universe, we need a job

I’m just putting it out there. Hubby needs a job. I’d like it to be here – for the first time in a while I’m feeling inspired about work (and lo, I’ve been doing marketing! Holy cow, practicing what I preach!) I’m inspired about my creative pursuits outside of work. I’m pondering how to take my health to the next level. I’m pondering a lot of things, but trying not to think TOO hard about it.

Hello, fall, hello 40.

As I put the dog outside this morning (went out in my bare feet on the deck), I was reminded that summer is, indeed, gone. Last Wednesday I wore a summery sundress, floaty and long around my legs, sleeveless, still tan from vacation. And today, I really could have used socks.

Granted, the sundress (in ivory) can be layered under a cardigan, with a scarf and a fitted wool jacket over it, with boots. But it’s just not the same as floating barefoot in the grass in a sundress.

This week we are hoping for Good News, and in that Good News kind of way that is spelled j-o-b, and c-l-i-e-n-t.

In a little more than a week I turn 40. Forty has been a hard age (but by next Tuesday, I’ll be fine about it, I’m sure, after all, I can’t stop the passage of time, it’s coming, I can rise up to meet it or not.) Mainly I think because what I truly desire I know I’m running on borrowed time to have. And I won’t, irresponsibly, take on that challenge while we are still paying down a mountain of debt. We have been smart, financially (and this year, despite the job loss is no different) for all of our almost 18 years of married life. We’ve taken risks, even like now, that have paid off.

And needs are big words. Nice to have, make do, be creative are BETTER words. I’m beginning to zero in on what it is that I want and want to achieve. It’s becoming more clear. I can not quite see where we’ll go from here, but it is less foggy.

Over the past few months, I have been toying with the idea of becoming a trathlete. Yes. I was a strong swimmer, and I am certainly a competitive cyclist. I used to be a runner, but would need  help. Fortunately Playmakers, our client, has a wealth of resources for training in this area. But hubby was at first skeptical – who would motivate me to get up in the morning to train? I’m not sure I need mornings to train unless there’s a pool schedule. And I did, in college, get up at 6am to swim once upon a time. That was more than twenty years ago. Why am i thinking of this now? When the days to bike and run and swim are rapidly coming to a close? at least outdoors?

I don’t know that i need more commitments, but I do need more motivation. It’s not like there’s a competitive yoga competition in the spring to train for.

And then the elusive “will I try for another baby?” swirls out there. It’s my heart’s desire. But I do not want another miscarriage. Hubby has flatly stated he doesn’t want to do IVF. I suggested donor embryo, because FET is cheap and easy,  but he said then it would not be our genetic child. Does that matter? A little bit, yes.

This post is a bit disjointed, stick with me for a minute. All of these ideas are swirling around at a time that has typically been one of rebirth for me – my birthday season, fall. Who am I going to be at 40? Perhaps the better question is who am I going to be at 50? and how is the next 10 years going to shape that person?

I know it would be easy – turn 40, sign up for a tri  in the spring, do what I usually do and that’s decide and then be my usual ‘I’ll do this dammit, if it kills me’ persona. But I have other people to think about.

Bye, summer!

Just one last day to wear sundresses, and by gosh, we’re going to do it, too. Next week, the first real crisp fall air arrives in full force. It will be sunny and in the high 50s. Time to break out the sweaters and crunch over the fallen leaves. I love fall, but I love summer more, and I’ve loved this beautiful Indian summer we have had for the last four weeks.

I’ll miss sundresses for sure. But there’s corduroy and leggings, so there is good fall news to look forward to!

Autumn sundresses

Autumn weather will arrive this weekend. But for now, I have on a sleevless (cream) sundress, graceful, drapey and sexy (the Eva Lillian Sexy Wrap dress that I won at the LLL silent auction on Sunday). And it’s perfect, floating around in this dress in my bare feet, on the hardwood floors. I’m just about to get some sewing done, while peanut is down for a nap.

Yes, it will be fall, soon. and I’ll wear this dress with suede boots and a sweater wrap starting next week. But for the moment, it’s still an autumn sundress. Peanut has on shorts and a tank top today, though her time to wear sundresses is almost over – just two more days, too. I’ll be taking advantage of it for both of us over the next few days.

Summer, I already miss you!

But this afternoon was nice, just nice. I rearranged our playroom downstairs, we read books on the front porch, we went to the park. It wasn’t anything fancy, just nice. I felt connected to us, to this family, to my Peanut. I felt, well, happy.

And then tonight I realized I missed a webinar I really wanted to see because my freakin phone is dead and I have no calendar. So hubby refuses to keep my calendar (and without beeps, I’m useless – a paper calendar would never leave my purse and be just as useless). I tried my laptop, but I wasn’t upstairs to hear it.

Inspired

So an unlikely source of sewing friends has turned out to be the ones I most closely resemble. As part of doing this walk thing with my LLL mamas, I’ve gotten to know them better AND discovered they love to sew and craft. So I’ve found mothers who obviously love to sew and craft, AND practice a natural family living lifestyle AND still nurse their babies! It’s inspiring, really. Today one of the mamas loved my whipped-together bag design for the silent auction. She wants the pattern. She says I should sell it on Etsy. And another friend of hers also does beautiful crafted items (I bought three of her items, cute embroidered and covered buttons, and two hair ribbon/barrette sets for E.).

