cooked

I’m done.

From toddler to client, I’m tired of convincing people why it’s good to  put your shirt on, go to the potty, stop throwing food, keep that beautiful website just how it is, trust my expertise, follow my lead.

I just want someone to say yes, or better yet not have to answer to anyone but myself! And as I sit here trying to think of one thing that would nurture my soul at a moment when i could really use it, I can’t. I mean I can. I could walk down and shop my way to it, but that’s silly, given that Christmas is two days away. I could go for a walk with the dog (serious possibility, it’s sunny out) but I wore boots that are dangerous in the snow.

And I can’t think of anything else that would nurture my soul, damp down this headache, get me out of this funk today. Except someone to just say Yes!

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feelin foolish and selfish

Tonight I’m having a selfish woe is me moment much sooner in this pregnancy than last. I’m reading BurdaStyle, and its the new year’s eve issue – you know slick party dresses and trendy outfits. The life I never did really lead, but somehow, secretly crave to be 25 or 28 again. Silly. Two months ago I would have given my eye teeth to wear that ruched cowlneck belly sweater over my pregnant belly, to carry another baby in a sling, to nurse another baby. And now, here, with this baby growing, I’m feeling resentful.

I know this is absolutely normal. And I should just accept the feelings, let them pass. In a year, I’ll be the mother of a six month old baby, a chubby breastfed baby in a sling wearing my skinny jeans, ballerina flats and trendy scarf. Walking with my equally as cute 3 1/2 year old little girl. That seems so odd. And so far off. Yet, there it is.

So that’s off my chest (belly). I think it is time to make some maternity wear I’m happy to show off my bump in.

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Turning a day around

this morning dawned poorly, I couldn’t sleep thinking about Problem Client and their current Problem. And then Peanut was just mama-centric and nothing could deter her tantrum from what she wanted. More of me. What, I thought, as I drove to day care, would our day have looked like if we could have slept in, given her as much mama time as she needed? What if I weren’t coming in to work to work on the project that I won’t get paid for, that won’t die? Granted, I have other work, and it’s busy as hell, and paying well, but it’s not yet nearly making up for this other one.

But I decided I could have a good day if I turned it around, mentally. After a great call with our sales mentor, I felt renewed energy to move on. Lunch meeting presenting a new proposal to a client we like, an afternoon polishing up a website for a client we also like that we’ll actually make money on. Yes, I’ll have to deal with Problem Client’s Problem, too.

I can’t know what the other side of the fence looks like. Maternity leave, all paltry 4 weeks of it, gives me only a tiny glimpse of it. And I feel terrible for feeling terrible that I missed opportunities to reconnect with prospects because of my present pregnant state. I can’t wish for this to be perfectly easy. They never are. And I have to be good to myself, emotionally AND physically. This client will be forgotten, but this baby never will.

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