being gentle today

June 23rd, 2011

Today I dropped off all my maternity and my extra office baby gear to the Greenhouse Birth Center sale (as a donation). Upon leaving, I felt like crying. It’s hard to let something go – especially something so hard fought and so loved – and close the door on a phase of your life. It’s a big thing. Granted, it’s not THE big decision (such as one of us gets fixed) but it’s a big step. By the time I got through grocery shopping at Meijer with both kids – who were very well behaved – I felt better, and by the time I got to work and dived right in, I forgot about it entirely.

It is a chapter of my life that’s closing, and there is some sadness with it, so I need to acknowledge that I feel this way, that it’s OK and that I will take gentle care with myself. Tonight I will do yoga – I will concentrate on this now no longer to ever be pregnant again body and strengthen it. Still, that feeling of sadness, of, well, wrongness is there. I know, I know, I’m trying to listen to what my body is saying and my heart, and still make them both understand that I will be 42 in a few months, that my 1 yo son is still nursing and still a baby. And that they are both healthy and pushing ahead into something else means opening up a huge amount of risk for me, for us as a family.

And it’s important, too, that I focus on this phase – the nursing phase – of my life and do some sewing for it, too. Eventually that door will close too. I will be sad then, as well.

But on the flipside, my baby girl got into Montessori magnet school and we have that new bright big phase to begin in the fall!


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