And another mama makes slings and mei tais, a third one makes ring slings. It’s a whole convention of mamas who sew and craft – and they’ve been under my nose for years! I’m so delighted! Plus, my sewing group is active, and actively sewing things I share a love of too. As one of them said “the universe knew you were looking for sewing friends, and provided.” Indeed. Plus, I’m online now at sewingmamas.com and sewmamasew, too.

So I’m inspired. I have to get my bag patterns online, and on Etsy. It’s time.

Beautiful, mama

E has been brushing my hair a lot lately, and I mean a LOT. She asks me to sit down and brushes for a long time, saying over and over again beauteeefuw, mama, as she brushes. She sometimes says “haf to get de curlies out, mama” (she has wavy hair, curlier than mine and wakes up from bed with crazy hair). This weekend, she brushed my hair so often and so long that it was a silken sheen and looked fabulous at the concert (there’s something to that old grandma’s sage advice to brush 100 strokes a day).

We did that this morning, and it calmed down a toddler who clearly wanted more sleep and definitely upset about not getting more nursies (despite being latched on for hours). Is the milk a slow drip? I dunno, but whatever she needs from it – or me – she seems to need in buckets right now. We must be that stressed that she’s feeling it.

But I love this brushing thing. She won’t let me brush her hair much if at all, but she seems to love brushing mine. And sometimes we play silly games where she brushes it over my face a la cousin It from the Addams Family. It’s so delightful mama and toddler time. She’s calm and focused. I’m calm and focused.

signposts

I had an up and down day at work – a great lunch with partners at a cute hidden gem of a cafe with a European courtyard outside. Not great money news but positive marketing progress AND plans. Made a couple of prospect calls in the afternoon, and felt good about the accomplishments. Met with a web developer who ’stole’ a client (let’s be honest – she was a small client, and we could have satisfied her needs better). Ironic this developer ends up in MY office looking for work, referred by the client.

Felt fairly out of touch with my business and my life direction for a few hours. But then when we were digging up sod and planting hostas, watching my little peanut play with flowerpots and talking to herself, I realized, no, I do have a great life. Here is my house, this beautiful house, hubby may get a job soon, work has promise and my most important person is a beautiful child whom we made together. Blood, sweat and tears to get her. But she’s ours.

I don’t need any signposts to tell me I’m on the right road. I do great work. We need to get a handle on the timekeeping and scope creep. I need to trust my design instincts more. I need to spend more time marketing – and learning more about it.

Life is just what we make of it. Tonight showed me that. It’s a beautiful world if I just open my eyes wider.

I am almost 40

I imagined thirty when I was sixteen. In that imagination I had a fancy Ferrari, a big house, all cathedral ceilings, entirely in white, on the beach in California or Florida. I never envisioned myself married, or having children – and those two things have given me more joy than anything else.  I never imagined a dog. I never imagined staying here (or rather, moving back here). And I never imagined 40.

So what is 40? No miniskirts. I get that. Which is too bad, there was a Vogue elements one that I missed making (there’s a lovely pencil skirt in the same envelope) that is still in factory folds. And then what else? I just don’t know, I have never imagined 40.

So… ducks. still not lined up. What’s the deal?

We didn’t get the news we were looking for today, BUT it was a lovely, gorgeous day and nary a smidge of throwing up after 2am. Peanut has not eaten much, though. Not bad for a sick at home day. Mama didn’t get much work done, and there is more to do once Peanut goes to bed.

On the walk in the PM I spied a mama in a striped top a la parisienne, and white skirt, pushing a stroller and walking with another child beside her. She spied me too. It was a warm look; if we’d been on the same side of the street, we might have stopped to chat.

I’m off to drown my disappointments in a sun drenched evening.

The house

The house is cool and quiet. Peanut, sick with the flu or maybe something she ate, is sleeping. The dog is outside, and hubby is either back in bed or in his office upstairs. I made a cup of tea. This solitude is good for me, for a while this morning.

I’m beginning to really love this house. Last night I cut out a sewing project for the first time. Today I may sew for the first time, here. As soon as I clean up the playroom, I can do some yoga in there. (though I could in the living room with no cleanup, but the playroom seems more appropriate).

Part of the law of attraction says imagine everything how you want it to be. So after a good meeting at work about what has to change, I feel more centered, more calm about the whole thing, and imagining the positive resolution here at home is also becoming easier.

This is our home. The house we’ll grow older in, the house our daughter will start school in, that she’ll likely finish school in. Heck, she might live in our old house as an undergraduate in 16 years (16? how can that be!) I feel like we’re on the cusp of something good and the change is good for us. It’s been uncertain, but I feel so right when I think about living here. Any other scenario feels difficult, like the Universe is saying “no, that’s not the right option.”

It feels good sewing from stash right now, and making things for this house. Even if they’re still in the conceptual stage