heartbeat

At 6w3d, that’s all there really is, and in 3D you can see the two chambers of the heart (that’s all there is now) beating, two lobes beating around one another. As usual Dr. C is so noncommittal. One week at a time. Need more data points. I felt comfortable being that I did have some bleeding around the Sept 10th that jived with the dating, but she said we need to see next week. So, I go next week. she said nothing about intralipid, only Lovenox. I’ll ask again. Cannot afford IVIg.

But I feel surprisingly good about this pregnancy. Calm. peaceful. I thought about maternity clothes yesterday (yes, I’ll be sewing – there’s no money for clothes, and I have stash to sew). But fortunately I wanted to do this again, and now I have my chance.

I felt so joyous, so blessed with my Peanut. Dr. C said “such a smart one!” when E. was announcing her age, her birthday, her address and what we were doing. I said “I hope we can do as well with this one as we did with that one (sitting on her daddy’s lap).

I don’t know what the future holds, I can only take this one week at a time. But we’re here, without too much fanfare, we’re here. Life is joyful, there’s much to be celebrated. There’s a tiny beating heart inside that I hope stays around. And just like last time, I believe. Again.

Everything I’ve ever wanted

Boom! Just like that, when ya weren’t lookin’. Everything you wanted, just like you asked for it. I feel terrified, excited, elated, panicked, worried, happy, hopeful all wrapped up in one bundle. But mainly, excited.

Tomorrow, we start that journey again. In the car, to Chicago. Blinky lights? no blinky lights? This is in God’s hands.

I am pregnant. Again. At 40. Quite unexpectedly. I started feeling bad, tired, nausea, Sunday. I took the test yesterday afternoon after seeing my temp was elevated (but still normal) on Monday. Lo, a 4pm test popped up instantly. I may be as many as 8 weeks, as little as six.

I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I feel surprisingly hopeful and my path becomes clearer and clearer. Yes! I wanted this! (of course six months from now would have been better….) I want this. I want this life.

I want this baby, I want this house, hubby starts his new job next week…. things are improving at work. I want this!

quiet time

Unlike yesterday’s foiled three hour nap battle, today’s was gentle – we fell asleep together in our big bed. I snooze just lightly, and can wake after about 20 minutes, when she is fast asleep. So I tucked her under the down comforter, straightened up a bit (not too much, after all, I can clean when she’s awake) and sat down for an energy drink and some knitting.

This morning, I felt light and uplifted at Mass. Really glad to be there this morning. Saw friends. Then we left early as we usually do (if we get to communion, we’re doing good!) and went to the farmer’s market, the last one of the season (at least in East Lansing). She liked the Jamaican beef patties I bought there (I was so excited to see them, they were a new vendor!) and we shared one for lunch. E. wanted apples and cider so we got some of both.

Taking quiet time for myself is important. I’ll knit shortly. Still working on the Zuzu scarf. It’s a 3×3 rib but using way bigger needles than a DK yarn would call for, because of the fulling that the halo will do. It feels like cashmere. And I knew it would – the dog is pretty soft herself. Speaking of which, she’s really grubby, and needs a bath desperately. But I think it’s hubby’s turn (after all, I bathed her last time, on the beach at the tail end of our vacation.) I can see her slowing down a bit. She’s 11, today. Actually, today is her birthday! So we’d better do something special. I’m thinking a bigger walk off leash on some trails at Patriarch Park this afternoon.

I sent photos to my uncle in Florida, and going back through the summer photos was so much fun. Hard to believe that was just two months ago (less, actually, six weeks). Where does summer go, and why does fall go so darn fast?

We are getting ready to close on our mortgage in the next month finally. I think we’ll both breathe a sigh of relief to get back to normalcy – to the crazy busy days of two working parents. But mainly, to saving money again. This debt load (granted, none of it is unsecured consumer debt – it’s all real estate) is weighing heavily on my mind. I don’t like being here. We are worth twice what we owe, that’s good, at least. And I know you have to take risks – keeping the rental, paying down the down payment on this house so we don’t have PMI, those things are financially important in the long run, even if they cause us some worry in the short run.

