A house becomes a home

I’ll post photos soon. But today, at 2:30 pm with very little fanfare, we took possession of our house. We wrote a check for the extras, walked around a bit, they told us to send them a punch list, it was all very casual, and that was it! We moved stuff in, and proceeded to empty about half the contents of the downstairs of our house into the new house. The attic is Sunday’s task. Tomorrow, the college students come help us move the furniture.

It’ll be a busy, hard, weekend, but the new house is so light, so airy and so gorgeous, it’s worth it. I didn’t cry. I felt happy. For one brief moment I was a bit panicked about the expense of it all, but when you think of the LIVING that we’ll do here, it’s worth it. It’s not about having a big house, it’s about having a house we can DO things in. Like George’s woodworking, my sewing, E’s playing, and even the dog’s running around. As we started taking things out of this house our Peanut said “room to play!” echoing our sentiments exactly.

Room to play, indeed.

Friday, it’s a new life

We get our house on Friday at 2:30pm! YAY! Though this deal isn’t done by long shot  – but so many other things are coming together well that there’s good hope on the job front, on the house front, on the workload front even.

AS for my taunting, it’s inconclusive. Auntie has not come to visit yet, and my temps were slightly elevated. I’ll temp again tomorrow and I have one test left if it’s high. If it’s not, I’ll wait one more day. But boy, if it does happen, a whirlwind of things on top of the already tornado-esque our lives have become right now will have to happen. Sequential betas, lots of calls to doctor’s offices, probably at least a Millenova draw kit, if not an outright trip to Chicago, where I get to ask about intralipid (a helluva lot cheaper than IVIg).

But if it’s not, I’m not devastated either. In fact, I am being cautiously optimistic. My plan was 3-4 months with an acupuncturist in the winter, specializing in fertility issues, and a lot of yoga.

No matter. This weekend we move, and come hell or high water NEXT weekend I’m putting on that maxi sundress and relaxing. Going to jazzfest with my free ticket (and leaving peanut at home with gram & gramps). And finally, living in our dream house.

Taunting

I’m taunting AF now. C’mon, dare ya. Wearing a white skirt today! Seriously though, that superstitious stuff doesn’t work. And I woke, in the early morning, before dawn, cuddled with my Peanut, and had this strong sense that I’m carrying another child. And so I welcomed the new little one. Stay. I don’t know whether I have the power to do that yet, but I believe I can modulate my immune system by my reaction to my world. So, I opened my emotional heart and said I’m ready. For whatever life brings. I’m ready.

Even now, as I’m up before everyone else, I take a deep breath, let the air fill my body, all the way to the edges of my skin. I felt overjoyed with my blessings. A small child next to me that is my heart. My puppy dog at my feet. Husband by my side. I didn’t bemoan the little things, like the sorry state my skin is in. Or the workload, or anything else. I was just grateful. So I woke up after finally dozing and decided that I was happy. Truly, joyfully happy!

No matter what happens. I’m happy.

the post I do every other month

you know the one.  Am I pregnant? What if? I don’t know. Usually I know, but this time, I don’t know. And I did have a dream that I was, again. But I’ll get til the end of the week, when it would be overdue, and if Auntie has not arrived, I’ll test.

I’m not worrying about it. Que sera sera.

I’m remarkably calm right now – despite a hugely hectic work week, a likely move happening end of the week, it was a gentle weekend. I was much better today than I was yesterday. We played for a long time at the park, whatever peanut wanted. And when we left we said bye to all the swings, the ‘merry’ and the park. She was visibly calmer this evening, too! Oh she had a few moments, but they weren’t terrible.

We wore our ‘pettie desses’ today – we went to 11am mass, I gave all that I had in my wallet. A mother of older children stopped me on my way out ‘I just wanted to tell you I am so glad to see a nursing mother”. We had left the sanctuary before communion to sit in the (very full) gathering space, near the offices, to nursie on the floor. I’m in your hands, God. Whatever your plans are for me, I’ll follow.

it’s raining…

Twice this week, I’ve gone to bed or gotten up to the gentle pitter patter of rain. A softly falling, cool, rain-smelling rain. And this morning, at the park, I swear, a scent of warm rain nearby, but not upon us took me back to a childhood trip to Florida, playing on a playground the day we arrived, in the humid, cloudy Florida wintertime.

