tiny blessings

I’m walking to the house on Friday evening, watching my peanut ahead of me, with her little dolly stroller, in her Tevas, jauntily walking. I hear the ice cream truck come jingling by and I can imagine her running out the door of the new house and getting her first Creamsicle. The thought literally brought tears to my eyes.

Saturday, in the early morning light of dawn, on the bed snuggled and nursing, the dog curled up at my feet, hubby by my side, I said thank you for all these unbelivable blessings.

Over and over again, I have asked myself if I should take a big risk again. Tonight, reading a blog post from a mama who designs girly dress patterns, about her 2 year old and newborn that she never got to hold brought it all back. I was in tears, understanding this mama, who, granted, has three beautiful children already, but wanted more.

Can I even risk everything for something more? It just blows me away again, to think about all of that. And yet, NOT trying is also painful.

But I did make myself a promise that my 40th birthday gift will be a Millenova immunology series. Just to answer the what if and at least say I explored the option. My cycle isn’t normal yet, anyway (25 days this time) so I have to give it some time.

In the mean time, I have to commit to change – go carb-less, add more yoga.

Clean sweep!

I’m on a cleaning tear (mainly at the office). i know this impulse comes once in a blue moon, so I’m taking advantage of it today at lunch. Moving design books into the front office, cleaning out the extra bookcase (which will make handy, (lockable) storage, in the basement of the new house – perhaps even for fabric or toys! Taking old electronics and furniture to goodwill tomorrow. Talked with partners again about a new table, new art (we’re all on the same page) for our conference room.  Organizing my files, my desk (and my work).

I’m off to walk the doggie. In my 3″ open toe wedges (that I painted the wedge of, years ago, love these).

Nursing toddler mama meets fashionista

So lately, I’ve been sewing more non-nursing shirts. I dunno if it’s because I’m thinking we’re nearing the end of a phase of at least public nursing (she nurses at home, a lot, but when we’re out, she’s too busy). Or that I’m just sewing my client’s designs more. But I sometimes feel like I’m in uncharted territory, though I know that is not true. One fashionista mama who loves to sew and nurses a toddler seeks friendship from same. Looking to share patterns, tips on nursing an acrobatic toddler and doing it in style.

And then I’m tired

Long day at work. Chasing toddler at park, grocery shopping on my lunch hour (and then storing everything in a cooler until I got home). Working on volunteer work for an hour, responding to vendor and employee items on e-mail. It’s right now that I think “my life would be so much simpler if……[insert alternative reality scenario here]” truth is, that’s not actually correct, but it’s nice to THINK the grass is less tired over there.

I think I’ll go do something healing like reading a Burda magazine. Yes, I consider that emotional healing. Shoes would be nice too, but I have to keep that wallet snapped shut. I did walk a couple miles tonight at least.

Who am I?

Aah the existential question.

But seriously, this week, I am reexamining what I want out of life, to be sure I’m defining it the way it works for ME, not the voices of others.

So, her *I* am, and here’s the topic of the day. The last few weeks (and months) I’ve had the pleasure of working on some of the most enjoyable projects of my career. Most involved a little bit of design on my part (some more than others). All involved working directly with entrepreneurs and their staff to afford them control of their businesses – either through marketing or through their website or both. And what all of these have in common is I felt that ‘flow’ – you know that Zen-like state of work where hours can go by and you just don’t even care? yeah, that.

Now, profitability on some (most) of these is not good. We, collectively, spent way above our estimated project goals, which tells me the market is still depressed (we get beat out regularly by cheaper competitors). But it has been so much fun. Fun, not even just tolerable, but FUN!

I have a good team right now of staffers (on payroll, no less) and the talent to get this stuff done well. Even if not profitably as I’d like. And they’re GOOD projects too. They look nice, they function well, they serve the market.

But what I realized this week is I do not crave the limelight. I don’t want to be the biggest firm in town. I don’t want to or don’t desire to seek out the big flashy clients. I just want to do good work for local (and not so local) clients who respect us, who are fun to work with and with whom I have a good rapport. I want to take vacation. I want to sew, I want to spend time with my Peanut. I want to bike, I want to walk my dog, I want to sail with my hubby of 17 years. I want to volunteer, I want to give back, I want to make a difference in a small way. But mostly I want a comfortable life. Not extravagant, just happy. Travel some, invest some, have a nice house…

No-excuses year part seven (face)

Maybe we’re not up to part seven yet, but anyway, my face. Yeah. I’m almost 40. I’ve had acne since I was 13. So let’s do the math, hmm? 40-13 = 27. Twenty-freakin-seven years. I do not like to speak about myself harshly (and I won’t start now) but it’s time to do something about this. I’ve been on every antibiotic, every topical, Accutane (twice for pete’s sake), Proactiv, every drugstore brand there is. I’ve done home remedies (crushed aspirin, yogurt, aloe vera gel). The only thing that worked, frankly, was pregnancy. Indeed, my skin got that cleared-up glowing skin of pregnancy (a girl) and I used Dove soap on it. Dove! Holy cow, in my non-preggo days, just looking at Dove on my face would make it break out!  So there you go. Hormones. As it turns out, thanks to all my years of fertility testing I have very low hormone levels across the board – from estrogen, to testosterone, to yes, of course, progesterone, all are very low. And therefore, as my acupuncturist said, it lets the hormones that cause the problem (androgens/testosterone) come thru more. Actually what SHE said was everything else was low, which is why there was heat in my body. Heat = inflammation. Inflammation = bad on so many levels. What I know from the testing is what my RE/RI said: they’re surprisingly low across the board.