I want to make hubby’s last week at home a nice one. So I’m going to try to fix dinners this week – it’ll be a lot of crock pot cookin’ since that’s the easiest thing for me to do. I think he wants to get some of his ice boat worked on in his newly cleaned, organized and walled-in shop. He ordered a dust system this weekend, before he left. And next Monday, his first day at work. So I’ll be extra careful to plan ahead pack E’s bag and my lunch the night before so we’re not all crazy trying to get bags, kid, lunch, dog, etc. in the cars. And I’ll let him leave earlier than we do so he can feel he’s prepared for his new job.

It’s occured to me the only nursing clothes I really need now are pajamas, still. So I plan to sew myself some for Christmas. And the thing on my mind this afternoon is could I be a mama to just one child? I know I go around and around and around on this. I don’t think it’s my last time, but I don’t know. There are so many reasons not to risk it again – my age, my eggs’ age. Miscarriages. Money. Stress. Bed rest, another cerclage, and the risk there. I think I would like to just try to get healthy and let God handle this one.

Today’s homily was what if you let God decide how to help you, instead of asking for what you want done in your life. And also, asking what you can do help others. Everyday other people.

Off to enjoy some of that knitting.

Mama moments

I’m having a few mama moments. Despite the fact that crabby toddler was here this morning (she refused a clean diaper, so I left her room, finished getting myself ready until she came to find me, half dressed, about ten minutes later.) I’d really rather be at home with her today. But we’ve got all weekend, and I’m sure I’ll be back at work Monday with enthusiasm. The afternoon is busy with a lot of things to get done. I’ve taken an early (and shorter) lunch to prep for a meeting. But I look longingly at the new toddler photos on my desk and wish I was snuggled up with her on the couch instead of alone at my desk.

The risk of thinking that the grass is greener is that it is frequently not. I probably would not be happier as a stay at home mother after twenty years in business. I’d probably have to start yet another business (I do this even when I have a ‘day’ business!)

rain, rain go away!

Today, it really looked like late fall. Rain, wind, the leaves coming down in sheets. But I hear sun is forecast by Sunday. The trees are ablaze with color right now, and I am planning to take Peanut to church and to the last farm market of the year. I was hoping to get two new friends (LLL mamas) over for pasta-making, but I think we’ll have to do it ourselves, since schedules and kids conflicted for this weekend. We’ll reschedule for a longer lead time date.

We’re flying solo this weekend, so a trip to the library, the farm market, at least two or three parks. Maybe even the swimming pool! That’ll be a first for this year (it’s one of our indoor pools;  we generally go in winter only.)

Plus I think finger painting, some mama and toddler drawing time are also on tap. For mama, I get naptime – sewing training pants most likely task this weekend.

I thought I’d share some of my favorite toddler words:

Nackem (napkin)

traffickt (traffic)

musickt (music)

and anything with L’s: ‘egs, ‘adder, ‘egos, ‘ove

piddy desses

hungy

Her first word was hi, followed closely by mama, daddee and oleoleos (oatios) that her day care provider found quite amusing “I’ve never had a child who asked for food like that” to which I replied: “her first food was oatios.”

But the talking out of this toddler now, is really amazing. We have actual conversations now, and she understands almost everything. It’s quite amazing and scary at the same time. But so delightful!

Sundress weather

Okay, so maybe. With ballerina flats, a denim jacket or a sweater. But it’s the last nice day until spring, or so says the weatherman. That was a sobering thought. But have one on anyway, and again, I floated through the house in a graceful dress (winter dresses can be graceful, with tights…) barefoot.

I’m going to have to give some thought to winter dresses, too. Winter wrap dresses, at least.