I’m glad for the rain, we need it. I’d like a warmer summer overall (this one has seen way too much use of sweaters and pants, for my taste). I did buy three shorts and a capri/cropped pant at my second fave secondhand store, after realizing in three weeks, I need clothing that matches with yellow and black (my Tour de Road America uniform). And I didn’t think bright teal, or dusty barn red shorts were going to cut it Hubs was supportive of me spening a very little amount of money on them. Which I did, most were under $3 and one was $6.  It’s been years since I’ve had shorts that fit. I have been wearing mainly skirts and dresses this year, but none are appropriate for a race-track weekend or moving my house in a week.

Speaking of the house, they are so, so, SO close! Towel bars went on today. The shop vac was in the house, but not yet used. The basement panels were not yet in. But short of that stuff, they’re done. Carpet is in, walls are touched up. It’s beautiful! I’m soooo happy – and so hopeful – that this time of crisis has come to a close. It’s not over, yet, but it’s stable and there is great hope with lots of possibilities swirling around.

Change is good. And the gentle pitter patter of rain is a constant. No matter what happens, there will always be that.

gentle mama

So how will I be gentle tomorrow? I will get up slowly. Let her nurse as much as she wants tonight. I’ll let her walk on ‘the other sidewalk, mama’ and take as much time as she wants to walk downtown, to the bank, even if it takes an hour.

I will care for myself by sewing tomorrow, and boxing up more things, so we’re ready for our move in a week.

I will gently ease my peanut to her nap by nursing her down. I will take her for a picnic for lunch. Even if it’s our new back yard.

Part of gentle mothering, I think, is going with the flow, being open to simple experiences and caring for myself, too.

It’s feeling real now

I was in the house at lunch today, and the carpet is in. Towel bars were on the counters, waiting to be installed. And I think that it’s finally beginning to sink in. We are moving to a new house!

In probably less than a week, now.

But along with all of that, I had a lovely conversation with a very good friend who is at Sparrow with her high risk pregnancy, baking a baby until the time is right, under the watchful care (and many beeping machines) of the staff 24/7. I talked with her about the challenges of being a type A person and wanting to learn to be a gentle parent. She said it’s hard for us type A’s to do anything slowly. We want to race ahead, so we battle our toddlers who say “I want THAT sidewalk” with “we’re going THIS way”. And that’s the problem really.

So I think I have to learn to slow down. Yes, I know, is this the millionth post of the same ilk? ‘Fraid so.

And then i remembered one of my favorite blogs, SouleMama. She’s a gentle-parenting-crafting mama who inspires me daily. But I really want the working mother version of her blog. And laughed. I’m not sure that exists.

But what if I could learn to be that parent? That slow down, take a photo of the details, let the toddler wander to THAT sidewalk, mama, and not be in a hurry. What if I spent an entire day saying yes.

I packed away Gentle Discipline, the LLL parenting book, and will find it on the other end. I must be gentle with MYSELF right now – six or seven giant web site projects, and several more minor ones, a half-dozen prospective clients to follow up with, a few sewing projects in progress. I’m moving into a new house next week (and cleaning this one for the tenants the week after). And oh yeah, be gentle with myself! Sheesh.

It’s sometimes hard to realize just how much pressure I’m putting myself under until I see myself crack (and have to put myself back together with tea and candles in my office for an hour).

this is, absolutely NOT the hardest it’s ever been. By a longshot. But it does take some support – good nutrition, sleep (it’s after 11pm now), some exercise daily, vitamins, and even if I have time for only one sun salutation, yoga.

I’m moving into a new house next week!

Decisions…

So peanut is down, it’s almost 9pm. I have three choices – finish serging the edges of the napkins I made from the provençale fabric. An easy start. Then, fold the mountain of laundry overtaking one half of my couch. Do the dishes, an endless stream of them, empty, fill, wipe, empty, fill, wipe. Or client work. Or box up books and knicknacks. Any of those sound good to you?

Yeah, me neither. What I WANT to do is take a warm bath with rose essential oils (something I sprinkle in Peanut’s bath every time – it’s calming) and some epsom salts and baking soda bath salts. Then curl up with a Burda or some sewing patterns and sketch away for an hour. I also want to catch some of le Tour (de france).