Today I consulted a facialist (esthetician?) who worked me over like back in the old days at the best dermo I ever had. But surprisingly, instead of making my face an inflamed mess, the treatments she did calmed it down. And now I’m on a new regimen. And yes, that includes sunscreen (though the melasma that’s causing the dark pigmentation is hormonal). I have not yet figured out how to solve THAT, but I think yoga may help. Especially my special fertility yoga.

I have more research to do, and several more intensive treatments before I can settle into a routine. But one thing’s for sure, this year of no excuses might just make me the healthiest yet. There’s no room for excuses. And that means yoga has to happen. HAS to. So, start scheduling it!

Gorgeous day

Today dawned as one of those summer mornings (though it’s not summer). Crisp, clear blue sky, fresh breeze blowing, it’s cool, but warm out, know what I mean? One of those mornings where you just breathe deep and say aaaah.

It’s a good day, really. I feel great about our clients, our projects, and our work. I feel great about how things are going in my personal life. I’ve been picking up pennies again. I feel connected to the universe. I do feel a bit of envy creeping in around the edges, and this is easily tempered by thinking of the great projects WE need to talk about!

I’m doing a great job, keeping focused, and working hard. It’s a gorgeous day!

gentle spring

This spring has come in so gently. The flowers have had time to bloom – and it seems for a month now, i’ve had cut flowers on my dining room table – most of them cut from the wild! The lilacs are in bloom now – I picked some off one of the empty lots in our new neighborhood.

Our house is coming along. It’s taking shape. The house is built, framed and sheathed. It’ll have windows, siding and shingles soon. The oak and the big pine tree in the front are really adding some distinction to this house. We hope the pine makes it OK. It will need trimming.

I’ve had time to sew, we walk every night to the new house (and to the playground) stopping to have an occasional beer with the neighbors. It’s truly been a joyous spring. Client work has been going well, I’ve been busy and satisfied. Our toddler is growing in to a wonderful child – bright, talkative, and beautiful. She’s still a handful, but she’s our handful I watch her sleep in the dim light of our room sometimes. Those wide-set eyes, dark lashes on pink cheeks. Sleeping next to her is wonderful. Yes, I’m sleeping in a 5″ wide space, with my arms in crazy positions around her, but when she settles in, her head on the crook of my shoulder, my arms around her, the world is bliss for us.

There is no ‘but’ here. I am not thinking the shoe is going to drop – rather that the years that weren’t good set the stage for appreciating the ones that are (now).

I have much work to do, but it’s getting done. I have much to be thankful for, too.

It’s all worth it

When your two year old says “happy mother’s day”, it’s all worth it, everything! This was just a perfect weekend!  Really. We started with a rainy and cold regatta morning, but the chili at lunch was hot and yummy, and the afternoon was dry with peeks of sun. We finished one point (four feet, basically, on a poorly-executed lee bow at the finish) out of the trophies. We were surprised by this, our goal was only that we have fun. And on our 17th wedding anniversary, we did just that!

Today, Mother’s day, we took a long springtime walk on campus – all abloom with spring flowers and flowering trees. Then, I sewed during peanut’s nap and for some time afterward, and finished the CJ patterns princess seam jacket. It’s a lovely jacket, I chose a soft boucle, underlined in a soft bleached cotton muslin (but no other interfacing). It fees like a sweatercoat, only much more shapely. It’s lovely! Tonight, I’ll sew over the buttonholes with some embroidery floss (a nice detail which I think will add polish and stability to them).

It’s a good day, a good weekend, and a good life. I’ve stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop, actually.

we do good work

(and I have to get back to it in ten minutes, but until then, it’s lunch hour!) As I’m preparing for a training, and working on polishing up a site that just went live, I’m conscious of the fact that we do great work. And clients love us. It’s been a challenging week – lots of travel to out of town meetings, lots of negotiating and guiding clients through things. Lots of toddler negotiations.

But some of the work that’s been comin’ out of this office is fantastic. A couple of gorgeous new print pieces, a few stellar new websites. It’s really coming together! Whether the combination of clients, our insistence on some quality design internally and our ability to market our design once done, I think it’s finally coming together.

The world seems more harmonious today, and that is a good thing!