Indian summer

Well, indian summer-ish. 60 degrees. Who’d have thought we’d relish 60 in October! But it’s been cold and largely rainy for weeks now. I posted in late September about the last sundress day, and honestly it went all downhill from there!

But today – through mid week – it’s going to be lovely, and we’re going to get out and enjoy it, too. Yesterday, you could feel a hint of it. The 42 mile bike ride (7 miles beyond our talent level, says hubby) was chilly. But it seemed to warm up by late in the afternoon when E. and I went to the park to play in the leaves.

The ride was hard. Pushing hard, we realized we lost our gas about 10 miles out from home. That’s never a place to realize that headwind and the cold are conspiring against you. Still, not a bad ride, and though my butt and legs are still sore, it’s a good sore.

This morning, E. had a sniffle, but hubs wanted her to go to day care, and SHE wanted to go to day care, so she went. I got her some Sniffles N Sneezes homeopathic (that stuff does work really well) and sent her off. Took my vitamins, ate a reasonably healthy lunch. Off to do a bit of walking while the weather is nice out. Not too many more nice days are ahead of us this year.

What if you knew

you had less than six months left to live. I look at photographs of my mother, on vacation, just six months before she died. I look at her photo on my desk, mere two months before she died. I held my child in my arms and rocked her to sleep tonight and imagined what my mother must have felt, knowing she was dying. Trying to etch my face, and my brother’s into her memory.I nursed my child to sleep tonight (something my mother never had the joy of experiencing with either of her children), thinking, how unbelievably lucky, how incredibly fortunate am I. 40. This child in my arms. This child nursing in my arms.

The moments we have are so fleeting – and we are so typically ungrateful for them. Not ungrateful in the negative way, but just not grateful for them in each moment. We hurry them along. We hurry ourselves along.

I just need to stop. Every moment is so precious. I resist posting anything on facebook lest it come out pithy or self centered. In fact I should resist more. But tonight, on the night we remember our lost babies (a candle burns for them tonight), I really just want to be grateful.

I’m designing a logo

I’ve done a few logos on the side in recent years, and remember why I love them. So I’m working on this gig, and it will result in some business/momentum for me because I’ll be selling my handbag patterns via this blog (bloggers are friends of mine) and online store. I’m all for teaming up. Many hands make light work. Complementary products help sell others.

And I’m loving being back in the logo game again. It’s good to be here. I should do more design.

Where’s all this newfound creativity and inspiration coming from? Mainly, new friends! I’ve been stuck for so long reaching out to sewing friends – love ‘em dearly – via the web. And there are SO many wonderful people I’ve met here that are crafty. Mainly in the crunchy mama circles, go figure! As my friend Michelle says “deep inside you, Ann, there’s a crunchy center”. I love that. I love that she noticed.

So I’ve got to find the latest bag’s instructions (they were just here somewhere…) and get them together with photos and start drafting that pattern. At some point, they all need photographs taken of them (with models or maybe just me or stylized.)

Lots of work – but FUN work. And yes, though I posted that I’m working the six month plan, I am genuinely not in a hurry. I’m 40. It’s not going to be too much different at 41. And I’m happy. I don’t want to go down the same road again.

vitamins

I’m back on my old vitamins (Juice Plus) and a raft of supplements – extra folic acid, fenugreek, etc. But I had never taken fertility herbs (except for the chinese ones, I’m sure that chasteberry was in it). I’m going to, now. They say 3-6 months, and that’s just the amount of time I’d like to be getting healthy again. I haven’t yet committed to doing a triathalon yet, but I am going to do some yoga starting every other night. In fact, I may start right now.

So much of this has been weighing heavily on my mind for some time now, the lack of healthy focus (the absence of disease is not health). But I’m making commitments to improve all of my well being – and it may well result in another child. But if it does not, then I’m taking care of myself the best way I can.

Off to put on some yoga clothes and, for the first time in 2 1/2 months, yoga in this new house.