And I’m having a ginger-rum punch – Mount Gay dark rum with gingerale. It’s quite lovely, very vanilla with a smooth finish. I could drink these until that rum is gone. And then I won’t have to move that bottle to the new house (kidding!) We decided to drink our liquor cabinet, which is quite well stocked, just add mixers. Since we decided to do the liquor cabinet rediscovery two weeks ago,  I’ve had white Russians, some of these ginger rum punches, and at least one greyhound, the drink that started this entire life (boyfriend, husband, baby daddy).

Speaking of rediscovery, I had an urge to look at maternity patterns, probably because I had a dream that I’m pregnant again last night. I don’t know how to take this one, it was not as clear as the others were. Even the others that did not make it. Anyway, I may indulge that. I can dream, at least. My friend M. said this week (on that very same topic) that you have to have hope – even if it’s very thin, very narrow hope, you have to have that. A possibility. Not ever closing that door. Hope.

She, by the way, is pg with her second – conceived the good ole fashioned way – and the baby is now at the gestational age of her fourth when she was born, but not yet the third, who died at 36 weeks (but well past her first two who didn’t make it past the first trimester. So if she can get THIS baby past 36 weeks, and have the comfort of 24/7 monitoring at the hospital, where she is interred now, she will have achieved something quite miraculous. And there’s hope for ME yet.

took a nap

I took a rare nursie-nap with my peanut for 30 minutes on the couch at 5pm. So I’m wide awake now at 10pm. I haven’t done that in perhaps a year, maybe more, when it used to be a regular occurence as I wasn’t getting too much sleep, and the demands of motherhood and work got the best of me.

We both cuddled together, eyes closed, dozing and drifting in and out of sleep for a while. I think me, more than her. But she wasn’t flying around the house like a tornado and getting her curious toddler fingers into everything. We also made rhubarb cobbler, and moved the sprinklers at the new house three times. Dodged a ticket by PACE, too (sneaky b@$tards!)

Tonight I’m grateful for our health. G. landed safe in CT (after my late PM panic that his flight would crash). He still has to get home on Sunday. I’ll still be a basket case then too. He doesn’t know I feel this way. It’s more pronounced, maybe because I need him more right now.

We are so good together, in a crisis. We’re actually better together when we have a crisis than when we are not in one. And this qualifies.

I had a snap at my financial partner today. I took over some of her things while she was gone, discovered all our billings were current (current!), and yet, we still had no money until this week. And we agreed, together, to change things. To look hard at the metrics and the numbers, and to finally, for once, make some money. Not the pittance we scraped by last year, but a decent wage. My part time web guy makes more than I do!

And this year is, admittedly, twice as good as last year. So things are positive. But I know my stress level is high. I am journaling. I lectured a friend tonight to take time for herself away from her two special needs kids – even 30 minutes a day – a walk and a shower would help her). I need to do the same. So I did take a shower, I do have a few hours with peanut asleep, I am journaling to get my frustrations out, and I do plan to do some healing things – maybe meditation, or at least sketching some sewing projects.

The world is OK right now. It feels unsteady but not fragile. It feels off kilter but not sliding down a hillside. I have traction.

Moving in a week and a half!

Eeek! Yay! I’m not sure whether to be panicked or happy, but the house will be done in the next two weeks!

Along with this excitement, I realized I’m not yet done with sewing the new shower curtain, but hey, there’s still time! I’ll sew right up until the end.

I gave some more thought to my side sewing/pattern design business. I think I want to ramp this up this winter, when I have some time and space to think about it. I think the decision to have/try for another child will need to be pushed off a bit, as we try to get G. a new job, and then get out from under this mountain of debt we have dug ourselves into.

Not consumer debt, but mortgages. I realize it’s only temporary, but it’s disconcerting in the wake of this situation (and realizing that THIS is the situation I was trying to be able to handle with all that debt paydown, so it seems worse because this IS the worse-case scenario).

Peanut is napping, it’s Wednesday. I plan to take her to the park when she gets up (the weather has cleared up gloriously from a rainy morning). Then, maybe, a rhubarb-cobbler-baking session later this afternoon. We’ll go by the house to see how they’re doing (carpet tomorrow!)