time alone. I’ll get up at 5am tomorrow to work on client work. I’m up now, but I’m nearing the end of my day, just enough time to be alone for a bit to feel closure on the day.

At my client’s today, I could hear a child in the store, a baby, crying. I was focused on my work, but there was a part of me listening to that child, for sure. I remember thinking, I should be that mama, here shopping, with my baby, not working. The reality is, I work. I like to work. I am still torn. So I am working towards not working on Wednesday afternoons this summer again, now that I have my staffing in order (at least for now).

But it was an emotional pull. I also had an interesting conversation with a sewing friend yesterday on our drive home from the pant fitting (see the sewing blog!) about how she was trying to divest herself of some of the activities in her life so she could sew. I said that I’d been trying to do the same, feeling somewhat guilty about it. Almost feeling envious of a few of my competitors who are ‘doing a lot more than I am’ (note the quotes, it’s really perception) and then realizing that hey, this is what I want, and feel comfortable doing. It’s time to define MY best life, not keep up with the Joneses. I’m still not there on a decision, and I can feel the stuff rising to the surface at this time of upheaval. I need to work, that’s clear. But I also need to define what the rest of my life looks like around that much better.

articulate your best life

There are a lot of things swirling around right now, and it’s due to this major transition in our lives to moving and becoming landlords at the same time. I know it. But it’s also that Peanut is growing up, and I feel a sense of urgency about giving her a sibling. I like to articulate my best life, and I’ve done some scenarios in the WWYLLLI series of posts. But I couldn’t have imagined this time, when I did those. Or maybe I could.

I have been thinking about what it would be like to have another baby. And realizing today, that if I want to keep nursing the one I have, then I’d better not go and try for another right now because, at a minimum, ovulation induction requires weaning. Though spontaneous conception does not, it comes with great risk without preconception IVIg. but enough of that mumbo jumbo. Here’s what I really want this time:

Keep nursing Peanut. Get pg naturally. IVIg if I have to, Lovenox for sure. Stay here in MI and just do consults in Chicago. Start sewing maternity wear. Sew a new baby carrier or two. Drag out all the cute stuff I have for the next baby. Paint the room a warm green, with giant polka dots of pastels. Move the co-sleeper in. Have a beautiful, unmedicated birth, just like with Peanut. Kangaroo care and no interventions, just snuggle with mama and nurse after birth. Take three months OFF of work, and work part time for another three months. Work mostly full time, but take one day off a week for another 18 months. Spend time with both my babies on those days off.

Notice I’m not talking about work yet. I do love my work. I wont’ say but. There is no but. I love my work. but I feel there’s more here, more to do, more to be. More.

Maybe a tenant?

We have another app, a graduate student couple with a St. Bernard. She starts med school and he law school in the fall. We’ll see, we’ve been here before. But they seem really eager, and we’re not waiting, we’re processing their app tomorrow.

We met with the builder. We have siding, trim, roofing and shutter samples to select from with the designer next week.

I’m excited to be doing this process! It’s a lot of fun, but as I mentioned before, it’s challenging because it’s up to us to make these decisions. We walked by our house (lot) and saw the actual lot lines (further south than we realized) and saw the “sold” sign, and the soil erosion barriers are already up. It’s really going to happen, this weekend! They’re digging on Saturday!

It’s a good time to be doing this, a bit nervous, but in general, things are going well.

let me be grateful but not perfect

I am grateful. I am respectful. I am not judgemental. But I’m not perfect either. And that’s is quite all right. I am working my fanny off right now (we all are) and stress is there, but I think I’m handling it pretty well, actually. My back is in decent shape (usually a harbinger for bigger problems). My skin, eh? not so much. I have to get a handle on that, nutritionally, I think.

I’m taking a break. Journaling is supposed to be one of the best ways to soothe a stressed soul. I worry that I don’t journal enough about what our daughter does, all the magical things. I did, for my pregnancy, but not so much. I guess maybe I feel it’s too personal? I don’t know.

Anyway, last night, she was literally clinging to my legs, saying, over and over “mommy hold you, mommy hold you” and then finally said “mommy hold you on facebook” (hubby had said, earlier, that mommy was on facebook.) So after I laughed out loud at that, I picked her up. Mommy hold you on facebook, indeed. She needs me, and last night when I was done nursing, but she was not, she cried and cried until I gave in. But really, what harm is it – we’re in bed, I open my nightgown and give her a breast. Easy, done, solved.

She’s talking in full sentences, she tells me what happens at day care (even ‘telling’ on herself – telling me she’d had a time out for biting one of the boys) She is so amazingly smart!

I know I’m probably supposed to look at preschool next year, but I don’t want to. I think she’s great where she is, and I worry that putting her into a more rigidly structured program would not be good for her. I don’t know. I guess I don’t have to decide right now.

Today is our next meeting with our builder about the house. I’m grateful for my frugality and our ability to afford this house. I’m grateful for my talents, and I will put them to good use, working my fanny off this afternoon before I head to our meeting.

methylated folate

As it turns out I need this special kind of folic acid, because no matter how much I take, my body won’t convert (methylize) it properly. So I’m off to my chiro to get the special folic acid. And, I stumbled across some medical journal research that said that folic acid deficiency acts a lot like methotrexate (a cancer killing drug, also used in the abortion pill), limiting cancer cell growth.

So in some ways I marvel at my body’s abilty to torch cancer cells. And embryonic cells. Ironically the thing that caused me so much trouble also protects me (same with those NKs).

I’m enjoying a cup of tea, the babe is in bed, and I feel no undue pressure to get anything else done tonight. I’ll spend some time reading, I’m sure.

Today was one of those full-tilt-boogie days. Tomorrow and Thursday will be too. Friday it calms down. Saturday, small animal day with Peanut, and Sunday, a luxurious one-day retreat pant fitting class with Christine and some friends in Detroit. I get a full day off like this twice a year and I relish it.

I finished a lovely top (at my sewing blog) the ruffle top from Christine Jonson, part of my spring challenge garments. Three more weeks, and two more garments. I probably won’t finish, but I’ll get close.

I’ll look at a shoe catalog (love the shoe catalogs, my weakness!) watch a little TV (man TV, actually, since my hubby has the remote, and the recliner) and generally just kick back for an hour. It feels decadent, to have this kind of night!

Big city

We took Peanut to see her grandparents in Chicago. We made it a really fun weekend, having one big outing for her each day. So, Friday, we went to the aquaurium and she was beside herself – shaking with excitement! She would just take off from us – fearless. How’d we get a fearless child? Anyway, she was on fire for hours. She was remarkably well behaved at a nice dinner with our friends downtown (at their house, fortunately). And then, Saturday, we took her the Kohl’s Children’s Museum in Glenview. It was so cool – basically everything was a hands-on experiential interaction – from a sandwich shop, to building a house, to playing music, to a kid-sized grocery store. It was a ton of fun, and everything was geared towards little ones! It was like a world for people under four feet tall!

So she had a great time, and only a bad meltdown this morning, where I finally had to pick her up and just hold her tight while she calmed down. I could sense she needed me, and she needed me to just be quiet and hold her. She calmed right down. It was probably one of the first times I think I accurately read AND responded correctly (that’s not actually true – she WAS a newborn once…). But I felt, well, like I’d gotten that one perfectly right.

Next weekend, small animal day. Looking forward to it.

Getting ready to go to Chicago

Which everyone always says “oh wow!” And then I say… well, my in laws live there. They’re not outlaws, but they can be annoying. They’re older, they turn the TV up crazy loud because they don’t want to admit their hearing is going, they don’t move as fast. They take hours to do the dishes (not sure why, we can do THEIR dishes in five minutes, it takes them two hours!) But on the flipside, they’ve produced a great guy whom I love. They have a lovely home in a swank area of the city (Evanston), and they do bend over backwards to accommodate us. Like all parents, we vow never to be like them and wake up and find ourselves saying the same darn things to our child.

We have a full slate of activities planned to keep us out of the house and away from the endless TALKING that seems to accompany these visits. Don’t get me wrong, I love my in laws and I wish that we would do more and talk less!  Mainly I wish that amongst both our parental units. I’m glad to have them, and I’d be upset if they were not here to have those endless conversations with!

But our toddler is not tolerant of long discussions. We must move on and DO STUFF!

Our plans are: aquarium, dinner with friends (at their house, toddler-friendly), Vogue Fabrics with a gift certificate, the children’s museum and hopefully some quality time with grandparents!